Sanctified by glory and fire...

That's a line of one of the songs Chad led us in during the music today at church. I'm seeing it all around me in the lives of my friends as well as in my own life. For me, the question "why?" is almost pointless. You're never guaranteed and certainly not owed an answer. So minus the emotional release that might follow, it doesn't accomplish anything to ask the question. Our friend Job did. And God let him go on with it until about chapters 39 through about 42 ( I don't have a Bible in front of me, so please don't make nasty comments if I'm off by a couple of chapters). However, God finally answers him. And it's probably not what Job was hoping to hear. He didn't technically get an answer but instead received a staunch questioning pointing to the fact that God is God and man is not. You'd think by our generation we'd have this concept nailed. We all know that's not the case.

But back to the original topic of refinement. It's priceless. I didn't say inexpensive, but priceless. It costs everything. And as a Christian who's been walking long at all, you know you don't really have a choice. When you're honest with yourself, you know there's NOTHING ELSE worth living for. We've all tried our tastes with this and that, but it doesn't satisfy. So we're left with surviving the trials. But there's a jewel to be found...

My dear friend Moses Caesar (check out his book at www.mosesbook.com) challenged me when I was going through a rough time to look at times like these as an opportunity to experience God in a way never done before. When you are at your most vulnerable point, you are broken just enough to let God hold you like He never has. Instead of squirming for a way out, the peace comes in resting with the discomfort. Does that make sense? You find comfort in knowing you're being held, God's love and concern for you hasn't changed, and you're just as close to His heart as you've ever been. Check Deut. 33:12. It talks about the one the Lord loves resting between His shoulders. How sweet is that? Knowing we can lay our heads on His chest and REST there.

The verses Moses pointed me towards in this time were in Psalm 131, where the writer is broken. He compares himself to a weaned child. The significance comes in understanding that a weaned child can (1) recognize his need, (2) make his need known to the one that can do something about his need, but (3) he CANNOT do anything about his need himself. This is exactly how we are in life many times. So we rest in God, trusting His truths about His unchanging love for us (John 3:16, Rom. 5:8, Heb. 13:8), His plans for us (Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28, Ps. 139:16), and His eternal victory (John 16:33, Rom. 11:36).

Be strong, take heart, my brothers and sisters, for He has overcome the world, and we are joint heirs with Him!

I have a new link! Ok, I'm a bad friend and just now have Reems' blog linked. So check her out. She's my favorite Lebanese girl in Botswana...or anywhere else for that matter.

Question posed...Need response

Many times the issue of whether God allows or directly causes things to happen has been disputed. Some may say there's not a difference between them; if He's in control, then whatever happens was His will, right? Well, here's what initiated the thought process for me.

I was reading James 1:13, where in the latter part of the verse, James says "He Himself does not tempt anyone" (NASB). So God doesn't tempt people. The Bible says so. But consider Job. Satan asked God to have his way with His servant, and God allowed him to take things away. What about Jesus in the desert. He was definitely tempted. Was that God's will? We know it was part of Him embracing full humanness and exemplary in showing us how to respond. So it definitely served a purpose. And I believe God received glory in both the instance of Job and Jesus in the desert.

So I think this is sufficient evidence to show that there is a difference between God "doing" something and Him "allowing" something to occur. I believe He can receive glory from anything He decides (Rom. 8:28, Isa. 55:8-9, Acts 17:26-27).

Now the concept of His will...that's a whole other region of obscurity. Do things become His will after they have deviated from His best. Can His best ever include sin and its consequences? We all know He can repair and create beauty in the ugliest of circumstances, but what do you call that? His will? I have a hard time discerning where to use that phrase. Maybe we should ease up on that. What does Ecc. 5:2 and 6:11 say?

NAT and BRAD

These kids are adorable. They both look 15 in this pic. That's why I love it. More accurate than you know. Since Nat and I moved from 2,000 square feet over in Midtown to the 1100 square feet of our downtown apartment, the luxury of space has eluded us. Needless to say, we get to spend much more time together. And I like it. Brad lives in the same complex, so he's less than within walking distance. We all ride out to GBC together, and lately we've shared a lot of meals together. But they're precious. I love being around them. They both have such an energy...kind of like that of a 5-year-old. All the time. Until either of them get still. Then they nap for hours at a time. It's hilarious. The randomness that comes out of their mouth and the volume at which they speak it always ensures an entertaining time. And all they have in common is just so fitting. It's a great story. God's amazing for writing it and letting me read it.

And I typed this in the color of my bridesmaid dress on purpose.

I'm so full.

Today was amazing. At 2: something this morning, I went to bed after cutting up with Nat, watching a stupid movie on tv, and washing my face. However, I put off studying the Fusion lesson until the morning. I did, however, pray in repentance for being such a horrible steward of my time and energy. I had such a feeling of dread for having been so irresponsible. This is me being transparent. So I woke up early (about four hours later) and cranked up my newly-received coffee maker. I prayed God would just work in spite of me to communicate His Truth to my girls this morning. It's not that I personally have ever had anything worth giving, but I had definitely dropped the ball this time. So I read, prepared, prayed, and went to church.

Nat and I were running a little late, but I showed up right on time to less of my girls present than usual. I was so excited to give them their little goody bags of candy for Valentine's Day. They are my valentines. And they're the best ones I've had (and the only ones, shh, don't tell) in 7 years. lol. Yeah, I'm serious. But God totally worked in that time. The girls were responsive, attentive, and really engaged in the lesson. I even got choked up when I kinda chased a rabbit to share with them how much they mean to me and how much I hope for them in Christ. I love those girls. They really encourage me. Heck, one of them even called me this week just to talk! That made my day for sure. She even advertised for me today in class, telling the other girls that I was fun to talk to and (get this:) that I knew, like, EVERYTHING. lol. I definitely denied it, but laughed.

In the service, Matt and Meg came to visit since they were commissioning the Evangelism Explosion group and Matt was a part. I had the luxury of reminiscing when Meg and I would always sit together and sing different harmonies to the songs. It was great. The prayer time during the service was intense after Pastor Sam shared various tragedies going on around the world. The main ones hitting me were that thousands were dying in genocide in Sudan, and that missionaries were being evacuated from Venezuela. Yep, my country that I spent a summer of my life in was kicking out the vessels of Truth. I all but weaped during that prayer, but it was rich and I was glad to get to help bear the pain.

After church, a group of us went to lunch with Matt and Meg. Conversation and humor were delicious. My friends and the people God has brought across my path at GBC are some jewels if I've ever seen them. I left with that contented sentiment that you get after having been with those who appreciate you.

Tonight I joined the youth for Difference Makers, a program that teaches students to be servants every day to their classmates. We imitated the persecuted church by going in groups of two to this secluded hallway up a stairwell to meet. Phil gave us each a story of a person or a group that was being persecuted around the world. We then shared about them and prayed. The prayers were amazing. God was definitely there. I, of course, teared up again.

Then basketball. I had a blast this week. I'm getting a little better, but I've just now overcome the intense fear of looking stupid...which worked to my advantage because I absolutely busted it one time tonight when I tripped over the feet of a teammate. lol. Yeah, it was funny; you can laugh. And Casey, you'd be soooo honkin' proud. One time I was wide open at the 3-point line, they passed me the ball, somebody yelled "Shoot!" I replied, "okay" nonchalantly. Sure enough, threw that junk up and nothin' but net! Money! I was so excited, and immediately proclaimed that it would never happen again. I got congrats from both teams. I really enjoyed my team, and I love hanging out with the kids. I wish I could just get inside all of their hearts, inject them with the Truth of who they are in Christ, tell them how cool I think they are, challenge them to be men and women of God, and see the fruit. But I leave in May. Leaving this ministry makes me the saddest about leaving Memphis. Germantown Baptist, so much of it, is the single thing I'll miss the most.

SNOW

We got some of that today. It was pretty for awhile, quickly transforming into sludge that makes the bottom of your jeans dirty. It was a nice, laidback Friday afternoon. Nat and I were counting our blessings that we went ahead and moved downtown. EXAMPLE: we were able to just walk with Brad tonight a couple blocks to eat at Huey's, then to Peabody Place to watch a movie. It was kinda funny...they have already seen almost everything out, and I've seen almost nothing. So I decided to go to a movie by myself while they saw a scary movie, which I don't do.

Last Holiday with Queen Latifah was my choice. It looked cute, light, and guaranteed a good ending. I wasn't disappointed. Irony was present, though. I'm sitting there watching her experience this life trauma and respond to it BY HERSELF. And she seemed almost satisfied to do so. The irony comes in because I was sitting in the theater BY MYSELF. No, I mean, ALL by myself. There was not another soul in the place. (You can only imagine how the Lauren Webb cackle echoed through the place at certain parts.) But it was neat in that I was content to do so.

God has answered too many prayers and shown Himself in too many ways for me to whine about what culture, society, or even my own thoughts pressure me into: why am I alone? There's always the little arrows Satan uses to try to get a foothold: is there something wrong with me that I can't see? Is there something I'm supposed to learn that I haven't been equipped with yet? Am I even datable?

But God hasn't failed me yet. And I don't have an urgency in this area, because He keeps showing me that He's here. He's going with me. He's planned it all out for me. And right now, it's my adventure to live. If He decides at some point, He'll intertwine someone else's story with mine, GREAT. If not, GREAT. The presence or absence of this life partnership that I see people around me joying in has no weight in my worth. God's grace is allowing me to be genuinely happy and joyful with them and at the same time be happy being me...here...now.

I guess that's the beauty of the process...

CHANGE

So much is occurring...and has occurred. Some I foresaw; others abruptly interrupted life as planned. But I see all of them as opportunities to learn new things about God's plan for my life and His character and His faithfulness.

Thank all of you for the kind words about the wreck. God definitely kept both of us safe, and the process to getting all that hemmed up is underway. I have something to drive, and it's more than sufficient.

Natalie and I moved on Saturday. Many, many thanks to Brad, Wade, Taylor, and Zach for providing brawn as we hauled two trailer-fuls of stuff downtown. We're still putting stuff where we think it should fit and making daily trips back to the sunshine house to retrieve a little at a time.

School's more than back in full swing. It's definitely assuming its normal position of trying to suffocate me, along with ASP. But it's a great use of time right now. I like what I'm learning.

Friends are great. I have so many great ones. I don't talk to anyone daily, besides Nat, but there are constants whether they're in Memphis or not even in the continental US. I love and appreciate you all. And of course, the family's always amazing.

We got our rotation picks for next year today. I'm very excited about my Nashville experience. It will be here in less than 4 months. Yay...more change. I'm banking on Hebrews 13:8.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

I was driving down Southern Ave. on my way to meet Vilas, my president-elect, before Fuel. I needed to catch up with him since I've been out of the ASP loop for over a month now. The roads have been wet, so I knew not to drive my usual style. I saw a silver Ford Focus stopped at a stop sign on my right. She had just crossed the rail road tracks. Then I saw the unthinkable, she was inching out as if no one were coming. Sure enough, she kept coming until it was unevitable that I slammed into her driver's side door. I slammed on my brakes, but my tires didn't catch, and swerving didn't help. It was like the All State commercial. I keep playing it over in my head. I anticipated the impact, and then it seemed like an explosion. The car stopped immediately, and after taking inventory to see that I was okay, no bleeding, no apparent broken bones, I noticed the car was smoking. My airbags had come out, and my lip was still burning from where they must have caught me. I jumped out of the car immediately after grabbing what I thought was my cell phone (it ended up being my Ipod) because my fear was that my car might explode. Then it hit me to check on the other driver. She was okay, a little woozy, but unable to get out of her door. A girl had been behind the other driver at the stop sign and seen the whole thing. She was amazingly helpful and called 911 for us. There is a fire department right down the way, so we got them to come out since my car was leaking gas. I stayed calm the whole time, trying to discern the best way to handle everything. I try to cover my bases so that I don't have regrets later. The police came out, got a report, and they hauled our cars off. I only teared up talking to my stepdad and my buddy, Taylor, who came and got me.

It's amazing how things happen so quickly yet change so much about our lives. I've been so hungry lately to grow, and God has really been feeding me through His Word, prayer, and fellowship with others. So I knew He was in control and allowed this to happen for a reason. My prayer is that I glean everything I can from the experience. He is faithful. It could have been so much worse. I look at this time of adversity (finding a rental, getting my car back or finding a new one) as a challenge to better me. I trust God to finish His work in me (Phil. 1:6). I've asked Him to by whatever means necessary. Every experience is preparation for the rest of my life, whether on earth or beyond. That's how I see it. He's big enough to where I don't have to worry, wonder, or fear the unknown.

Some fun pics with the trusty 35 mm...the flowers are from the trees at Riverset, my old apt. complex on Mud Island. They were gorgeous. The rest are random shots from the group that visited my dad's house for New Year's. These people are great. I think Lisa Whiffen took all or most of them.

Psalm 73

Asaph is speaking here as an honest minister. He addresses the fact that it bothered him for a bit how godless, worldly people seemed to have it all. He goes on and on about the "advantage" the apathetic seem to have over those, like himself, who are doing their best to be pure in heart as they follow hard after God. I couldn't help but relate as I see today's celebrities seemingly "living the good life". When the names "Paris Hilton" or "Tom Cruise" are mentioned, what comes to mind for you? Do you wonder what their lives are based on? I always do.

If I could interview everyone in the world and ask them all only one question, it would be "What about your life is the last thought at the end of the day that allows you to sleep at night?". It's a simple production of syntax that basically addresses what people feel their purpose is, or what the purpose of life is in general.

But Asaph notices that these wealthy, successful, beautiful, arrogant people seem to be immune to this thought process. And he almost regrets trying to keep himself pure. He wonders if it's been worth it...

Then in verses 16 and 17, illumination comes. He tries to reconcile himself to what he feels is injustice, and when he ends up in mental oppression, he enters the sanctuary of God. Then it all becomes clear. He gets that eternal perspective of which 2 Corinthians 4:18 speaks. His humanness is exposed, and it's ugly to him. The beauty is God's, and He let's Asaph behold it (vs. 24) when he begins to listen.

Verses 25-28 are words to live on. I would suggest committing these to memory. The honesty and clarity with which he speaks them is beautiful...

25 Whom have I in heaven but You?

And earth has nothing I desire besides You.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from You will perish;

you destroy all who are unfaithful to You.

28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.

I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;

I will tell of all Your deeds.

Father,
My prayer is a simple one...
Grant me authenticity.
Make me wholly and undividedly Yours.
Pour me out;
Fill me up with You.
Melt me down...
'til all that's left is You.
Peel the layers.
Uncloud my soul until I'm transparent.
Make me a mirror that reflects Your glory.
Simplify me.

I was blessed to spend time tonight with some of my friends from college. Like bleach, just the conversation was cleansing, enlightening, and horrifying. I love how old friends come back in during new phases and you have a landmark to show you who you were and who you've become. It's not always a pleasant thing. Being back around the Union environment reminded me of the desperation with which I used to seek obedience to God. As I age, behind my back, roots go down...into plans, into hopes, into expectations that are solely temporal. And it hurts when God answers my prayer to draw me to Him...because He has to rip up the roots. And I'm better for it.

But I'm constantly bound...by desire for control of perceptions, of image, of results. Ultimately I'm deceived...then rendered handicapped for eternal use. The beauty is I wasn't redeemed for the purpose of perfection, but for Him. ONLY for Him. So I'm a wreck, a wretch, and in using me as I am, He is the only possible source and recipient of glory. So goes the story of mankind. Isaiah 55:8-9 will go a long way.

Father,
rip up my roots.
I surrender all esteem of man,
others' and my own.
Make my wholly and only Yours.
Cause invisibility to be my desire.
And let me see You.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." -Matthew 5:8

I'm way excited!

I'm going to see "CHICAGO" Friday night at the Orpheum! Once again, my friend Zach has contacted "a man he knows" and gotten tickets. I've never been to the Orpheum. My exposure to plays is pretty much limited to the senior class of Huntingdon High School, a couple of Union shows, Phantom and the Fantastics in NYC in high shool, and one visit to Ford's Theater in DC. So no TPAC or any other TN performances...until now. I'll let you know what I think. Surprised? Me expressing opinion?

And Payten is doing well. She feels fine, which may be the annoying part, but her spleen is still outta control. So I'll keep you posted. At best, she could be well enough to play at tournament time, but we have no way of knowing. Thank you so much for your prayers.

Payten needs prayer...

She found out today that she has mono. She had originally tested negative with the spot test, but her spleen is twice the normal size and all physical activity has been banned. Mom called me crying tonight with the news. This is Paytie's senior year, and she's the leading scorer for the high school basketball team. She will be missing the meat of her last season, because she doesn't want to play in college. She's extremely disappointed as well as my family and her teammates. Please lift her up before our loving Father during this tough time. She's only got a few more months to decide about which college to attend and to take advantage of her last year of high school. Thankfully, she's a solid girl who has a consistent walk with Christ, a great mind, and a fun personality. She'll get through this. Right now she and my family are trying to reconcile themselves to God's ultimate plan in all of this. Pray for more of His grace to be showered in their minds and hearts during this trial.

I thought I'd give a little update since things are looking so much better than last week. It was my fault. I went into my rotation with a poor attitude, not looking for what I could gain from it. Naturally, I didn't like it. But maybe Sunday, being with the Body- not GBC specifically, but people who know Christ- was the catalyst. God has been slowly pulling me back in through various avenues: my friends exposing areas of deception Satan had me under, seeing my friends respond to God's work in their own lives, seeing God answer prayers, and random times that God reminded me He sees me and loves me. So yesterday went so much better. I really like the new people I've met, the patients and the Walgreen's employees. Also, I'm starting to get excited about the next step after graduation instead of being fearful. There's no telling what it will consist of, but I have more than enough evidence from my past to ensure a full future (John 10:10).

I've become a bloggin' fool! Okay, so it might seem sad, but the reason I've turned to blogging so much lately is due to the loss of an in-the-room-with-me-roommate. Nat's extremely busy, and I never know who specifically to call, so there's no outlet for me...except the trusty blog. And trust me, there needs to be an outlet. 'Cuz it's not like my brain stops...Yeah right, like that's a luxury I've been able to afford. So here's what I got for today...

For those of you who don't know, I've been assigned to "rotate" at a Walgreen's pharmacy downtown. This means I kind-of shadow a pharmacist and get a feel for what he or she does. Well, it hasn't exactly been what I expected. I've been standing in one spot, more or less, for 8 hours at a time, retrieving bottles, scanning, counting, pouring, sticking labels, typing, dealing with customers, etc. for NO PAY. In fact, I come home with aching feet every day to the realization that I'm paying to be there. Nice...only in professional school.

But there's good. I've been overwhelmed lately with the feeling that I don't know anything, that I'm ill-equipped to be a pharmacist, that I've been in school for 3 years now and don't know anything. Every day I want to give customers strong answers to their medication questions, but all that comes is a hopeful suggestion. I've wondered when it would come, if it would come, and if it would be before I graduated. But today, there was a ray of hope. A woman called on the phone with questions about frequent headaches her husband was having. I asked her some specific questions in order to nail down what physiologic process was the most likely cause, and I really felt like I helped her. I could hear in her voice that she was satisfied with the answers she received. When I hung the phone up, I nearly teared up...

Because God is faithful. And once again, He's overcome my doubts, answered my desperate prayers, and shown me His Hand at my back and under my feet. I was also blessed with some kind words from a friend in a divinely-timed phone call. He is faithful. Praise the Lord that He won't let me forget it.

NAT'S ENGAGED!


And I couldn't be more excited for two people. She and Brad are precious, and their relationship has been such a sweet story. God has definitely had His hand all over and in it. It's definitely a testimony to me. So looks like I've got plans around the middle of July down in Birmingham, AL!

I am infatuated with people. They are the most exquisite of God's creations. I would like to search and gather various pieces of individuals into a collection that I could have to admire. It would be a smorgasboard of intellects, senses of humor, mannerisms, talents, skills, fears, slices of insight. I truly enjoy exploring new personalities every chance I get. I love to meet people. My appetite for what the next person could be like will never be satisfied. But I like that. It opens me up to new adventures, new loves, new losses, but always new lessons. Cassie Terhune, a wise girl, once pitched the idea to me that if man were created in God's image, that maybe He put a small piece of Himself into each person. The more people you encounter, the greater your understanding of Who He is....Interesting thoughts. I don't know for sure about that, but I know that there are people in my life who give me a bigger view of God by just being in the same room with them. And I love them for that. And I love God for revealing Himself. And it's still so crazy that He first loved us.


Thank you, all of the amazing individuals with which I was blessed to spend New Year's 2006.

Guess what the Butler family got for Christmas? The stomach virus. Yep, Jada had it the Monday before, Payten got it on Wednesday, and then Mom had it for Christmas Eve. Wait, we're not done yet. I got it yesterday...for the whole day. It's a weight loss plan I don't recommend. I've decided it's just not worth it. Dehydration is so not fun. My stepmom Lecia was amazing to help like she did. I was really thankful she was there to try to ease things as much as possible. I'm probably going back to Memphis tonight or tomorrow, and none of my family will hug me bye! lol.

On a much better note, Christmas was such a blessing this year. I was really looking forward to coming home and seeing everyone, and I was also pumped about what I got people for Christmas. All of the family functions were better than they've ever been. It's fun when all the kids (including myself) start maturing and we can all cut up together. I must add that the Butler function might not have been as funny if I hadn't introduced "jowling", a skill that my buddy Will in CA enlightened me with at the Union Reunion. We're probably going to open a Facebook group for it, so stay posted. You can check out some of the best of the best at www.jowlers.com. Beware, some are a little scary.

I love my family. Christmas is such a neat time with them. Every time I come home and see how my siblings have matured and grown, I love them even more. I really do have the coolest four siblings ever. And my parents- they're no less unique. All four are incredible as role models. They do go a little overboard about Christmas gifts, but they love getting us stuff. Sometimes I wish I had words to express to them my gratitude for what they're showing me about life and how to live it instead of just what they're generously equipping me with in a material sense. I am truly blessed.

So all the siblings came to visit Thursday night. Brody, Britt's brother came down early from Ohio. He just graduated from Cedarville and is moving to Missouri. Jada, one of my four siblings, come up from UU after finishing her finals. We all went to eat with my friend Zach to use the lovely gift card he, Britt, and I received after winning the Halloween costume contest. I know that was forever ago, but we had yet to use it. So we did. Then Jada and I finished our Christmas shopping today. We have gotten to age where we are commissioned to bring home our own presents from Santa and the grandparents. It works out great because no energy or effort is wasted. Everybody's happy. And it was great to spend time with her.

Britt's fam is here tonight and will be here through her graduation tomorrow, then to move her out on Sunday. I haven't really come to terms with her leaving yet. Don't worry; I'll blog about it.

Cleaning day...

I really like things clean. However, I hate getting them that way. I can always find things I think are more worth my time. I'm trying to grow in this. Bathrooms absolutely gross me out. I want them really clean, but it makes me gag to think of doing it myself. I've gotten to where I can clean my own bathroom, but I'm still grossed out. I know. It's ironic. But these are the reasons I didn't go to medical school. I get grossed out easily. Now way could I deal with someone busting up the ER with blood squirting and insides protruding. Yeesh. I, the pharmacist, will keep my post behind the glass/counter/whatever my barrier might be. I know there are many great pharmacists who work in trauma/ICU/surgery that see this stuff all the time. But if there's one thing I do know about my career path, it ain't headed that direction.

About life in general, I love how things have slowed down after finals. There are definitely still items on the agenda, but none bring the stress level of an exam or a class assignment or even an ASP deadline...even though I still have a few of those. I get to catch up with friends- some from various parts of the globe, read books that won't necessarily further my education, and hang out without feeling guilty because I know I should be studying.

Jada (one of my sisters, Mom and Lee's) is coming to stay with me tonight. A big group is going out to eat. Britt's brother Brody is coming in as well. Her whole fam gets here tomorrow for her graduation on Sat. and then her departure on Sunday :o(
I haven't cried yet...we'll see...

Then Monday I'm having all my girls from Sunday School spend the night for a Christmas party. Hopefully most of the 12 or so freshman high school girls will be able to make it. Please pray about this. I want us to have fun, but I really want to get to know my girls better. I also want them to get to know each other better. God's been doing awesome things in answer to prayer. I really love my group and this opportunity.

I thought I would add, cuz it's funny, that I'm hoarse, congested, and phlegmy because Britt and I unexpectedly launched into one of our laugh-so-hard-my-face-might-explode episodes last night. It came out of nowhere. It just crept right up on me. She's hilarious.

Now I won't have a hilarious roommate anymore...