Thursday, February 17, 2011

"In Process"

Man, I feel like that's the most appropriate description EVER of the past 6 months of my life.  In a process?  Am I ever!  I guess we always are, but it's rarely been so tangible as it is right now.  Adjusting to where I am vs. where I thought I was vs. where I want to be.  Yeah, it's a lot.  BUT the biggest transition has been moving to a place where I let myself BE where I am.  And let that be okay.  Praise the Lord!  I'm going to credit amazing friends, a persistent loving God, and a bombin' Christian counselor for aiding me in this trek towards peace, and not in that order.

It's weird to live in the dichotomy of being a thinker/hyper-analyzer AND a romantic...and be in love.  Because you can fully feel and experience the highs and lows of love and then step outside of it at times and see how crazy it all looks.  And I'm convinced that it's crazy for most people.  And I'm compelled to pity those that it's tamer for.  I think that would be a bigger tragedy.   Regardless, I don't think I'm even built for that (tameness).  I'm a thinker and all, but I'm way expressive, and I don't have a problem addressing conflict.  That lends itself to some ups and downs that may be more frequent but less heightened than those of folks who prioritize avoiding conflict over deeper resolution of ongoing issues.  That eventually blows up, and beware.

If you add in my misconceptions about needing to perform and accomplish for God to prove my worth, it can leave me in a heap of confusion regarding how to proceed most faithfully in a dating relationship.  What are the make-or-break issues?  How much does what I want factor in?  What SHOULD I want?  I know what makes me happy, but what is setting me up the best to be the happiest I can be (from an eternal perspective) 10 years from now?  Oy!  It's such a risk.  Period.  It just is.  I don't care who the person is you're thinking about loving for the long haul.  They are a risk.  They're going to have your heart, and you're going to have absolutely NO control over what they do, think, believe, or how they live.  Oy.  I know you don't actually WANT control over them, because that would totally negate their choice in loving you, but knowing that doesn't really quell the fear of all possibilities. 

Remember that fear I was blogging about previously?  You notice any of that?  ;)  It's actually better.  I am learning to lean into trusting God with my circumstances and not trusting in a certain outcome.  I'm just being really honest with you right now about some of the things spinning in my head and heart.  I don't know many of the answers.  In fact, I've only been successful at distilling down what the bigger questions are.  I WILL tell you this, though.  For me, God has answered prayers.  Seriously, for the first time last weekend, when certain concerns surfaced in my heart, I didn't freak out.  I didn't start the hyper-analytical spiral into a puddle of worry and doubt, totally rendered ineffective and unfocused on anything of Kingdom value.  Instead, I went back to what God has done for me so far.  He's shown me what to do a day at a time.  So I got alone and started asking God questions.  I started with the big ones.  Some He chose not to tell me right now.  But I plan to keep asking until He does.  The ones He DID answer were all I needed for that day.  For one day's worth of peace and mercy, He gave me the answers and directions I needed.  So that's my new plan in this process.  Make those little reconnect and recenter sessions with God more frequent.  The older (and hopefully wiser) I get, the more in life I realize I don't know or have any control over.  So the only sane choice is get better at trusting God.  So I will.  And THAT's where I am in this process.

Friday, February 04, 2011


Man, what a motivator.  I can honestly say nothing's been more consistently dominant over the past year.  I've thankfully had pockets of peace where I was abiding and trusting.  But the fear lingers, always.  It just waits for one of my steps to hit remotely uneven ground, and it swoops in to carry me off into an abyss of ominous hypotheticals.  The eternal perspective (the upside) is that it's been opportunity after opportunity to trust God more, minute-by-minute, day-by-day, situation-by-situation.  And sometimes I lean into that.  And other times I run in circles in my mind until I'm too tired to keep going.  And then God meets me there.  With the end result always being God showing up to comfort my heart, you'd think this doesn't sound too bad.  But seriously, how unnecessary are the massive peaks and troughs of my emotional cosin wave?  (Sorry to get all trigonometric on you, it's just what is fitting in my mind.)  And what does that speak to those around me about my belief in God's faithfulness?  I know my lack of belief doesn't diminish His power or His ability to glorify Himself however He chooses, but I want to be a part.  I want to help.  I want to be a living example of a life submitted fully. 

So maybe here's where grace comes in, as tears creep into my line of vision.  Maybe I'll eventually let go of thinking and planning and guarding myself against possible mistakes 3 months from now.  What control do I honestly have over 6 months out?  2 months out?  4 years out?  Why does fear of these times affect me NOW?  I have very little choice in life in the grand scheme of things.  But I have a choice RIGHT NOW.  I can choose to focus on who GOD is.  I can choose to cling to His promises.  I can choose to expect Him to use me in my job, in my church, and in my relationships.  I can choose to let others love me as long as they want to keep trying to.  I can choose to tell fear Who my Dad is, and what He has to say about it:
Isaiah 41:10 (New International Version, ©2010)

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.