Man, what a motivator. I can honestly say nothing's been more consistently dominant over the past year. I've thankfully had pockets of peace where I was abiding and trusting. But the fear lingers, always. It just waits for one of my steps to hit remotely uneven ground, and it swoops in to carry me off into an abyss of ominous hypotheticals. The eternal perspective (the upside) is that it's been opportunity after opportunity to trust God more, minute-by-minute, day-by-day, situation-by-situation. And sometimes I lean into that. And other times I run in circles in my mind until I'm too tired to keep going. And then God meets me there. With the end result always being God showing up to comfort my heart, you'd think this doesn't sound too bad. But seriously, how unnecessary are the massive peaks and troughs of my emotional cosin wave? (Sorry to get all trigonometric on you, it's just what is fitting in my mind.) And what does that speak to those around me about my belief in God's faithfulness? I know my lack of belief doesn't diminish His power or His ability to glorify Himself however He chooses, but I want to be a part. I want to help. I want to be a living example of a life submitted fully.
So maybe here's where grace comes in, as tears creep into my line of vision. Maybe I'll eventually let go of thinking and planning and guarding myself against possible mistakes 3 months from now. What control do I honestly have over 6 months out? 2 months out? 4 years out? Why does fear of these times affect me NOW? I have very little choice in life in the grand scheme of things. But I have a choice RIGHT NOW. I can choose to focus on who GOD is. I can choose to cling to His promises. I can choose to expect Him to use me in my job, in my church, and in my relationships. I can choose to let others love me as long as they want to keep trying to. I can choose to tell fear Who my Dad is, and what He has to say about it:
Isaiah 41:10 (New International Version, ©2010)
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.