Saturday, December 18, 2010
I am a control freak.
There. I said it. It ain't news, and it's not that rare among strong-willed, mildly capable women. But it is probably one of the two biggest barriers to me loving someone well. It's also a barrier to me being fully obedient to God, which Jesus actually equates with loving Him, so maybe just one issue at hand here. But man, what a whopper! So step 1: Recognition and Acknowledgement. Check. Step 2: Figure out where it starts and rip it out by the roots. Oy.
I thought about my resources and how far I'd have to go back. So where did I turn? Well, mom, of course. Her response? "Well, honey, you've always been bossy. Some kids are just like that." Nice. That's perfect. I was Type A (but lacking the usually accompanying organizational skills) from the womb....Perfect. Well, that route was a short one and perhaps a dead end.
And I still have no idea how to get to the true background or root of it all. But what I do know is this: my fake sense of control and need for it means I lack faith. It means I'm unaware that my "control" is actually a façade, and I have absolutely no clue how dependent I am on the sovereign God Who loves me and provides breath for me so that I can 1. be in relationship with Him and 2. reflect His glory.
So I'm praying for faith, and trying to battle the thoughts of desperation that make me clench things within my fists of my heart with Truth from God's Word. Basically, all of Matthew 6 where He talks about the lilies of the field and how beautiful they are. He speaks about how God provides for them but cares infinitely more for us, so why would we not be cared for? It's a logical progression. I want to love Him more. I want to understand more about His love for me. Then, faith's not that much of a stretch. Who wouldn't want to let go and lean into an extravagant, radical, completing love like THAT?