Wow, it's been forever...since I blogged. I'm kinda scared to do it now. I'm always nervous about what emotional place I should be in before I let loose on here. What's ironic is that when I'm in a great place with everything is when I don't take the time to jot it down on here. Oh well. The blog will have to take what it can get.

I'm learning a lot of things. And they're not super-comfortable. I don't like lessons that involve my pride getting pricked. Most of the big lessons usually do. My most recent one involves the realization (which is not necessarily new, just manifested through real circumstances) that two things about me will always make it hard for me to develop and sustain deep relationships: 1. pride and 2. insecurity. They're hard workers and together they build nice big walls of fear and doubt with perfect footholds for Satan to climb on. That's junky. I don't accept this.

God wants more for me. He loves me perfectly, and I don't understand that. And I don't do a great job of receiving that...and certainly not abiding in that. 2 Tim. 1:7 says I wasn't built for fear. And I forget where, but the Word says that perfect love casts out fear.

He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion (Phil. 1:6). I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). He loved me first (while I was still in my sin), and I am altogether complete in Him. What can man do to me?

Equip us to love, Father. Remind us first always that you love us with a perfect and complete love. Our hope is safe in YOU alone. I'm so thankful for the promises of His Word.

Adulthood...rated PG?

I wish. I wish I could just summon parental guidance when I needed it. And I practically can. My parents (all 4 of them) are great about giving advice and helping out anytime I need it...and even when I don't realize I need it. And I'm so blessed to have had them all these years to feed me, clothe me, house me, support me, and encourage me.

But today was different. Today I received the keys to my first house...that is mine...that I now own...that I will be paying for over the next 30 years. Geesh. And that was my reaction.

After Shu left, I just walked around the empty rooms...trying to slow my heartbeat. Trying to not breathe quickly. Trying not to cry. And I did good. (Yes, I intentionally chose my usual Tennessee terminology). I didn't cry. But I did go straight over to my friend Alyson's house to interrupt her and Paul's dinner. You can't say enough about the importance of community and quality friends. They were perfect. They talked me down. They even walked over with me and went back through the place, giving me ideas about furniture placement. They really liked it. I feel so much better now.

All in all, I'm going to be okay. I did a quick prayer-walk before I left the first time. I expect God to do so many things in and through that place. And I know that He'll be with me there. He's still and always will be my Shepherd. I'm excited to start this journey.

Our Puddles

In true Washingtonian fashion (I consider myself one now), I took advantage of the sunshine regardless of the 42 degree temp outside and went for a jog/walk out on Ruston Way. It was perfect and the kind of day that makes me LOVE this state and LOVE my town. The scenery's hard to beat. I was down on the end past all the business after making the loop, and I noticed a bird flapping/splashing around across the street. It looked like a suzy, but I'm not placing bets. (Sorry, Dad, I know you woulda been proud if I could call a duck when I saw one.) Yes, he was on the hill side of Ruston (across the road from the water) in a big puddle, just hanging out. The puddle was pretty big - maybe 20 yards at its widest point and no more than a foot deep at any point. But it was brown, and pretty muddy. And an inlet of the Puget Sound was just across the road!

I couldn't help but immediately think of us (mankind) and God. We work so hard to get our "puddles" to fit, to be enough, to make us happy. We get everything in our lives catered to what we think we can "control" and call it good. God has infinitely more, and it's usually not even that far away. Now, it has its costs. Sitting in the Sound, you're gonna get thrown around a bit from the wakes of the ships. The water's gonna rise and fall. But there's so much opportunity. I can pretty much bet there isn't much food, fellowship, or provision for that little bird in the puddle. The Sound, on the other hand...tons more birds, infinite food supply, and ridiculous scenery.

God, I want the Sound. Never let me be content in my puddles. Remind me that contentment rests only in hoping in You. It's not here. It's not even in the Sound. It's in You. Forgive me for my facade of control.

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." -Phil. 4:19

"But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Matt. 6:33

Wow, so much stuff...

It's been a big week. So many things have occurred. It's kinda thrown my thinker's brain for a loop. I haven't really had time to sit and overanalyze before being bombarded with the next task or event. I don't know what I think about that. So many micro-lessons...so many bigger ones.

I've seen answered prayers, disappointments, pleasant surprises, scary opportunities, and new-ness...all since Sunday. Geesh, what a week.

Most of it ends well. A few things I'm still confounded by. Maybe more of this will be hashed out at a future date. I'm learning things about myself. I haven't decided whether to share them with you yet.

Where's the Line?

So I'm an idealist. And I know this. And it can fuel so much energy for positive change. Just in general, I believe that idealism IS necessary as fuel for positive change. Recently my idealism has fueled me to take on a representative-type role at my work. Our patient care system (a computer program) is far from ideal. And we, as pharmacists, are very familiar with many of its short-comings. Since different pharmacists work in different areas, we all get different perspectives and notice wierd little caveats. So I wanted us to pool what each pharmacists understands about the system and share those insights with everyone else.

One of our managers totally took me up on this and assigned me and another coworker with this task of compiling tips and disbursing them weekly in staff developments. And I think it's going relatively well. The problem is when I'm reminded of the broken parts of the process because of meds not getting to patients. Sometimes it's the computer system setting us up for failure. Other times it's apathy on someone's part along the way. Sometimes I get frustrated about things that have nothing to do with the computer system but are still making my job unnecessarily more complicated, such as insurance companies and outpatient facilities who won't accept the patients we're trying to discharge.

Oh, a broken world. Sigh. It's crazy when I think about the original plan. If Eve hadn't eaten the fruit, I wouldn't have a job. There would be no sickness. There'd be no need for healthcare, insurance, or my career. But we're way past that.

So I've yet to master the discipline of having peace in the midst of being unsatisfied with the way things are. Contentment doesn't look like apathy. It's not the same. Do I learn to separate my emotions from my idealism? Then how would I maintain the passion that IS the fuel for working for change? But there's got to be a better way to control the frustration that comes from an imperfect world.

I want Psalm 112:6-7 to be characteristic of me at some point in life:

For the righteous will never be moved;
he will be remembered forever.
He is not afraid of bad news;
his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

Blinded by Happy

It seems like I often fall into a cycle of learning a cool new Truth about God and His love or having a heart-changing encounter with Him, and then in my effort to "abide" I find myself sitting on the sidelines, totally missing the game. I get in a happy (pseudo-contented) place, and for some reason stop pursuing. I think it's a maturity thing that I don't have yet. My mistake is trying to abide in that experience instead of IN HIM always and only. My contentment or happy emotion is a sad and gross substitute for being in constant fellowship with Him.

It's funny how no matter what you think you've known or where you've been, I always feel new at this. I feel like a kid walking with Him. And I get a strong sense that right now it's where He wants me. Now if I can just keep holding His hand and walking (Micah 6:8) instead of running off the trail to chase a distraction or sitting and trying to stay where I am.

I find it interesting...

that people are praising Obama for shutting down Guantanamo, because he's the same man who said the first thing he'd do in office was sign the Freedom of Choice Act legaling any and all types of abortion. Hmm. Is that not torture? Of the worst kind? To an innocent life?

Don't get me wrong. I'm fine with Gitmo gettin' gone. I just think he's contradictory in his stances on the true value of human life. Who gets to decide that value? Do we? Why? Who said? I guess it could be spun multiple directions. I just wish people would think a little bit more, read a little more, and try to understand what's real. Myself included. I could certainly spend more time scavenging for sources of unbiased information. This just came to mind in reading a friend's status. That's it.

I'll end with this...and I've said it before (and fallen victim to its truth many times): Misplaced hope is a sure source of disappointment. I hope for change just like anyone else. But I already have a Savior. And he's not of this world. And THAT'S the only safe place for my hope.

Yep, I said it...

I'm going to boldly travel into uncharted territory. Perhaps to a place where no person in my position has gone before...well, except for that Joshua Harris kid that we kinda laughed at for a bit. I'm going to address the topic of the young single Christian...as a young single Christian. I know, questionable you say. Please, spare me the cliche's. I know, I know: God's got something great for me, you just know it! And let me guess: God's timing is perfect, and it just isn't His timing yet. Grrrrreat! It's still not always the land of contentment over here, and it's easy as the single person to tie some of that to singleness. But that's not even what I wanted to blog about.

So here goes the real issue on my heart: we as Christian singles need more faith. We need faith that God loves us, that He does have a plan for us, and that His will IS for our good (Rom. 8:28) and better than we could ask for (Eph. 3:20). But please, if you're married, do NOT take it upon yourself to speak these Truths to us. We're like tarp and your words are like rain. It just rolls right off us. And not because it's not true, but just because we don't believe you can relate to how we really feel at all. And I'm sorry your pure intentions aren't rewarded with our response. It's just life.

But the reason I bring this up is because I'm kinda tired of the pressure. You know, that silent, underlying pressure in any social situation where a group of young Christian singles are gathered. Will any of these people hit it off? Do I see/feel compatibility in this situation? I dream of a time when Christian singles (myself included!) can meet a Christian single of the opposite gender without immediately sizing them up as dating potential. I don't even know if it's a conscious process for some. But let's be honest, it totally happens. I wish we could all just truly hang out and be friends purely, experiencing legit and natural friendship processes. Instead, we're making mental pros and con lists and seeing if their name sounds good with ours. Don't lie; it happens.

I'm not calling anyone out as much as I'm preaching to my own heart. I guess as a facilitator of this type of group at Discovery, I wonder what my role is in working toward this ideal. Isn't it a burden sometimes? Being an idealist? I'm not even sure where to start in this one.

Wish I had a tape...

of my adventure tonight. It would definitely be worth a laugh...or two. So there I was (I mean, that's how all great narrated stories start, right? A good hook like that?), I was driving amidst the ice/snow/slush in Tacoma for the first time since I made it back to Washington last night. I was taking major roads, and they seemed to have just enough snow on top to allow for some traction before the layer of ice. Things were actually very pleasant (as pleasant as they CAN be when you're driving 20 mph) until I saw a person sitting on the ground with a crutch in their hand. It didn't look good. They certainly didn't appear to be down intentionally. So I decided I should help. I pulled off onto a side street nearby. MISTAKE NUMBER ONE. I was able to park without a problem, but by the time I made it to her another walker had helped her up. I was no longer needed, and my rescue efforts were somewhat in vain.

So I trudged back to my car to make my retreat. P.S. Let me say that it would my dad proud to know that I was wearing the Vasque boots he got me years ago. Nevermind that I was rocking them with a feminine white peacoat. The outfit was working from about the knees up. ;) Back to the retreat - I decide I should try to turn around rather than follow that smaller street back to a main road. MISTAKE NUMBER TWO. I wasn't exactly sure when that would be. So I start across the street, then back up where I had been formerly parked. However, when I try "DRIVE" again, my tires don't make nice with the packed snow. I go nowhere. Dilemma. I don't want to call anyone. No one else is around. What to do, what to do. I get out to check out the situation near by backtires. I don't see any pieces of wood nearby to throw under one of them. I figure I'm going to have to push. So I put the car in neutral, and brace myself against the curve to push. No luck. Then I get really brave, and throw it in drive before heading back to push again. Well, the incredible hulk in me came out to the point where the car rolled across the road against the snow pile/curb on the other side.

My next logical step was to change the gear to reverse while standing outside the car. MISTAKE NUMBER THREE. The car rolled back into the street, and with matrix moves, I somehow jumped into the driver's seat as it was moving. Thankfully, the brake worked, and I comandeered the vehicle back onto the main road.

Geesh, what an adventure. And if only someone could have taped it...

Thanksgiving

Too easy of a pun. Recently I've explored different thoughts about me being so far (mostly geographically) from my family. I worry that other people or even my family will perceive that as family not being important to me...or that they'll assume I don't have a tight-knit family unit or that there's some drama causing emotional distance as well. But that's not it at all. Everyone has to follow God's plan for THEIR own life. I would love to be closer to family, but that would be the only advantage to moving back to the south. I feel so much purpose in my place here (in Tacoma). I love being in the most unchurched state of the US. I love people hopefully catching a glimpse of Christ in me (somewhere amidst the chaos).

On a temporal note, I like my job. I like Washington state and what it has to offer. It's beautiful here. I like the temperate climate. Sure, I could live with a few less days of rain, but I can't complain since we get perfect summers. And how do you get over getting to see majesty like Rainier on a regular basis? Really?

On an eternal note, I have community here unlike any I've experienced in a long, long time. I can think of having it at Union and with my girls back in Memphis. It looked a little different in both instances, but so did I. I'm in legit koinonia with 6 girls who are passionately pursuing Christ and spurring me on continuously to do the same. I'm in discipleship with a lady who loves Jesus as her Shepherd and has been walking this Road for a while as a mother of 4 and the wife of a church planter. (P.S. She also lives a couple thousand miles from her large family as well, and we've talked about how hard it gets sometimes.) I have a church family who loves with everything they have. We're growing and wrestling with sin and fighting on in the process of sanctification like the Bride of Christ.

So I know I'm where God wants me. I guess I feel guilty sometimes for enjoying being here...which sounds silly. But I think we chalk up the Christian walk to this life-long struggle of daily martyrdom - and don't get me wrong, it is- , and in many ways dying to self and taking up the Cross daily is ALWAYS a struggle. My point is: I don't think I should be surprised that where God has me fits how He's made me. It makes sense that living in the fullness of His plan for me would bring joy. And hopefully more times than not, I can echo the Apostle Paul in saying the joy that comes from knowing Him IS greater than anything else in this world.

But let me end by saying how thankful I am to have family that support me in my pursuit of God and His plan for me. Every time I've asked my mom if it bothers her that I won't be moving back to Huntingdon to have the 3 bedroom home, the husband, and the 2.3 kids, she's never hesitated to reiterate that she wants God's best for me and for me to be happy- nothing less. It's empowering and encouraging. And for THAT, I'm eternally grateful.

Recent Ramblings...

So I don't have any earth-shattering updates on life or learning, but I wanted to post some of the quotes that have sharpened my perception in the past few months.

We are not products of: gene pools, our impulses, our society, or our past. -sermon from Pastor Jon (but I added the "past" part)

Being dead to self means putting no conditions on me, which also means putting no conditions on others.
Forgiveness is supernatural.
"I can't give what I don't have" (referring to LOVE and GRACE)
-all these from Abby Santiago

Restraint sets us apart. (as Christians) -Traci Fredricks

The goal of eternal life is to SEE Jesus. But there are two obstacles to overcome:

1. My blindness apart from grace
2. The world is still in darkness.

Darkness in me is overcome by regeneration. Darkness in the world is overcome by reincarnation. The key to both is His glory through grace. Grace is the goal and the means. Grace transforms us from an advocate of a system to a witness of a reality.
-all from a sermon by John Piper

We died to the list of rules. We try to prove our sonship, but we're already there. Just BE. Sometimes there is nothing to obey. How would those around you characterize your Christianity? Do they think you live SO that God will accept you? Or BECAUSE God has accepted you? Don't look at hope and joy as indicators of the intensity of your faith.
-thoughts from different girls in my small group (Oh, how I love these girls and the time I get to spend with them in the Word)

I hope you are blessed and challenged with each of these as I am.

P.S.

After spending some time with super-stellar Traci Fredricks yesterday, I was left with a pricking thought. She asked me what God had been saying to me this week. I ended up somehow on one of my rants about an issue going on in my heart, and like the discerning woman that she is, she said (with a perfect preface) "You're going to want to hit me when I say this, but again, what is God saying to you this week?" After thinking through what my objectives have been in this valley (abiding), I realized I've been missing the point. I learned through the course of Experiencing God that His objective is NOT obedience. His first priority is my relationship with Him...that I KNOW Him more.

I've been trying to DO the right things for God. That's empty...and pointless. He wants ME to spend time with Him. If I'm squirming, if I'm sad, if I'm disappointed, if I'm elated, He wants to be there WITH me through those things. Talking with my friend Cham last night reminded me of this. He was describing this newness in His walk with Christ after God being WITH him through a really tough time, almost tangibly. I haven't been allowing God that opportunity.

So now I see (and hopefully I'll remember) that ABIDING is not OBEDIENCE. It's more than that. This Christian life is about a RELATIONSHIP with a PERSON, Who is Truth. My EG girls know that. The list of rules is religion. I ain't signing up for that. Now if I could just remember the difference between the two in my heart...

Abiding...

in the valley. It's new for me. I've talked a lot over the past few months about the pasture that I feel like God has been leading me through. It's been lush and green, and it represents such refreshing growth in my walk with Him. I knew that would be preparing me for other times of not-so-fun growth, and I was right. Being a "feeler" or a person of emotional intensity (does that make it sound cooler?), my highs are high and my lows are low. Very rarely am I hanging out consistently in the middle- apart from the transitions. If you're a math/trigonometry/algebra-type person, think of a sine wave as opposed to just the ol' x-axis. I'm a sine...wave.

So following this spurt of spiritual growth, I hit one of my usual downs. Now for me, this is a time of feeling kinda blah and lots of thought invested in why this cloud of blah settled over my heart. Usually I can pinpoint a number of possible causes without being able to fix or remove any of them. I sometimes get beat (by the Enemy) with the question of "Shouldn't God be enough that you never feel sad? If you really believed in the victory that salvation brings you, shouldn't that bring true joy to your heart despite anything that's going on right now?" I don't necessarily know the answer to those questions, but I know how I feel, and I know what I know about God and His Truth. I know that people in the Bible were legitimately sad. Read about Job. Read about Jesus! How we feel and who God is can both exist in our hearts if we have them in the right perspective.

I've talked to quite a few fellow believers about this concept over the past few days, and I've been really encouraged by their answers. Much of the responses involved what I just typed in the last paragraph. And honestly, I'm grateful for the opportunity to travel through one of these valleys with a better perspective. My normal approach is to check out for a few days (not get into the Word, slack off in prayer, and overall just retreat into introspection) until I come to a breaking point. But I will gladly leave behind this empty regimen that basically wastes a lot of Kingdom time and personal energy. So I'm trying to use this time to be still, to watch, to keep trusting. I'm still honest in prayer. I mean, God already knows how we feel anyway, right? So I trust in His power to change my heart. He renews my mind (Rom 12:2), and He is greater than our hearts (1 John 3:20). So I have hope. And hopefully I'm getting better at abiding.

Perception

...is a choice. We make it all the time. No one has the full picture because only God is omniscient. So the rest of us interpret our reality as best we can. This leaves Satan a lot of room to twist and deceive and distract us from God's Truth in our mind. Being on guard is hard, but we can't afford to succumb. It hurts. It causes us to miss out. And it can equip us to wrongfully damage others. So we step out in faith based on what we know from His Word instead. We let the peace that passes all understanding guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. We choose to believe His Word instead: about our worth, about our future, about our potential, and about our identity. We pray for His vision of our environment and those around us. It's hard to remember that we'll never see the whole picture and that our perspective on everything is quite limited. This word is for me. I've learned that the hard way this week. Some verses that have been valuable:

Phil. 4:8, James 1:19-20, Phil 2, Psalm 27, Psalm 131

Koinonia

This has been the theme of Experiencing God this week. Not coincidentally I have gotten to experience this in various forms this week. I met with Traci, our pastor's wife, and Pastor Rob, our small groups pastor, this week for various reasons. But in both situations, I came away encouraged, spurred on, and affirmed in my walk and where God has me. I constantly get that feeling at Discovery. Pretty much every Sunday morning I walk out to my car in the parking lot just puffed up after being with my church family.

And then the Enemy steps in. He knows exactly how. He uses what seems as small as a pin prick to rip open my insecurity. It starts with small wonderings of the mind. Little morsels that I begin to ponder until they turn into how I feel. I start doubting the quality of love in my life. It goes something like this: "Lauren, if they knew, if they really knew, they wouldn't see you like that." Or "Just wait, things are good now, because you're listening and trying to be obedient. But wait until you're wrong, or you get hurt and look stupid. All that positive perception will burst like a balloon."

There are many things wrong with this.

The first is identifying the true problem at the root of why this works on me. Going back to Rob's sermon on the progression of : what we do stems from how we feel, which stems from what we truly believe. So the reason that I feel insecure about how I'm perceived is because I believe people only love me if they think I'm good or entertaining or have something to offer them. It's the performance trap AND the approval addict if you've read Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. Whatever good people might see is not mine (Rom. 3:10). So whether I fail or succeed by whoever's standards, my worth never changes. Because He proclaims it in His Word, and He doesn't change (Heb. 13:8), neither does His Truth.

The second is that I'm cutting my church family at the knees if I limit their ability to love only happy people. I KNOW better. I've seen otherwise. These people love WELL and without judgment. So back off, Satan. You are clearly not invited.

This won't be the last time he draws me off track with this one. It's certainly not the first. I just want to get better at the battle. Reading Psalm 139 and whining to my mom pretty much whipped it, but still. How debilitating. There's too much I want to do and experience to be side-tracked with such nonsense. And besides, I have some serious koinonia to be a part of!

Exposed

You know how that feels during a time of growth where God's tinkering on your heart? Sometimes there's some demolition and reconstruction involved? And you just feel Him near. You know He's with you. You get that whole "walking with Him" sense throughout your day. I love that, but there's another part to it. It kinda draws you away from your immediate environment. It kinda makes you "not fit". I've kinda felt like that all weekend. I haven't been down or upset, but just like this place doesn't fit me very well. "This place" being life here and now.

Please don't get me wrong. I love my life. God has overwhelmingly blessed me with family, friends, a growing church, a job I like and feel a purpose in, and a beautiful place like Washington to live. It's not that. It's just when I'm in one of these growth spurts, I feel like my emotions are just below the skin. They're right on the edge for anyone to see and hopefully not damage. I had been looking forward to church this morning since Friday. After working this weekend, I just anticipated the opportunity to join with other believers that I know and love to experience God. And I did. The music was amazing. I teared up on more than one occasion.

In these states, it may not be visible to other people. And that would be great, actually. But I'm just softer, with my heart a little more exposed. It makes me a little hesitant to stand too close to someone, afraid they might get wild with their keys or something, and rupture a heartstring of mine. That was a bit of an exaggeration, but you know. I feel exposed.

Then I remember a couple of things: 1. Per the Bible, perfect love casts out fear. He loves me perfectly. There's NOTHING for me to be afraid of.

2. Per the wisdom of Kirstin Hawkins, to love IS to be vulnerable. And how vulnerable did and DOES God make Himself in loving us? He has nothing to gain. He just loves us. So I guess growth will look like living in that vulnerability with my heart out for the injuring without fear, trusting that with the reconstruction of it, my heart will grow stronger.

It's HIS Gig

It is. I've known that. But my heart forgets sometimes. I've been so caught up and excited about all the things God's been laying on the heart of my friends and myself. Then Satan tried to twist it to make nervous about getting it wrong. He started making me fearful of messing tasks up and experiencing total failure with any and all attempts at progress in these visions. THEN the other day God reminded me what Blackaby says in Experiencing God about the fact that God tells you what He's going to do. NOT what He wants you to do FOR Him. Get that? No tasks with boxes to check. That's just your invitation to join Him. Look, listen, watch. Not go, do, run...fast. We're the ones obsessed with efficiency and the NOW of capitalism. God doesn't work on that time frame. So we shouldn't feel pressured to. And we shouldn't live like He's going to start.

So I found rest this week. Or more like God gave it to me. I'm in process. Plus, like we (the girls) have realized over and over during this study: the end objective in God's heart isn't completed tasks, obedience, or accomplishment for the Kingdom. It's that I and others come to KNOW HIM better. It's about the relationship. No, this stuff isn't rocket science, but it's heart-lifting every time. And I have yet to stop needing to hear it.

Full

I feel that way. Not my schedule or my stomach, but my life...in a good way. I've been blown away by what God is doing in and around me over the past few weeks. It just keeps intensifying, and it's ridiculously exciting. And the coolest thing is, I'm not alone in the journey. Ever since Amanda, Erin, Kirstin, and I have started Experiencing God, this has been the norm: seeing God's activity.

And let me say this, it's clearly making Satan nervous. The Father of Lies has been present and in full effect in certain areas, picking at my (our) insecurities, planting doubt, and just doing his best to cause delay, disillusionment, or disobedience. "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come so that you may have life and have it to the fullest." John 10:10. Jesus wanted us to know the Truth. And the truth is that God wants to do some pretty monumental things in our lives over the next few months. Satan's scared, and he should be. But he wasn't invited to this party. And sad news: he already lost the battle. It doesn't end well for him. We just need to, as believers, get better at recognizing him and calling him out. The whole "when Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future". We have the power. We've been given it thorugh the Holy Spirit, not to mention the armor of God (Eph. 6:10).

So if God's working in your life and you see He's about to do big things, as one of my new favorite sayings goes, "Gird up your loins". Call that kid out. I figure it's okay to insult the Devil.

But fight for what is good, like Paul talked about. Hold tight to the love promises of your Lord. My prayer is that He continually equip us for battle. It's already going on. Being close to and growing in Him means more involvement in the war. So we need to be ready, and there's no need or room for fear.

I'm excited. I'll keep you "posted".

It's JUST Obedience

The Experiencing God lesson today talked about how God reveals to us what He's going to do, not what He wants us to do for Him. Interestingly enough, Jada (my sister in Memphis in pharmacy school) called last night and we talked about a sermon she had just heard about how God doesn't need us. He will accomplish His purposes regardless of whether we say yes to Him or not. It is our greatest joy to take part. I don't want to diminish in any way the fact that He loves us and passionately pursues us, but we need to make clear that He does that FOR OUR GOOD. Not because He's a weak, needy lover like what we see portrayed in movies and literature. His Name WILL be made great...one way or another.

Now back to my original direction with this...it seems like our ticket to involvement in what God's doing in this world is faith. The more tickets we have, the more we get to take part in. Faith seems scary to us because it is, in fact, trusting in things unseen. But hear me now, faith is NOT trusting in our ability to be obedient. Did you get that? We are NOT trusting in our ability to get it right. We are trusting in the sovereign Creator of the universe that started this thing and is intricately involved in holding it all together (Col. 1:17). Another point that Henry Blackaby makes earlier on is that how we respond when God invites us to join in His work says more about what we believe about God than it does anything else. Read that sentence a couple of times until it sinks in. Sure, there's a reflex reaction to doubt self. But He wasn't depending on us. So we shouldn't be. He knows what He's going to do. Get that? Going to do. He is so gracious to ask us to join Him in the work. And THAT'S where our joy is found.

Father, forgive our self-dependence. Forgive our American dream of working hard enough to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. Forgive our Oprah-mentality of self-help and inner strength. Forgive our incredible blindness and failure to hope in an omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent God who loves us more than we can know. Forgive us for denying Who You are. Remind us of Your power. Show us the difference between what we dream of doing for You and what YOU want to do in and through us.

Remind us that faith is safe in an all=powerful God. It WILL come to fruition in our lives. Do not let our focus and our goal be in the production of fruit, but in growing deeper and falling more headlong in love with our Father who has loved us from the beginning. So grow our faith to pray for, expect, and see God-sized activity in our lives. I'm tired of mediocre.

Remind us that when we say yes, and You begin to do God-sized things, it won't be due at all to any good in us or any gifts we have to offer. It's just obedience.

Not to diverge too much, but Dietrich Bonhoeffer explains in Cost of Discipleship about how to reconcile Jesus's commands in the Sermon on the Mount about not letting the right hand know what the left is doing (Matt. 6) and then letting your light shine before men (Matt. 5:16). Seems contradictory, right? The gist is Christ is the plumbline. We don't measure up. Anything we do in obedience to Him (which will produce things that only God can do in a life) is just that: obedience. But to a lost world depending only on the ability of man, they WILL seem extraordinary. So it's fine to "Go big, or go home." Just make sure everyone knows Who was and will always be responsible for it. We're just doing what we've been told (and it's awesome to be a part), and that's JUST obedience.

God is good...

ALL THE TIME. You know where I'm going with this... I was with my girls (E-Randle, A-Graves, and Kirst) having our Bible study time at Origin 23, and I was going through a timeline of spiritual markers in my life. Part of our assignment this week was to document times where God has spoken His will or made clear His purpose for us in ministry. As I was sharing mine, Amanda keeps looking over my head with this look of fear on her face. Finally, I stopped to ask what was wrong, and she explained that the college and singles minister for one of the local churches was standing right behind me, partially listening in as I explained that the common themes in God's calling on my life had been evangelism, discipleship, and community.

The rest of the story is that for a couple of weeks now I have had this idea on my heart for a regional gathering of young adults (singles). Most of the people I know here go to smaller churches that just don't have enough people or resources to facilitate a ministry focused on the needs of this group. In Memphis and Nashville we had multiple options for such a gathering (e.g. The Loop, Metro, Kairos, etc.). So why not get a group of people that I already know together for music, a message, and tons of fellowship for the edification of believers from college to mid-30s? I mentioned it to Rob, our small group pastor at Discovery. His response: Sounds great! Go for it. Not exactly what I expected (or wanted) to hear. So the more I've prayed, the more God has ignited this flame in me for this to come to fruition. Not only that, but my girls here have said they were in. Whatever God led us to, they would help. Since then I've been praying, looking, listening, and waiting expectantly for the next step.

After she tells me who this guy is and that he was almost trying to hear my conversation, my heart started racing. I didn't know what to do or what this meant. So I asked the girls to pray as I submitted the whole situation to God. After "amen" I went over to the group (he was meeting with the worship leader and another guy) to introduce myself and kinda share my vision. I got his email address, and it was done. He sounded excited, and I emailed him this morning. How crazy is that?

Why is it that I still get so surprised that God will work out His purposes? Maybe the real surprise (and sublime) part is that He calls us to be part of the plan!