Friday, September 26, 2008

Koinonia

This has been the theme of Experiencing God this week. Not coincidentally I have gotten to experience this in various forms this week. I met with Traci, our pastor's wife, and Pastor Rob, our small groups pastor, this week for various reasons. But in both situations, I came away encouraged, spurred on, and affirmed in my walk and where God has me. I constantly get that feeling at Discovery. Pretty much every Sunday morning I walk out to my car in the parking lot just puffed up after being with my church family.

And then the Enemy steps in. He knows exactly how. He uses what seems as small as a pin prick to rip open my insecurity. It starts with small wonderings of the mind. Little morsels that I begin to ponder until they turn into how I feel. I start doubting the quality of love in my life. It goes something like this: "Lauren, if they knew, if they really knew, they wouldn't see you like that." Or "Just wait, things are good now, because you're listening and trying to be obedient. But wait until you're wrong, or you get hurt and look stupid. All that positive perception will burst like a balloon."

There are many things wrong with this.

The first is identifying the true problem at the root of why this works on me. Going back to Rob's sermon on the progression of : what we do stems from how we feel, which stems from what we truly believe. So the reason that I feel insecure about how I'm perceived is because I believe people only love me if they think I'm good or entertaining or have something to offer them. It's the performance trap AND the approval addict if you've read Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. Whatever good people might see is not mine (Rom. 3:10). So whether I fail or succeed by whoever's standards, my worth never changes. Because He proclaims it in His Word, and He doesn't change (Heb. 13:8), neither does His Truth.

The second is that I'm cutting my church family at the knees if I limit their ability to love only happy people. I KNOW better. I've seen otherwise. These people love WELL and without judgment. So back off, Satan. You are clearly not invited.

This won't be the last time he draws me off track with this one. It's certainly not the first. I just want to get better at the battle. Reading Psalm 139 and whining to my mom pretty much whipped it, but still. How debilitating. There's too much I want to do and experience to be side-tracked with such nonsense. And besides, I have some serious koinonia to be a part of!

2 comments:

Abby said...

Sigh. The church family. Love. Vulnerability. Seeing yourself as only valuable when you have something to offer.

I can so relate to you!

I am glad to hear that your church family is showing you the kind of love you seek. May God continue to open your eyes to Koinonia around you and how you can be to others. Remember we are the ones we are waiting for!

My Life, or Something Like It said...

This is why you make MY heart smile.

I completely "get it" though. You feel great and then Satan uses one little word, one thought... takes it out of context and runs with it... and all of a sudden you're alone in this world. Maybe we need to both work on taking every thought captive. Even if it's just the moment he (satan) whispers that doubt, saying "Take every thought captive." If he continues then we get louder. And louder. And yes, that may make us look like crazy worshipper, but I think we're both strong enough for that. ;)

Love you girl. :D