Sunday, September 14, 2008


You know how that feels during a time of growth where God's tinkering on your heart? Sometimes there's some demolition and reconstruction involved? And you just feel Him near. You know He's with you. You get that whole "walking with Him" sense throughout your day. I love that, but there's another part to it. It kinda draws you away from your immediate environment. It kinda makes you "not fit". I've kinda felt like that all weekend. I haven't been down or upset, but just like this place doesn't fit me very well. "This place" being life here and now.

Please don't get me wrong. I love my life. God has overwhelmingly blessed me with family, friends, a growing church, a job I like and feel a purpose in, and a beautiful place like Washington to live. It's not that. It's just when I'm in one of these growth spurts, I feel like my emotions are just below the skin. They're right on the edge for anyone to see and hopefully not damage. I had been looking forward to church this morning since Friday. After working this weekend, I just anticipated the opportunity to join with other believers that I know and love to experience God. And I did. The music was amazing. I teared up on more than one occasion.

In these states, it may not be visible to other people. And that would be great, actually. But I'm just softer, with my heart a little more exposed. It makes me a little hesitant to stand too close to someone, afraid they might get wild with their keys or something, and rupture a heartstring of mine. That was a bit of an exaggeration, but you know. I feel exposed.

Then I remember a couple of things: 1. Per the Bible, perfect love casts out fear. He loves me perfectly. There's NOTHING for me to be afraid of.

2. Per the wisdom of Kirstin Hawkins, to love IS to be vulnerable. And how vulnerable did and DOES God make Himself in loving us? He has nothing to gain. He just loves us. So I guess growth will look like living in that vulnerability with my heart out for the injuring without fear, trusting that with the reconstruction of it, my heart will grow stronger.

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