Saturday, September 23, 2006

I cried today...

more than I have as far back as I can remember. There was something strangely freeing about the release that came with weeping. There have been some things happen lately that concerned me about the health of my Nanny. I am not okay with the concept of ever losing her. So when my dad told me an update today, I lost the middle of the Civic Center...during Heritage Day in my hometown. I finally made it outside to hug Daron, my sis, goodbye. I was sad I didn't get to see her more before I leave for Hungary. She had soccer practice. Poor thing, she caught me at the wrong time because once we embraced, I couldn't let her go. lol. I just sat there...crying on her. Daron, having one of the most tender hearts of anyone I know, cried with me, of course. Now everyone in the fam was sufficiently upset because I couldn't hold it together.

It gets better...

I proceed to Nanny's house to visit her, crying all the way. I tried to get it together long enough to make it through the door, but once I hit her bedroom, the tears returned. Then, of course, SHE cried. I'm like a disease. But it was the sweetest visit. We talked about life, death, pain, Heaven. She's a strong Christian, and she looks forward to the day she gets to be with her Savior. I was so comforted to hear that she (and she may be the only one of my family) is okay with all the traveling that I do and that I will do as a missionary in the future. She said, "Lauren, I'm already prayed up about that." lol. I love it.

We went through old memories: of her life and of mine. She talked lovingly about the early days of her and Granddaddy's relationship. lol. They wrote letters to each other, passed through Grandaddy's sister, because they didn't go to school together. Precious.

I then walked down to Granddaddy's shop to talk to him. That talk was just as sweet. We shared tears and memories as well. The whole afternoon was so rich, so valuable, so priceless. I just wanted to breathe it in and hold it inside...forever. It was like a moment you know will be a memory so you try to somehow capture it. You don't want to miss a single part when you're running back over it in your head.

I tried to see it from each of their perspectives: Nanny's more worried about Granddaddy, the kids, and the grandkids than herself. She's prepared for whatever news the doctors might bring. Granddaddy's concerned and supportive and wants us all to be involved. But everyone is mindful that God is sovereign, that He will provide for our needs, and that He will be our Rock whatever winds may come. There's just nothing else worth clinging to in times of trial. Sometimes sadness is sweeter than joy just because you get to be held more tightly by His Hand, you get to be healed deeper, you submit so much more willingly because you have no will to fight. I may not be okay with the inevitables of life, but just knowing the heart of the One Who holds it (Col. 1:17, Ps. 139:16) sustains me.

1 comment:

Daron said...

Lauren, I really wish I could have spent more time with you before you left, too. I'm sorry I never call; I have no excuse for that, even though I know you're really busy. You know I don't mind crying with anybody...I do it too much by myself! I love you and am praying for you. I know you're excited about your trip, and a little anxious as well maybe, but you're going to have a blast.