New Life!

She's precious! And beautiful! My cousin Valerie and her husband Matt had Julia Taylor 8 weeks ago. I got to meet her tonight at Meemaw's house. I held for at least 30 minutes. She's such a good baby; she slept most of the night. I gave her a bottle and tried to burp her, but I guess she hasn't found the family gift of the belch just yet. We'll teach her.

She's so tiny. She would make little noises and contort her face in times of wakefulness. Beautiful.

I wish Matt and Valerie lived closer...I'd LOVE to babysit.

I know Will's the movie buff, and I'm not anywhere near an expert on movies, but if you know me, I tend to be opinionated, so here's what I got on this movie...

I will start with the disclaimer that there is language and a couple of sketchy scenes that could be detrimental. If you're able to get past that and take the movie in for what it set out to accomplish, it will rock you. I honestly really liked it. I thought it was the bomb at representing the harsh reality that we, many times, pretend doesn't exist. The actors were phenomenal. They sold it for sure. You even get to see Ludacris show out a little bit. The character development was addictive. I wanted the movie to keep going. So much credit should go to the writers, directors, and producers. This was done with creative genius. I would suggest seeing this with an open mind, and see where you fit among the characters.

I'm DONE!

With classes forever! (Barring seminary, of course). I took my last final yesterday, and it's a very strange feeling to not have the looming feeling that I need to be studying. All the things I had pushed off until after finals now stares me in the face, waiting for my attention. Also, no longer being a typical "student" gives me this creeping sense that adulthood is sneaking up on me behind my right shoulder. I'm too afraid to swat it away. I know I'm not going to win that battle. Many times through ASP or other responsibilities I've convinced myself that I'm ready, that I can take it. And who knows? I might be, but I'm still not necessarily looking forward to it. I don't like to do things I'm not already good at, and I'm pretty sure that this ain't gonna be one of them...at least not at first, anyway.

Last night, my class had our P3 Banquet, and it was great! I got to spend time, cut up, eat, and dance with some of the people I've been in school with for the past 3 years. We've stressed together, took tests together, laughed together, sometimes fought together, and even cried together. I'll be sad not to see them all regularly. There was even tornado sirens going off outside the place last night, but none of us paid that much attention. I guess we were willing to risk it since this was our last chance to be together before some of us ship off to Nashville, Knoxville, Jackson, and Chattanooga.

We had this fun vote on "superlatives" for our class. There were some funny ones and definitely some random ones. I tied with a guy in my class for "Class Sleeper". My mom was really proud. lol. She got on to me when I told her. I just don't sleep enough. It's not very productive. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to sleep; I just can't really find enough time for it. So yeah, when a professor drones on, reading from his slides in a monotone voice, as hard as I try, I usually end up with the eye-drooping, head bobbing, struggle to stay awake.

I also brought home Best Personality, which I was really surprised by. I have some of the coolest kids in my class. They're all extremely unique and very gifted. It's been a great three years, and I'll miss them all very much. I have definitely come out of this experience with new experiences, new memories, new insights, and a lot of new friends.

Things that I've learned over the past week in planning and organizing the banquet/casino night for 400 people...

1. It's never too early to start.
2. You better have an awesome group of people helping you out, cuz there ain't NO way you're 'bout to pull it off on your own. And I do. This year's Exec. Committee has been amazing. I love those people. There's no way this year would have happened without their hard work, dedication, and willingness to always lend a hand. Of course, they were great about giving me courtesy laughs when I cut up during EC meetings too. And the new EC seems just as strong. ASP is such a fortunate organization to have such gifted servant leaders.
3. When you're involved in things bigger than you, which in almost every case simply includes life itself, you BETTER have a rock to which you're anchored. You better have your hope and expectation invested in something bigger than your present reality. You better know Jesus.
4. Never buys items online from ANY company that ships via DHL. This shipping service's incompetence alone was responsible for at least two crying episodes.
5. Everything will work out, maybe not to your expectation, but it'll get done...or it won't. And you'll still live to see tomorrow according to God's will.
6. No matter how many times I've seen God's faithfulness showered over my life, I always fail in the midst of trial. I wuss out. I cry. I get mad. I try to fix things on my own. I look for answers and actually expect my definition of "justice" to prevail in the universe. When the pressure hits, I completely let verses like Matt. 6:33, Prov. 3:5-6, Col. 1:17, Isaiah 55:8-9, and tons of others flee from my immediate consciousness.

I need to go back over Psalm 119:11 "Thy Word have I hid in mine heart that I might not sin against Thee."

Or how about Psalm 119:105 "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

I require being broken before I ever just listen. If God's love were no better than mine, He would have given up on me a long time ago. He gives me promises I can count, that I can rest in, promises that secure my hope.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

-Isaiah 41:10

I received more sad news today. It seems that the reality of death has lingered in my life over the past couple of weeks. After the unexpected death of a fellow student and friend two weeks ago, this past Saturday, my father called to inform me that my great-aunt Janice had died in here sleep at a very young 58 years old. She was my MamaJo's younger sister, and my stepmom's aunt. She had health problems in the past, but no one expected this to happen now. She has many grandchildren, and one of them is expecting a child now. This has left her whole family shaken up, and my prayer is that God will use this to draw them unto Himself as their source of comfort and peace.

This morning my mom called to inform me that one of Payten's (my youngest sister who's a senior in high school) classmates hung himself. One of the most entertaining defensive football players to watch, the boy was loved and admired by many. My stepdad was one of his biggest fans on the field. The senior class is getting a tragic end to their time together. Please keep those kids and his family in your prayers. I pray that they would search for answers, and that God would reveal Himself as He is, almighty, sovereign, loving, and in control.

Spring normally brings new life, and maybe God will use these events we view as tragic to spur newness in people's souls. That is prayer. Please let it be yours.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I just thought you guys should know that I have a big test on Monday over psychiatric disorders and their treatment, and I've diagnosed myself with at least half of them...

I wish I had more items of conviction or intense emotion to blog about, but here's all that's been swimming in my head...

Daron, my sis, had surgery last Friday to fix the compartment syndrome in her legs that had been keeping her from her A-game in soccer. Please pray for her quick recovery, and you can read all about the experience on her blog, which I have linked to the left. She's awesome, and I'm very proud of her.

I went to Nashville on Saturday to look for potential living arrangements, and I was overall discouraged. There are good options, but I'd like to have a roommate due to cost-efficiency, and none are currently presenting themselves. Living with someone is a big deal. If it's a bad situation, you're looking at a pretty miserable experience. So then there's the option of living alone, I'm just not sure I want to have to take out that much in loans. We'll see. Please pray for that.

And then school, ASP, church, and the move from Memphis. It's wierd how I feel myself moving away from my attachments here. I love my friends, my church, my people at church, and my familiarity with the area. But I feel like there's much more potential to be reached in another geographic region. Most of my friends here are married or getting there, and their time is hard to get. So my communication with local friends has dwindled considerably. It works out, because there are a million other things I need to be doing. And actually, it's conditioning me for the move. Now the communication resembles what it can be like while I'm in Nashville. Not much transition needed. But I still want to make the most of the rest of my time.

Spiritually, God really got my attention last weekend. He showed me what I looked like in terms of spiritual fitness, and I was disgusted. It's like seeing yourself 150 pounds overweight. I'm so out of shape in that area. I used to be on the ball. I guess being at Union was my glory days when it comes to spiritual discipline, because the college me would probably break out some Chuck Norris on the now me if it had the chance. I'm currently trying to recenter. Life's just sooooo not worth trying if you've lost sight of WHY you've been created. And with school, ASP, and busy-ness, I had. I think Melinda's untimely death reminded me of how to prioritize. Praise the Lord that He loves me enough to draw me back to Himself, knowing that I won't ever get it all right, but providing me the grace to seek His righteousness and pursue His heart.

We lost one today.

So many people lost. A young man lost his girlfriend. A father and mother lost their daughter. A sister and friend lost her sister and friend. We lost a friend, a classmate, a future colleague, a member of ASP EC, and a leader at our school. We were given no warning. We did not get to say goodbye. There is no precedent for this. We lost.

Father, please let us find comfort and peace in you during this time. We lift up the family and loved ones of this individual. Please bring your consolation into the deepest hurts in our hearts. We trust that she is with You. May you use this time of grief to bring glory to Yourself. We know that Your ways are not ours (Isaiah 55:8-9), and that Your plan is perfect despite our lack of understanding. Grant us the grace to trust that Your plan is ultimately for good regardless of what we see (Jer. 29:11). Make us know that You have a specific plan for each life you create (Psalm 139). May we be reminded that our lives are short. Remind us that You give us breath for the sole purpose of being like You and reflecting the glory of Who You are. Remind us the difference between eternal and temporal things. Let our investments be for the former rather than the latter.

Father, being known by You makes me long to be with You as this young one is. I pray that you guide our steps in Your will until the day ordained for each of us to leave this life. Hold us, Lord. Let us rest against Your chest (Deut. 33:12) until we get to see You face to face.

Conclusion

I've been restless for the past month or so with life in general due to where I'm at right now, what I have, what I don't have, who I am, responsibilities, decisions, etc. But this morning, I came to the conclusion that if this lack of contentment always leads me to the desparation to know Christ more and be near Him, I'll take it.

UConn's a CROC!

How in the nation can a team seriously pass on in the tournament when the refs just conveniently miss two HUGE calls that could have changed everything? First of all, when a man TRIPS over another player's foot (the clumsy Marcus Williams from UConn), IT'S NOT A FOUL!!! Maybe those pages just weren't in those ref's manual. Who knows? And it seems kinda odd that Dentmon, one of the U-W players that was holdin' things together FOULED OUT on that cruddy call! Interesting! Then, another set of pages that seems to have been misplaced from the ref's manual was GOALTENDING. If the ball is on the arc down due to the pull of gravity, then the other team, according to my understanding, is not allowed to touch the ball! Roy was robbed. However, the refs seemed to have missed this one too! So, the golden team that everyone has placed in their top two CONVENIENTLY moves on...on a fluke.

Creative homeless signs:

"My wife is kidnapped, and I'm 93 cents short."

"Very bad advice................................1 dollar."

One homeless man pretends to be a bush then lunges out at innocent victims passing by. This makes onlookers laugh, so they give him money.

I will say that in comparison to Memphis, San Francisco has more homeless people and those that are more creative with their panhandling.

I write this not to make light of the poverty problem, but to relay a little humor.

Quarter-Life Crisis

A hard truth of life after college for many unattached young adults is that there's no one that takes an interest in what happens to you on a daily basis. For me, the young adventurer who loved coming back to the dormroom and relaying a meager sighting of the recent crush as if it were worthy of the nightly news to my roommates, who were kind enough to convince me they cared, this is quite an adjustment. My friends, who I was constantly encouraged and inspired by because I saw them on a daily basis, are all over the world, literally. I do have friends who I love and have taken great investment in me, but we all have other obligations now...that require time. And the sad part is...so much of my time is taken up with stuff I have to do that isn't too exciting. That cuts down on the number of quality stories I have to tell. So it's fine in the sense that there's less to tell and less ears to hear. But the problem is that I'm needy, and some aspect of that interaction is therapeutic for me...the entertaining? the being heard? the attention? Not sure. I just get stuck playing different roles during the day so I want to come home and be the core me, which is goofy, loud, obnoxious, and sometimes entertaining to others. But with no audience, I'm stuck with being the core me with just me. Not as much fun.

Please excuse my whining, honesty, and transparency.

I leave tomorrow for this meeting. I highly dislike packing. I cannot pack light. I've tried...to no avail. Every time I start out resolved to be meager and sure enough, I end up with my closet in a carry out box. It stems from my desire to be prepared for any and all possible circumstances. Maybe this goes even deeper...I've noticed that the fuel for my analytical nature is the apprehension of mistakes. Oh me, of little faith. After years of walking, you'd think I'd be past simple things. Well, if the chicken and the egg cycle DOES in fact apply to faith and obedience in the Christian walk, then my obedience must be pretty nill to keep my faith muscle so weak. Geesh, that's a harrowing revelation.

But the good news is always grace. And not to cheapen it to something that we shower over us in times of need like Bonhoeffer was disdainful of in Cost of Discipleship, but the costly grace that we turned our lives over to Christ in order to receive. THAT is the grace that allows us to have breath despite the fact that we are sinful. That was in fact paid for with the ultimate cost...the sinless Savior's life. That grace bought for me will allow me to know Truth, know Him, and live for Him and like Him.

I've been kinda down lately. I haven't pinpointed a reason, but I knew I wanted some type of external spiritual food before I left, so I went to the prayer service at my church tonight. It was a small, intimate group of about 50 seniors (mostly, anyway). I had the privilege of praying with a beautiful couple. They were both so grounded in the Word; their prayers were laced with it all throughout their requests. It's been so long since I heard such petition from spiritual warriors with that many battle tales. They were also very encouraging to me as we were leaving. They immediately asked me about myself, my schooling, my plans. God is great when He shows Himself across generations. I wish I had more interaction with older men and women of the faith. There's a wealth of wisdom to be tapped.

Once again, God shows me His faithfulness before I embark on spring break travel. After San Fran, I'm headed to Colorado to ski with my dad, Lecia, Daron, and Kellen. I'm way excited. I'll be back the 25th, and then chaos will hit until April 25th, my last final.

Leave me a comment letting me know what God's been showing you, whether big or small. I want to know.

Would you rather...

lose your sense of sight or sense of hearing? And don't say "neither" because that's a copout response that requires no thought, and we don't have room for nonsense like that on the comment page. I want you to think about it and explain your answer.
The only conditions are as follows:

We ARE talking about at this point in your life. So you HAVE known what it's like to have both. Picture a degenerative disease or something of that hypothetical nature.

Think and then comment! I'm curious...

Just as the process referred to in my blog title, life keeps changing. God keeps bringing new highs, new lows, and basic NEWNESS. I've experienced and been challenged with so many situations I never thought I would be in. They're definitely not all bad. They're just NEW, as if I haven't been redundant enough by this point. Let me just go ahead and specify these...um...things that haven't been in my life before...(see how I tried to not use the three-letter word that starts with an N again?)

Stress- I know everyone throws this word around like we do the word water or time or busy, but it's taken on a much more intense effect on me lately. I've mentioned it before in my blogs, but let me reiterate that it hasn't subsided much. Some of the sources of stress (school, ASP presidency, the ASP banquet, finding a place to live and moving to Nashville) will not be alleviated until well into May. However, some of the sources (finding a car, dealing with the wreck, etc.) have come to a close. God has been faithful to hold me through that ordeal, and I now have a car that is far more than sufficient to meet all my needs. And I'm very grateful to Him and to my parents for helping with that solution.

Relationships- I'm probably more removed from them than I've ever been on a regular basis. Interacting with people is probably next after time spent with God in terms of importance in my life. It's wierd that I've had to forego some of these opportunities to hang out with friends in order to survive the other agenda items that were vying for my time.

Then there's the fun stuff, like helping out with the youth at church. I absolutely love it. I love the kids. The ministers are amazing at what God's called them to do. I love to see it all, and to get to be right there helping facilitate God's work through that ministry is like dessert to me. My experiences there have taught me to relate to and love freshman girls that I was scared I had nothing in common with. I've also learned to be a "switcher" (one who sits at the tech booth and switches from different camera shots with various effects between), a cameragirl (is that the correct term?) who runs around on and in front of the stage while the DNow band is playing (thanks to Will Turner, the intern who insisted I could do the job even though I almost cried when he told me that was my post), and I've learned to believe in and invest in God's work in future generations. The words and time given to me by people during my youth such as Russ Wilkins, Fred Ward, and Ronnie Hill have made a huge difference in my walk over the years. If God can use me in a fraction of that capacity in the life of a student at GBC, I say "yes!" "Here am I, Lord, send me." This, along with school, is my mission field for the moment.

God's solidifying many concepts in my hearts, and it's priceless. I've been walking long enough to not place value on the intensity of emotion I feel at different times and settings but just appreciate when He lets me feel near. I'm learning to truly rest and trust in the Truths of God's Word, just because they're there. And they don't change...ever. That's a victory in itself. That Book is it. All the answers. So if my emotions don't happen to line up, the explanation is usually lack of referral to the Manual for this life.

The thing that most often reminds me of the fact that God is God and I am not is that He never changes. His immutability is my rock to stand on. The only thing I'm consistent at is being inconsistent. But because His ability to use me is NOT dependent on how "good" I am, He can do all things AT ALL TIMES. Praise the Lord that I am His...that I am known by Him and loved by Him...that I have an eternal inheritance that far surpasses everything I can see in this life...that man is but a breath and that HIS love is everlasting!

Sanctified by glory and fire...

That's a line of one of the songs Chad led us in during the music today at church. I'm seeing it all around me in the lives of my friends as well as in my own life. For me, the question "why?" is almost pointless. You're never guaranteed and certainly not owed an answer. So minus the emotional release that might follow, it doesn't accomplish anything to ask the question. Our friend Job did. And God let him go on with it until about chapters 39 through about 42 ( I don't have a Bible in front of me, so please don't make nasty comments if I'm off by a couple of chapters). However, God finally answers him. And it's probably not what Job was hoping to hear. He didn't technically get an answer but instead received a staunch questioning pointing to the fact that God is God and man is not. You'd think by our generation we'd have this concept nailed. We all know that's not the case.

But back to the original topic of refinement. It's priceless. I didn't say inexpensive, but priceless. It costs everything. And as a Christian who's been walking long at all, you know you don't really have a choice. When you're honest with yourself, you know there's NOTHING ELSE worth living for. We've all tried our tastes with this and that, but it doesn't satisfy. So we're left with surviving the trials. But there's a jewel to be found...

My dear friend Moses Caesar (check out his book at www.mosesbook.com) challenged me when I was going through a rough time to look at times like these as an opportunity to experience God in a way never done before. When you are at your most vulnerable point, you are broken just enough to let God hold you like He never has. Instead of squirming for a way out, the peace comes in resting with the discomfort. Does that make sense? You find comfort in knowing you're being held, God's love and concern for you hasn't changed, and you're just as close to His heart as you've ever been. Check Deut. 33:12. It talks about the one the Lord loves resting between His shoulders. How sweet is that? Knowing we can lay our heads on His chest and REST there.

The verses Moses pointed me towards in this time were in Psalm 131, where the writer is broken. He compares himself to a weaned child. The significance comes in understanding that a weaned child can (1) recognize his need, (2) make his need known to the one that can do something about his need, but (3) he CANNOT do anything about his need himself. This is exactly how we are in life many times. So we rest in God, trusting His truths about His unchanging love for us (John 3:16, Rom. 5:8, Heb. 13:8), His plans for us (Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28, Ps. 139:16), and His eternal victory (John 16:33, Rom. 11:36).

Be strong, take heart, my brothers and sisters, for He has overcome the world, and we are joint heirs with Him!

I have a new link! Ok, I'm a bad friend and just now have Reems' blog linked. So check her out. She's my favorite Lebanese girl in Botswana...or anywhere else for that matter.

Question posed...Need response

Many times the issue of whether God allows or directly causes things to happen has been disputed. Some may say there's not a difference between them; if He's in control, then whatever happens was His will, right? Well, here's what initiated the thought process for me.

I was reading James 1:13, where in the latter part of the verse, James says "He Himself does not tempt anyone" (NASB). So God doesn't tempt people. The Bible says so. But consider Job. Satan asked God to have his way with His servant, and God allowed him to take things away. What about Jesus in the desert. He was definitely tempted. Was that God's will? We know it was part of Him embracing full humanness and exemplary in showing us how to respond. So it definitely served a purpose. And I believe God received glory in both the instance of Job and Jesus in the desert.

So I think this is sufficient evidence to show that there is a difference between God "doing" something and Him "allowing" something to occur. I believe He can receive glory from anything He decides (Rom. 8:28, Isa. 55:8-9, Acts 17:26-27).

Now the concept of His will...that's a whole other region of obscurity. Do things become His will after they have deviated from His best. Can His best ever include sin and its consequences? We all know He can repair and create beauty in the ugliest of circumstances, but what do you call that? His will? I have a hard time discerning where to use that phrase. Maybe we should ease up on that. What does Ecc. 5:2 and 6:11 say?

NAT and BRAD

These kids are adorable. They both look 15 in this pic. That's why I love it. More accurate than you know. Since Nat and I moved from 2,000 square feet over in Midtown to the 1100 square feet of our downtown apartment, the luxury of space has eluded us. Needless to say, we get to spend much more time together. And I like it. Brad lives in the same complex, so he's less than within walking distance. We all ride out to GBC together, and lately we've shared a lot of meals together. But they're precious. I love being around them. They both have such an energy...kind of like that of a 5-year-old. All the time. Until either of them get still. Then they nap for hours at a time. It's hilarious. The randomness that comes out of their mouth and the volume at which they speak it always ensures an entertaining time. And all they have in common is just so fitting. It's a great story. God's amazing for writing it and letting me read it.

And I typed this in the color of my bridesmaid dress on purpose.

I'm so full.

Today was amazing. At 2: something this morning, I went to bed after cutting up with Nat, watching a stupid movie on tv, and washing my face. However, I put off studying the Fusion lesson until the morning. I did, however, pray in repentance for being such a horrible steward of my time and energy. I had such a feeling of dread for having been so irresponsible. This is me being transparent. So I woke up early (about four hours later) and cranked up my newly-received coffee maker. I prayed God would just work in spite of me to communicate His Truth to my girls this morning. It's not that I personally have ever had anything worth giving, but I had definitely dropped the ball this time. So I read, prepared, prayed, and went to church.

Nat and I were running a little late, but I showed up right on time to less of my girls present than usual. I was so excited to give them their little goody bags of candy for Valentine's Day. They are my valentines. And they're the best ones I've had (and the only ones, shh, don't tell) in 7 years. lol. Yeah, I'm serious. But God totally worked in that time. The girls were responsive, attentive, and really engaged in the lesson. I even got choked up when I kinda chased a rabbit to share with them how much they mean to me and how much I hope for them in Christ. I love those girls. They really encourage me. Heck, one of them even called me this week just to talk! That made my day for sure. She even advertised for me today in class, telling the other girls that I was fun to talk to and (get this:) that I knew, like, EVERYTHING. lol. I definitely denied it, but laughed.

In the service, Matt and Meg came to visit since they were commissioning the Evangelism Explosion group and Matt was a part. I had the luxury of reminiscing when Meg and I would always sit together and sing different harmonies to the songs. It was great. The prayer time during the service was intense after Pastor Sam shared various tragedies going on around the world. The main ones hitting me were that thousands were dying in genocide in Sudan, and that missionaries were being evacuated from Venezuela. Yep, my country that I spent a summer of my life in was kicking out the vessels of Truth. I all but weaped during that prayer, but it was rich and I was glad to get to help bear the pain.

After church, a group of us went to lunch with Matt and Meg. Conversation and humor were delicious. My friends and the people God has brought across my path at GBC are some jewels if I've ever seen them. I left with that contented sentiment that you get after having been with those who appreciate you.

Tonight I joined the youth for Difference Makers, a program that teaches students to be servants every day to their classmates. We imitated the persecuted church by going in groups of two to this secluded hallway up a stairwell to meet. Phil gave us each a story of a person or a group that was being persecuted around the world. We then shared about them and prayed. The prayers were amazing. God was definitely there. I, of course, teared up again.

Then basketball. I had a blast this week. I'm getting a little better, but I've just now overcome the intense fear of looking stupid...which worked to my advantage because I absolutely busted it one time tonight when I tripped over the feet of a teammate. lol. Yeah, it was funny; you can laugh. And Casey, you'd be soooo honkin' proud. One time I was wide open at the 3-point line, they passed me the ball, somebody yelled "Shoot!" I replied, "okay" nonchalantly. Sure enough, threw that junk up and nothin' but net! Money! I was so excited, and immediately proclaimed that it would never happen again. I got congrats from both teams. I really enjoyed my team, and I love hanging out with the kids. I wish I could just get inside all of their hearts, inject them with the Truth of who they are in Christ, tell them how cool I think they are, challenge them to be men and women of God, and see the fruit. But I leave in May. Leaving this ministry makes me the saddest about leaving Memphis. Germantown Baptist, so much of it, is the single thing I'll miss the most.