God is good...

ALL THE TIME. You know where I'm going with this... I was with my girls (E-Randle, A-Graves, and Kirst) having our Bible study time at Origin 23, and I was going through a timeline of spiritual markers in my life. Part of our assignment this week was to document times where God has spoken His will or made clear His purpose for us in ministry. As I was sharing mine, Amanda keeps looking over my head with this look of fear on her face. Finally, I stopped to ask what was wrong, and she explained that the college and singles minister for one of the local churches was standing right behind me, partially listening in as I explained that the common themes in God's calling on my life had been evangelism, discipleship, and community.

The rest of the story is that for a couple of weeks now I have had this idea on my heart for a regional gathering of young adults (singles). Most of the people I know here go to smaller churches that just don't have enough people or resources to facilitate a ministry focused on the needs of this group. In Memphis and Nashville we had multiple options for such a gathering (e.g. The Loop, Metro, Kairos, etc.). So why not get a group of people that I already know together for music, a message, and tons of fellowship for the edification of believers from college to mid-30s? I mentioned it to Rob, our small group pastor at Discovery. His response: Sounds great! Go for it. Not exactly what I expected (or wanted) to hear. So the more I've prayed, the more God has ignited this flame in me for this to come to fruition. Not only that, but my girls here have said they were in. Whatever God led us to, they would help. Since then I've been praying, looking, listening, and waiting expectantly for the next step.

After she tells me who this guy is and that he was almost trying to hear my conversation, my heart started racing. I didn't know what to do or what this meant. So I asked the girls to pray as I submitted the whole situation to God. After "amen" I went over to the group (he was meeting with the worship leader and another guy) to introduce myself and kinda share my vision. I got his email address, and it was done. He sounded excited, and I emailed him this morning. How crazy is that?

Why is it that I still get so surprised that God will work out His purposes? Maybe the real surprise (and sublime) part is that He calls us to be part of the plan!

Identity

This was the topic of Pastor Rob's sermon today (or yesterday) at church. He started a two-part series on singleness. A group of us actually did a little skit to help kick things off (written and directed by my dear friend Erin Randle, the lyrical wordsmith). We all went over to his house earlier this week to discuss issues that we single people frequently encounter. It (and the skit) was funny to go over all the phrases single people have thrown at them. Here were some of the examples:

1. You'll find him (or her) as soon you stop looking and/or when you least expect it. Do you have a 12-step program to get someone to "not looking" or "least expecting"? What about us observant folks? Are we just ruled out forever? And what does that even mean or imply? I don't (nor do any of my friends) sit around and pine for some person to complete my life.
2. Are you dating anyone? Do you have a boyfriend? Why not? Don't even get me started on this one. How do I begin to address this? The obligatory courtesy laugh usually ensues.
3. Maybe there's something God has for you to do before then. Where are you not plugged in? This is where I feel like building a resume would be most appropriate, documenting all my "spiritual activity" like some scoreboard that proves my eligibility as a member of a godly dating relationship.
4. Just keep running the race on the path God has for you. Eventually you'll look to the left or right and see someone running right beside you. Then you just link up to run the race together. While this is a beautiful picture of how a love story God writes might go, it's kinda silly. Most of the single people I know ARE running the race the best way we know how. It's not like we've stopped, sat down for a second, and decided to scavenge our immediate surroundings for any and all possible dating prospects. Most of us are doing the dang thing. And enjoying it as we go!
5. Maybe your expectations are too high. You should ease up on guys. Expecting a boy to love Jesus before I would date him is NOT an excessive expectation. It's sensible. It saves him money and both of us time in the grand scheme of things. If we don't have the most basic part of my life in common, then where would we even start? I'm not willing to chase that rabbit. Waste of time.

Things are really good right now. I can't remember a time when my life felt this full. Now that I've been able to shank the school/residency monkey-on-your-back syndrome, my life is MINE again. I'm in an amazing Bible study with 3 girls who love Jesus and love me. I'm plugged in to a beautiful little church full of people fully-devoted to encountering God and equipping others to do the same. I really like my job and the people that I work with. I get true fulfillment by using my education/training to help others to the best of my ability. And more than all these things, God has shown Himself to be active in my life. He's inspiring my heart for new ministries; He's linking it with others to walk this journey with; and He's drawing me to know Him more.

So for this season, I am eternally grateful. I know I will look back and see this is as a fruitful, sweet time in my life. I praise God for showing this to me in the midst of it.

Square Pegs

...in round holes. Frequently used phrase, I know. I think of Jill Philip's album every time I hear it. But it's the best cliche to describe how I feel in this recent phase of growth/life/whatever you want to call this process of sanctification. I'm a redeemed soul built for glory submerged in this fallen world. And it feels like that. Nothing fits. I don't fit. Please note at this point that my redemption/salvation/justification was and is due to no merit of my own. That's clear. (Eph. 2:8-9, Romans 3:10) I'm not saying, "Woe is me because I'm better than my environment".

But I don't fit here. And I don't think I'm supposed to. There are times where this life feels better than other times, but as I'm going through this Experiencing God study with my girls, I'm really having to wrestle through some Truths. I went into it expecting God to just show up and make my heart light after the first week. Well, that specific event hasn't happened yet. I know He's at work. He's been at work (Phil. 1:6) ; that's what this whole study is about.

Here recently the focus has been on my personal relationship with Him. That's a tough one. It has honed in on the basics: He LOVES me. He asks me to LOVE Him back. It's that simple. So why is that the hardest part? Why do I think in my heart that His love is no better than mine? Why do I struggle trusting Him, as if everything's not in His hands to begin with (Col. 1:17)? Why do I hesitate to hand Him the hope of my heart?

Honestly, I'm a little gun-shy. My hope constantly disappoints. But why? Oh, that's because I've placed it in events, or people, or changes, or results, or control. Why does my heart not understand that He's the only safe place for my hope, for my heart?

Because, let's be honest, I'm not going to be cheerleader-happy very consistently on this earth. And I'm learning just today that what He asks me to do is not "be happy", but rest in the discontentment. Rest in the knowing that He IS Who He says He is. He will do what He said He will do. THAT, and that alone, is the only safe, secure place for my hope. It's the only place my heart fits.

Random Musings...

I had an exciting day at work. I got to be the primary pharmacist on a code (which means somebody wasn't doing well at all), and despite the horridness of the situation, it was a rush. As a healthcare worker, sometimes the worst situations for others are the most shaping for your career. I had two residents and a technician helping out and looking on, and I was actually just charged (in a positive way) by the whole crisis situation. I seem to flourish under high-pressure, crunch-type situations. So despite the underlying cause, I appreciated the experience.

And then two things made me laugh at myself today:

1. I was talking to a 21-year-old who's about to hit 22 at the gym today, and he was complaining about it. You know I wasn't going to let him have all the glory, so I made a topping reference to my own age (which he already knew). And his follow-up comment? "But you're well-preserved!". REALLY? If someone uses a phrase like "well-preserved", doesn't that automatically mean you're old? Seriously?
2. I had a blast tonight. I did something that made my heart happy. I used my new Hoover vacuum cleaner in my apartment. It's just nice for ONCE to have your expectations exceeded. Well, my trusty new Hoover came through for a girl. And I'm content about it.

That's all. Britt and Caleb come to visit tomorrow! Who's excited? Pick me!

Right as Rain

That was today. Today the rain was just...right. It was my day off for this week. I work through Sunday. Not much to look forward to. But the rain was somehow refreshing. I didn't really want the sun with its pressure to be outside making good use of the day. I wanted the slowness, the okay to feel a little dreary that a rainy day brings. It was ironically uplifting.

I've started "Experiencing God", the Bible study, with three bombin' girls from my church, and it's been really good. Just deep, gut-checking, faith-pushing, good. We meet in a coffee shop, but that hasn't barred the tears when they were looming. We're only in the first few units of the study, but God is already pushing me to hard places. He's calling me out on a lot of things and calling me to follow Him out on different ledges of faith. It's been a while since He interrupted my life so blatantly. It's uncomfortable. I'm overarchingly thankful for it, but squirmy through part of the process.

But I heart these girls. More so every week. It's amazing how we each can see how God wants the other to let Him love her. Two of the girls gave me "You are Special" by Max Lucado for my birthday. I read it last night for the first time and teared up. When the puppet realizes that the only thing that matters is what the Creator thinks, he's free. He's whole. I want that. Consistently. All the time. Just because God spoke it. I want that to be enough for my heart to hope in. About everything.

I'm enjoying the process...as much as you can in the midst of discomfort. We talked about that...lots of uncomfortable-ness. lol. That was a time of laughing. But overall, I expect to experience God. I expect to know Him more and trust His heart with all of mine. I'll keep you posted.

Amazing story

If you went to Union, do you remember Amber Donovan, April Donovan's older sister? You probably also know that she was married and that she and her husband were missionaries overseas. They had just adopted their second child from overseas when she was killed in a car crash on the way to pick her husband up from the airport. Here's an interesting article about one of the fruits from her life:

Check it out here.

30 SIDE OF 20

It's coming for me on Sunday. The big 26. Originally I wasn't looking forward to this one. I mean, 25's the year, right? It's the time of your life, right? Well, it was a good year for me, true. Lots of transition, growth, and newness. No regrets.

I have a new home in a new state, a career I enjoy and am proud of, and a great community here to do life with. I love my church home, my coworkers, and my friends here.

More than ever, I'm grateful for the amazing family members and friends from life pre-Washington. I'm more comfortable being me than ever before.

So yeah, bring on 26. It's gonna be the best year yet!

Discomfort

I guess that's the most appropriate term. I don't ever know what to expect. At different points in life, I begin to think "I thought I would get this by now. Why do I still feel ill-prepared? Why do I keep coming to the same points over the same issues? Why do I end up feeling the same way?" In college, during what I consider one of my greenest times spiritually, I often felt alone. I felt like no one else in the world understood what I was going through. And at the time, I always felt like it was God preparing for a life called out, one set apart. I felt He was equipping me for what He had called me to. And at the time I was sensitive enough to the Spirit, and my faith muscle was conditioned enough to lean on Him and let Him be more than enough to get me through it.

At many points I've been able to stand on the thought of me and God for the long haul. I'll be fine because it's Him writing my story, and He hasn't left me to live it blind or alone. But I think over the years I fell under the deception that things would be different when I got older or after I hit these certain milestones. I've made a ton of friends over the years. And not just people being nice to me: I'm talking people in the trenches with me. Living LIFE together. Sometimes they've had to drag me through when I couldn't see to the other side of my obstacles. Great friends. But I still come back to this place: the feeling that I am alone. It's just my story that God is writing. He hasn't made anyone a consistent player in this production. Please don't misunderstand me: my family is amazing. They are ALWAYS there and willing to offer love, prayer, and support. But it's different. I can't live with them. That's not adulthood. And my amazing friends (my old skool college friends) are scattered across the globe. Communication is hard.

All this comes up as I transition to the next step. No more school. No more tests. No more projects or assignments. It's over. I have no next box to check, no hurdle to jump. I have a stable job, and I'm considering purchasing property. And it scares me to death. I think the answer will come in the form of response to this question: Is how I feel independent of my immediate circumstance or is it there to spur me on to my next step?

Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet

My new anthem. This girl's phenomenal.

Vessels

Not the bloody kind. But I received some great insight from a friend who's learning about being one, and I wanted to share her thoughts. I hope you are as challenged and encouraged as I was by them.

"1 Corinthians 3:5 says "What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants through whom you came to believe - as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who makes things grow."

We are pushed from Day one to be someone, to fill a role and to have success and accomplishments, to make a name for ourselves as our culture dictates. We put so much emphasis on forming this individual identity that we believe it actually matters, when the reality is that while those things can be good they are secondary to being used by Christ. It really hit me that Paul refers to himself as a what, the same greek word used for objects because that's what we are, we're vessels - of God's love and grace and mercy, a testament to His name. And apart from that, we're nothing.

Every creation was formed to give glory to God, to praise the works of His hands and we are simply another creation to be used for the same end. To start thinking of ourselves as a what instead of a who takes away the need we've created for this individual identity and allows us to simply be useful. Like the potter and the clay - the clay finds its identity in what the potter is doing with it - there's no value in the clay itself, even if it's expensive or rare or beautiful. If it is not used, it's worth nothing. The value and the purpose comes in the potter crafting the clay for a specific use and the clay fulfilling that. We are merely vessels, unformed clay - and without Him using us, we could accomplish nothing.

A friend recently told me that marriage is not about our happiness but about our sanctification and looking more like Christ. I think that's true for every area of our lives. I have such a tendency to think my desires are genuinely of consequence. And they're not. He controls those desires and puts them there for a purpose, but my view of what the outcome will be is not always the same as His because it's not that we have desires and God fulfills them, but rather that He gives us desires to guide us to a specific direction, and to make us content in His placement. Ultimately my happiness is secondary to my usefulness in bringing Him glory. That's why I can't find my identity in being a paramedic or a wife or anything else aside from the task He has given me, which is to trust Him, to follow Him above all else, and to be a vessel for His use.

There's this line in a Rascal Flatts song that says "I drive myself crazy trying to stay out of my own way" I feel like that defines my life. By thinking it mattered who I am or what I accomplished or anything else, it took my focus off Christ and continuously got me in trouble. I trust His purpose, and know that He can and will and wants to use this life to bring Him glory. I just have to stay out of the way, quit thinking I have any right to figure things out, quit acting like my desires are of any relevance, and to allow myself to be useful."

I love my friends! I'm thankful that God has blessed me with so many that challenge me to know Jesus more.

Asilomar

The Western States Residency Conference is held at Asilomar, a state park in Monterey, California every year. This is where the residents from the western side of the country get together to present on the research project they've dedicated their year to. There are 750 people here at the neat little rustic grounds to either present or support those who are presenting.

The good news is that I'm done already. I gave my presentation on the impact of a pharmacist in an ambulatory cystic fibrosis clinic this morning. And it went pretty well. No one drilled me with ridiculous questions, and most people were complimentary. So now I feel great. For the most part, that was the pinnacle of my year. And now I'm past it. It's a bit of a wierd feeling. Either way, I'm here until Friday.

The bad news is that's it's cold. It's sunny and beautiful here (the scenery), but the breeze is clipping. And I didn't bring any sleeves. Looks like me and the Marmot jacket are 'bout to be best friends. I want to get out and jog, but after they warned us about the potential of meeting up with a mountain lion, I reconsidered.

James (one of my co-residents) presents this afternoon, then Callie (my other co-resident) tomorrow afternoon. Other than that, we're networking (the professional word for hanging out and meeting folks) and relaxing (which is new to most of these attendees).

TENNESSEE

The land of big trucks and sweet tea. Where people talk to you as if they've known you all your life, even if you've never met. The weather was absolutely perfect during my time at home: about 80 and sunny with a cool breeze. I drove with the windows down most of the time. The fragrant smell of honeysuckles was constantly in the air. And I could always go on about how much I love my family. They just keep getting better.

I love being from small-town Tennessee. You can't beat it. That will never change. But I still look forward to returning to my current life in the beautiful Pac NW. I am reminded that I have been and continue to be truly blessed.

HOPE

Big part of my life...of my outlook. Since way back in the day of Huntingdon FBC, singing with my two friends where we each dubbed ourselves with the nicknames of Faith, Hope, and Love. I was Hope, even then. And it's accurate. I'm a closet romantic, idealist, all the perspectives on life that have hope as its basic tenet.

Today, when Pastor John brought the Word from the book of Esther he preached a bombin' sermon on inner beauty, women and our source of attractiveness, etc. And it was so dead-on and culturally relevant. But the part that sliced me the deepest was one of his wrap-up statements:

"We get disappointed because we hope in the wrong things."

Wow...yes, I do. I hope in the wrong things. Romans 5:3-5 talks about enduring suffering so that we produce character, and after character, hope. And our hope doesn't disappoint because of the love God pours into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that lives inside of us. Wow. A hope that DOESN'T DISAPPOINT. Why have I been wasting my time and energy? Seriously? What futile pursuits. A hope that doesn't disappoint. That's a promise. One I'm gonna chase until I can call it mine.

Idealist...to be or not to be?

That is my question. I got into an interesting argument about Biblical truth this weekend. I understand that arguments do no one any good, but it was eye-opening for me. Not that my opinion was changed about the issue, but I was bombarded with a completely different worldview than my own. There is actually a group of people, a school of thought-if you will, that chooses to take a different perspective on the world and its current state.

As I was recapping the prior night's events with a friend of the different worldview at church the next day, I was moved to tears as I explained to him the reasons for my passionate opinions on matters of God and Truth and Man. I was pigeon-holed by my friend, and maybe rightfully so, as an idealist. I see things in black and white. I want sin called what it is. That is important to me. Mainly because I think it's important to God. Let me finish before you start preaching grace at me. I think sin is important to God for two of maybe many reasons: 1. It's less than His best. It flies right in the face of the Truth of who He is when we believe the deception that causes us to sin. 2. It separates us from Him. He loves us too much to be complacent about this. Because He's holy and cannot dwell in the same space as sin. Without the cleansing redemption of Christ's blood, we're all wretched anyway.

I want God's best...period. I'm with John Piper in Christian Hedonism. You'll have to google that one. I believe Jesus when He said He came to give us abundant life (John 10:10). So I want that life. For myself. For my family and my friends. For everyone in the world. So yes, when people are living in utter deception, whether it be to strongholds of cult belief, addiction, homosexuality, insecurity, fear, I hurt. It gnaws at me like a thorn in my heart.

But it's hard. People don't like to hear that. People from the opposing school of thought are really good at accepting people. I admire this about them. I wish it were more natural to me. They accept almost everything as it is. There's a freedom to that...but I'm not built that way. I have to work for change. I can't help it. I think about improvement...always. Without idealism, there's no drive for positive change. So I know I have it for a reason...but I also know I need to move a little toward the other side. I need to be able to leave things be. I need to let people be who they are, let God be who He is, and remember who I am in light of these things.

I don't want to recite the AA prayer here, but Lord, I do ask that you grant me the wisdom to find this balance.

Our night at the Sonics game with Gary Payton

Erin's aunt had some season tickets she didn't plan to use, so the four of us girls decided we should check out the Sonics before they get sold to another city. We're sitting there on Row 1 right by the Mavs entrance, when Gary Payton walks out and asks to slip by me to sit down right beside my friend Amanda!

It was a star-studded night with Jason Kidd, Dirk Nowitske, Mark Cuban, and the whole gang. It was good times. Man, how awesome are my church friends?

Rascal Flatts concert - 4/5/08

I got to sit in floor seats for this stellar concert thanks to my buddy Jason. It was decided on the Thursday before that he still had an open ticket, so I was more than willing to take that off his hands for him! We had so much fun, and we were so honkin' close when they came out onto the center stage!

B-eautiful

That's all there is to it. Tacoma was absolutely honkin' gorgeous today! I woke up and immediately began itching to be outside running and playing. So I called up my girls, and we walked to a nearby beach and threw the frisbee. This reminds me why I want to stay here. The spring and summer totally make the winter worth it. I love Tacoma. It's the prettiest place I've ever lived. And the people aren't too bad either. ;o)

Rough Day

I sat in my car along Ruston Way looking out across the Puget Sound. The choppy water seemed to match my mood. I think many influential factors were external, but still. Choppy waters. Then I saw it. The beautiful rainbow gleaming like it was its job. And it was. And only in a quirky little spot like Tacoma does the sun shine bright while rain is pelting your head.

And there's no point except to say, you know you're going through growth when you can clearly separate the inklings of your mind and those of your heart. And you can, after tears and turmoil, whip your heart into gear. That is, after much prayer and whining. Because God is faithful, I think we're all going to make it.

You can take the girl outta the South...

It's not a new thing for me up here in Washington state to be asked where my accent is from. And those of you that know me know that some of my quirky sayings are just "Lauren-isms" and not exactly cultural. However, I was surprised yesterday when I was recapping a presentation I had just given with my preceptor at the Tacoma Family Medicine clinic and she mentioned a colloquialism that I might want to be aware of. At the end of May, the culmination of my residency will be a beastly presentation over my year-long project at the Western States Residency Conference in Monterrey, CA. So feedback on my presentation skills is valuable to me.

What was it that I said, you ask? I threw in a couple of "might-oughta"'s. I said "might-oughta" in reference to how you should use certain oral diabetic medications. I had no idea this was a regional phrase, but I quickly learned that people don't use such phrases up here. I laughed for about 5 minutes. And now I will reserve my southern phrases/Lauren-isms to nonprofessional settings.

I know, I know. I'm lame...or just lazy for not posting for so long. I think distracted would be a better term to describe my state of being as of late. I had Jada visit, then Dad, Lecia, Daron, and Kellen. I improved my ski skills. I've been hanging out with friends like it's my job. And doing a little work stuff on the side.

But life is so good right now. So many things are changing for so many people. A friend got engaged. A friend had her first kid. A friend had a rough car accident. A friend got a man. It's been a time of change.

The change for me has been a pleasant one. I'm more content with my life now than ever before. I love where I'm at, what I'm doing, and what my options are for the future. I have an amazing support group of family and friends, and my network of friends locally continues to grow.

My involvement with my church here has deepened, and I'm pumped about ministry there. If I could change one thing, it would be to deepen spiritually. I desperately want godly wisdom, maturity, humility, and love to be more evident in my life. I want a pure heart. I pray for these things. I believe God does, can, and will use me in the meantime as He slowly cultivates these.

With the residency winding down in a few months, there's a new freedom on the horizon. I don't know what that means, but I'm excited. Stay tuned!