Friday, August 08, 2008

Square Pegs round holes. Frequently used phrase, I know. I think of Jill Philip's album every time I hear it. But it's the best cliche to describe how I feel in this recent phase of growth/life/whatever you want to call this process of sanctification. I'm a redeemed soul built for glory submerged in this fallen world. And it feels like that. Nothing fits. I don't fit. Please note at this point that my redemption/salvation/justification was and is due to no merit of my own. That's clear. (Eph. 2:8-9, Romans 3:10) I'm not saying, "Woe is me because I'm better than my environment".

But I don't fit here. And I don't think I'm supposed to. There are times where this life feels better than other times, but as I'm going through this Experiencing God study with my girls, I'm really having to wrestle through some Truths. I went into it expecting God to just show up and make my heart light after the first week. Well, that specific event hasn't happened yet. I know He's at work. He's been at work (Phil. 1:6) ; that's what this whole study is about.

Here recently the focus has been on my personal relationship with Him. That's a tough one. It has honed in on the basics: He LOVES me. He asks me to LOVE Him back. It's that simple. So why is that the hardest part? Why do I think in my heart that His love is no better than mine? Why do I struggle trusting Him, as if everything's not in His hands to begin with (Col. 1:17)? Why do I hesitate to hand Him the hope of my heart?

Honestly, I'm a little gun-shy. My hope constantly disappoints. But why? Oh, that's because I've placed it in events, or people, or changes, or results, or control. Why does my heart not understand that He's the only safe place for my hope, for my heart?

Because, let's be honest, I'm not going to be cheerleader-happy very consistently on this earth. And I'm learning just today that what He asks me to do is not "be happy", but rest in the discontentment. Rest in the knowing that He IS Who He says He is. He will do what He said He will do. THAT, and that alone, is the only safe, secure place for my hope. It's the only place my heart fits.

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