For the LORD is our judge,

the LORD is our lawgiver,

the LORD is our king;

it is He who will save us.

-Isaiah 33:22, NIV

The chasm between a kindergarten level of education and that of a rocket scientist doesn't come close to adequately representing the difference between my concept of justice and God's. That's becoming increasingly apparent in my life over this past week. No, I take that back, let's go on and roll it back to when the drama came to a head at GBC. I'm stubborn, passionate, and strong-willed, so I always want to help, fix, and reconcile things. But I'm usually too emotional to do that well or tactfully.

When I am made aware of someone suffering "unjustly" around me, I am first and intensely mad. I want to wrong the person that I feel has wronged them. I want to stomp whatever is causing their pain. Then when the realization hits that I can do nothing about it, I get depressed. I get sad, feel helpless, and wonder if anything is worth trying for. All the time, I've completely shanked everything that God promises He is. He is just. He is loving. He is in control. All good things come from Him. All things work for the good of those who love Him. He has a plan, for good not for harm. We are waging a spiritual war, not against things we can see.

None of these truths are in my cognition in the midst of the storm. It takes me tiring out, giving up, running ragged and realizing I haven't made any distance to get low enough to truly hear Him whisper these to my heart. Why don't I listen earlier?

There's a song on Jill Phillips' latest album called By a Thread where she talks about believing all these things but she can't get them down to her heart from her head. It seems like my life story. I want to be prepped and ready for trial, because I know God takes all those He loves through it in order to make them more like Him. I'm failing the small stuff. My biggest fear is that this unbelief will cut short His best being accomplished in my life. I want the whole package, but I'm not willing to accept my role in it...which is HE's God, He's in control, He loves me, and He knows the end. I don't have or know any of these things. But He's promised to hold me, love me, walk with me, never leave me, and bring me home. Now why can't I sit still?