Too Much To Post...

Dad and Lecia left today after being here for a few days. It was great. I got to show them my life here and experience a little luxury at the same time. We took an overnight trip to Seattle and went whale-watching up around the San Juan Islands. It was very neat. I love both my huge families, but I must say there's something so rich about spending time with just the parentals. I don't ever wish I was an only child (seriously, my sibs are awesome), but visits from both parent couples have been unique and priceless.

Being with people who know you that well can be a little grounding. I had forgotten what it's like not to be able to control what people perceive about you. Maybe THAT'S what I really enjoy so much about new-ness...the naivety. I hope I'm wrong, but it was a rude awakening when Dad and Lecia were sometimes able to call me out about different things I'm not so happy with about my life right now. It was refreshing.

And now I have the responsibility of addressing my issues. I thought I could live around them...pretend they weren't there...deal with things until I had something else to replace them.

But there's a bigger draw going on here. If my earthly father who loves me more than I may ever know is concerned about me and wants me to be happy, how much more does the Father Who thought of me and orchestrated my design before I was a zygote want those same things for me? Why do I assume that God always wants me to be better and to grow and to improve? Why do I think that it's only through trial, punishment, and poverty that God proves Himself near? I've been selling Him so short. I've bought into Satan's lies about Who God is and what He feels towards me.

THAT is true poverty.

One of the those days...

the great ones...the ones that remind you why you do what you do. I was performing my typical duties as a clinical pharmacist in the small community hospital where I've been on rotation, but things were different today. I spent most of the morning back at Tacoma General doing some education for nursing residents about what pharmacy does, how we can help them, etc. I enjoyed that. You can picture it: large room, ~80 people in the seats, Callie and I presenting/turfing questions. I love it.

This afternoon I went to counsel an elderly woman about starting coumadin, a blood thinner that is prescribed often but can cause serious adverse effects if not taken correctly. And she was concerned. She reminded me a little of my Nanny, and so I immediately empathized. She even started sounding like my Nanny when she began to compliment me on my knowledge and degree. When the conversation turned back to the medication, the look on her face betrayed her dread. So I held her hand and did my best to console her. I left her room knowing I had made a difference.

After that, I got to make 3 different interventions (which translates as I hunted 3 different nurses to address current patient problems that were not currently being treated). I love it. This is that day. I made a difference. I love my job.

I find myself a little melancholic tonight. I should be in bed, but I just bowled myself a nice thumb blister (6 games and we didn't start until 8). My weekends are getting better. I almost dreaded this one because I don't feel like I've met enough people to make enough plans to look forward to the time away from work. I know that sounds sad. I don't get all the way to that point in my thoughts often, but it does happen. But it was surprisingly good. Not too much downtime.

Caught up with some peeps. Prepped Jada for the start of her pharmacy career tomorrow. Did a little bit of research since Dad and Lecia will be here next Saturday. I'm excited to see them and looking for options for tourist plans.

On a heavier note (people don't usually make this transition and preface it with that), it's been a bit bleak emotionally. I was once again given a couple of examples that further proved my current theory about boys not being so bright (not exactly the phrase my girls and I use, but ya know). I wish people would stop providing evidence. I believe it already! Seriously, guys, you don't have to convince me. I understand that many of you are oblivious to your responsibility concerning any girl's heart, but I'm still tired of seeing girls get heart. Regardless of who's to blame. Wake up. Look around. If you're beautiful and a flirt, do you really think SHE thinks y'all are just buddies? Is that what helps you sleep at night? Ugh. Two words for ya: MAN UP!

I'm stepping down off that soapbox now. I still believe there will be one to prove me wrong. And I only need one to prove me wrong. Just one to dissolve the bitterness. Well, one for me and one for each of my girls as well. So maybe a few are needed here.

I've also done more self-evaluation this weekend. I found some not-so-great things. I'll address that later. It feels a little too heavy to drop as an add-on in a post. Maybe it deserves its own space. More to come...

So here's a little bit more of what I'm learning right now. I won't promise that it is directly related to my last post, but it's what I want to talk about today, so there's your explanation. Hope it suffices.

I've been desperate to grow recently, just really wanting God to move me forward, let me see a breakthrough, allow me to feel the ascent to the next plateau. Instead, it seems my desire to proceed has been accompanied by deeper conviction, hightened awareness of my sin, disgust for such sin, and frustration that I seem bound by it. It's dead-on what Paul talk about in Romans 7. Forgive my crude reference, but one of my old roommates used to call it "the do-do verses", where he says he does what he doesn't want to do, and it's really not him that is doing it but the sin that lives in him? Sound familiar? Coming back to you? Well, he nailed it. Seriously, the exact areas of sin that I've been praying for deliverance from are the exact ones that plague me most frequently. And please forgive me for sounding like a victim. That's not Biblical. I just mean that I have not grasped and used the power of Christ in my life in these areas yet. I'm allowing myself to stay bound.

I do believe part of this dilemma can be credited to spiritual warfare. I believe the Father of Lies is just as active and keen as ever, and he should be intimidated at what Christ can do with a life submitted. Part of my prayer is to be more aware of its presence around me and to be equipped for battle.

The second thing just came in an email this morning. Moses Caesar, one of my former pastors and bosses, sends out a weekly email of encouragement on Monday. (You can sign up by emailing him at moses@mosesbook.com) He spoke about trust and contentment and made the point that they are the same. The areas that you have entrusted to God are the areas in which you will experience contentment. The trusting servant needs nothing. It's very exposing. So the restlessness that waxes and wanes should clue me in that I'm struggling with a trust issue not a void that can be fixed with a gift or blessing. Imagine that, me with a trust issue. lol.

That's all I have for now. I hope it makes you think as it has me.

I've been wanting to post about something with depth for a while. It was not my initial intent for this blog to be an online diary as much as a platform upon which I could share Truth that I was learning, contemplations, and struggles that might encourage another in their journey. Otherwise, I would just jot all this down in a journal somewhere. I must say, I don't have a huge epiphany to relay or some large experience to discuss. I just want to talk a little about something besides facts about my day.

Self perception. That's an enigma to me. It changes all the time. It shouldn't, necessarily, based on who I am in Christ and who He declares me to be. Since He doesn't change, HIs Truth doesn't change, and therefore my image and worth doesn't change. However, MY perception of me does. It seems I learn more about myself all the time. I think it's helpful, but more than that, I think it's a bit self-absorbed. I was talking to a friend in our prayer group on Thursday night who is a single mom. Thinking about herself is most definitely a luxury. Not one she gets to experience often. I have understood that; I figured as soon as I become a wife and a mom, this luxury of introspection would no longer be afforded by me. But I think it should start sooner. I mean, go away sooner.

I have to get ready for work. There will be more on this later.