I am a control freak.

There.  I said it.  It ain't news, and it's not that rare among strong-willed, mildly capable women.  But it is probably one of the two biggest barriers to me loving someone well.  It's also a barrier to me being fully obedient to God, which Jesus actually equates with loving Him, so maybe just one issue at hand here.  But man, what a whopper!  So step 1: Recognition and Acknowledgement.  Check.  Step 2: Figure out where it starts and rip it out by the roots.  Oy.

I thought about my resources and how far I'd have to go back.  So where did I turn?  Well, mom, of course.  Her response?  "Well, honey, you've always been bossy.  Some kids are just like that."  Nice.  That's perfect.  I was Type A (but lacking the usually accompanying organizational skills) from the womb....Perfect.  Well, that route was a short one and perhaps a dead end.

And I still have no idea how to get to the true background or root of it all.  But what I do know is this: my fake sense of control and need for it means I lack faith.  It means I'm unaware that my "control" is actually a façade, and I have absolutely no clue how dependent I am on the sovereign God Who loves me and provides breath for me so that I can 1. be in relationship with Him and 2. reflect His glory. 

So I'm praying for faith, and trying to battle the thoughts of desperation that make me clench things within my fists of my heart with Truth from God's Word.  Basically, all of Matthew 6 where He talks about the lilies of the field and how beautiful they are.  He speaks about how God provides for them but cares infinitely more for us, so why would we not be cared for?  It's a logical progression.  I want to love Him more.  I want to understand more about His love for me.  Then, faith's not that much of a stretch.  Who wouldn't want to let go and lean into an extravagant, radical, completing love like THAT?

I'm warning you...

They're going to come at you via rapid fire.  That's just what I'm feeling tonight.  My friend Natalie always dogs me for not blogging more, and I want to.  There are things that I think and want to share, but I either don't take the time or decide it's not blog-appropriate.  So here's the quick run-through:

• God is blowing my mind with how He's stretching my faith.  Those of you who really know me know how long I've wanted to be in a relationship.  And now I am.  And there is more fear in my heart about loving well and being loved than there was about being alone.  Oy!  Who saw that one coming?  
• I want to somehow start a makeup ministry.  I know that sounds weird, but I keep getting opportunities to help my girlfriends get started in celebrating womanhood through cometics and makeup techniques.  I love this stuff!  There has to be a way it can turn into something of eternal value.  Yeah?  Why can't I use one means of influence for another?
• I am right-brained.  No, for real, I'm talking way right-brained.  I like black and white and staying in the lines so much that my counselor assigned me the homework of doing a watercolor!  She wants me to see the colors blend and mix and make beauty from chaos.  It gives me a furrowed brow even considering STARTING such a task since I have no vision as to where to go or how to get there.  I have no artistic vision or creativity in this type of scenario.  I bought the supplies today.  I'll let you know how that goes.
• This was the worst one: It takes absolute heart crisis for me to set aside time and energy to truly seek God's face in prayer.  I'm serious.  This week I've been at the edge of sanity a couple of times, and I've never prayed harder or listened more closely in prayer.  I love that I'm learning it, and I love how accessible God seems when I get quiet enough to meet with Him.  Man, why have I not been doing this for decades?!  Seriously?!  
• I've asked almost every married woman I've encountered in the past week why she picked him.  I'm too old to be naive enough to just fall in love, ride it out, and see what happens.  And what I realize is that it's actually a faith issue, not an age issue.  So I'm growing in that- well, in both, I guess.  
• I hyperfocus on things that bring me joy...so much so that I fall apart anytime they waiver.  People are imperfect, so when I put that pressure on people, my sin wave (warning: geometry term!) of emotion has some dramatic peaks and troughs.  I would like with all my heart to have my source of joy anchored in the One and only God who is unchanging.  The One who is Immutable.  The One who saw my today before I was even a thought (Psalm 139:16).

I would like to be consistent at resting in the Hands of a loving God who is constantly working in me to make me holy (Phil. 1:6), is working things for good in my life (Rom. 8:28), and who rewards those who earnestly seek Him (Heb. 11:6).  THAT's where I want to live.  

And that's what's been going on.  I realize tonight that maybe I'm not a ministry blogger.  I'm aware that this post and many others are self-indulgent and much like putting my thoughts on a billboard.  But I figure if there are things God is teaching me, maybe it will benefit someone else to hear them.  If not, well, then, you're all responsible for holding me accountable.  I'll become a writer for ministry later in life.  Or maybe I won't.  I'm not running this show.  You'll have to take that up with Him.  ;)