Discomfort
I guess that's the most appropriate term. I don't ever know what to expect. At different points in life, I begin to think "I thought I would get this by now. Why do I still feel ill-prepared? Why do I keep coming to the same points over the same issues? Why do I end up feeling the same way?" In college, during what I consider one of my greenest times spiritually, I often felt alone. I felt like no one else in the world understood what I was going through. And at the time, I always felt like it was God preparing for a life called out, one set apart. I felt He was equipping me for what He had called me to. And at the time I was sensitive enough to the Spirit, and my faith muscle was conditioned enough to lean on Him and let Him be more than enough to get me through it.
At many points I've been able to stand on the thought of me and God for the long haul. I'll be fine because it's Him writing my story, and He hasn't left me to live it blind or alone. But I think over the years I fell under the deception that things would be different when I got older or after I hit these certain milestones. I've made a ton of friends over the years. And not just people being nice to me: I'm talking people in the trenches with me. Living LIFE together. Sometimes they've had to drag me through when I couldn't see to the other side of my obstacles. Great friends. But I still come back to this place: the feeling that I am alone. It's just my story that God is writing. He hasn't made anyone a consistent player in this production. Please don't misunderstand me: my family is amazing. They are ALWAYS there and willing to offer love, prayer, and support. But it's different. I can't live with them. That's not adulthood. And my amazing friends (my old skool college friends) are scattered across the globe. Communication is hard.
All this comes up as I transition to the next step. No more school. No more tests. No more projects or assignments. It's over. I have no next box to check, no hurdle to jump. I have a stable job, and I'm considering purchasing property. And it scares me to death. I think the answer will come in the form of response to this question: Is how I feel independent of my immediate circumstance or is it there to spur me on to my next step?
