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I couldn't begin to think of something to concisely describe or even lead into what I'm about to say...mainly because I don't know what's coming out.  So much has happened...so much.

Lots of great things have...and only a couple of negatives.  The GOOD:  Through increased interaction via KidReach (our church tutoring ministry) and kickball (yep, such a romantic sport), I got to see different pieces - unexpected ones - of a guy I've known for 3 years now, and I concluded that I should try to keep him as mine.  Ok, those of you who know me, you can go ahead and include weeks of overthinking, hyperanalyzing, and massive consultation with various believers I respect and trust.  ;)  Because, well, you know me.

The EVEN BETTER is that through this process of getting know another heart and letting him see mine, God has done some significant healing and eradication of fear and negative expectation.  I'm not placing future expectation on our relationship, I'm just saying that meeting a man who is genuine, humble, emotionally secure, considerate, AND beautiful was quite a nice surprise.  It blew holes in many of my longstanding theories.  And I was happy to let it!

More GOOD: Dad, Lecia, Daron, and Kellen trucked it up here for our last family vacay before Daron and Ryan's wedding (in two weeks!) the first part of June.  We brought Kyle on a beautiful hike over Rattlesnake Ledge before heading to Vancouver to check out the sights.  It was a great time building sweet memories (like ziplining at 60 mph!), and it was probably one of our best vacations as a family so far.

Still more GOOD: Toward the end of June, I was able to head to Florida to the beach with Mom, Lee, Jada, Payten, and Jacob (Jada's boyfriend- now fiancee).  I love the Gulf Coast.  I'm super-white, I burn easy, and yet I can't get enough of just sitting contently in a chair under an umbrella on the beach with my family.  It's the best.  Well, that, and the fact that we go out to eat every night at amazing restaurants, go shopping at one of my favorite outlet malls, and enjoy the warm, balmy night weather down there.

The TOUGH:  Then Kyle moved to Germany for 13 months (at least).  This was his plan from before we started hanging out, so it wasn't a surprise.  But that didn't make it any less hard to see him go.  I just don't date that much...ever.  And I found someone I really want to risk on.  And then I don't get to have him...here, anyway.  Praise the Lord for Skype.  No, I'm serious.  It allows me to not only hear him, but to see his pretty face at the same time.

The CRAPPY:   I came home from work Tuesday of this week, turned my key in the front door, and saw a teenage girl running across my living room toward my back door.  At first, I racked my brain trying to figure out why she would be there, and then it hit me: she shouldn't be.  So I ran around the house to try to catch her.  I saw her run into the alley behind my street, and chased her from about 10 yards behind until I realized there was no chance.  And then the worst hit me: She had my laptop.  I saw the purple flash over her shoulder, and my worst fear was confirmed.  How was I going to Skype with Kyle?  How would we ever make this long-distance thing?  What about my music?  My pictures?  My life?  As I was calling 911, I cased the neighborhood twice in my car, asking everyone I saw if they had seen her.  Twenty-five minutes later, the cops showed up.  Then my pastor did.  Then Kyle's mom called to tell me she was bringing me her laptop to use in the interim.  In the midst of trial, I can clearly see I'm blessed.  The forensics people came out and dusted.  The girl had taken the screen off and climbed in a cracked window at the back of my house...in broad daylight...around 4pm.   No news.  I don't expect to ever get it back.  I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do until I can buy a new computer.  My home insurance deductible doesn't make it worth it to file a claim.

The LESSON:  I've never been more aware of the lack of control I have in life.  Part of that is a victory from the counseling I started back at the end of March.  And it was one of the main pieces of advice Dr. Gregory gave me in dealing with Kyle leaving.  Grasping for glimpses of my future is the most desperate attempt to NOT have to trust in God.  And so far, the area I have the least experience in trusting God in is letting another person into the romantic parts of my heart.  I've just been so wounded, regretful, and deflated in my past experiences.

More about CONTROL:  I only get to decide how I react to opportunities.  And they're all opportunities, whether seemingly good or bad.  They're opportunities for God to show me more about Who He is, how He loves me, and what He's created me for.  And even bigger, to show me what His greater picture is about, and THAT has very little to do with me.  It's about perspective, and I want mine to change.

I turned 28 recently, and with every new year of life, I hit a process of evaluation: what have I built, what am I missing, what should I aspire to in the next few years of life.  It can be a strenuous evaluation.  I will be the first (and certainly not the last) to tell you that I'm not the most accurate at self-evaluation.  And here's where I get to grow.  It's not in my control.  My OWN life process of growth and becoming more like Christ (Phil. 1:6) is NOT UP TO ME.  Do I have a responsibility to pursue Christ and die to self and take up my cross daily?  For sure.  But how God allows that to materialize in my life is not of my choosing.  So I'm asked to REST and TRUST.  Geesh.  That lesson doesn't get easier, it just changes shape.