Prov. 3:5-6

Oh, how I love this passage. I really do. And I believe it. I believe we have a simple and direct promise hidden there...most of the time.

Most of the time I buy this. Most of the time I will bank my hopes and dreams on this. But not always. This was made painfully clear to me by a friend this week. And wow, am I thankful. And I'm embarassed. I should be.

For some reason, I have always been a keen observer of relationships between girls and guys. Even before I even had any experience to speak from, I could read the situations relatively well for my friends in order to offer valid and applicable advice. My aptitude for observation and drawing relationships of behavior (like a true science mind) bode well for my study. I learned a lot, and I think my true motive was ultimately self-preservation. In high school, it was my number one goal to not be "that girl", the girl that looked stupid for going back to the egotistical guy that had cheated on her and lied about it time and time again. Logically, I knew high school relationships weren't likely to be life-long, so why were these girls so open to giving second chances? Life's too short for that. And I couldn't believe self-respect would look like that.

Anyway, I'll spare you the long path of revised observations I've traveled since then. Maybe there'll be podcasts to come on each of those chapters. ;) There are a couple of pieces or theories that I've carried with me all this way that are now a source of strife. Those are what I want to get out here (and hopefully out of my knapsack on this journey).

One of them comes from about 10-14 years of age. I remember thinking that if I wasn't married by 26, I was a total failure. I figured I better hang up all hope at that point. The plan was to have all my kids (and I want about 5) cranked out by 32. We'll see if I even get started by then. And here recently, I've noticed myself literally experiencing toned-down versions of the stages of grief. I literally have to put that dream to rest. It has to die. Put best by my friend and spiritual mentor Rob Weideman "You have to put your dreams to death. They have to die. Only then can God make something beautiful from the ashes." (I think I paraphrased that slightly, because my memory got blurry with both of us tearing up during this conversation...in the middle of a coffee shop.) About a month ago was the sadness phase, and a few weeks ago the anger phase set in. I could feel myself being hardened to romance, love, etc. I wanted Taylor Swift banned from the radio. I got nauseous during New Moon and wanted to correct the delusional Twilight characters. I think I even tried to be too realistic to my young high school friend and in turn almost dashed her hopes and dreams of every dude loving with the intensity of homeboy from the Notebook. (P.S. I have issues with that move as well.) So I've been praying for God to bring hope. I need renewal. He's the Author and Giver of all things that are good (James 1:17). I just keep praying for a good story.

Another part is that I was super-limited on how I thought this whole thing could go down. I'm still working on being more open-minded. But the most convicting part about all this came last night when I had a minor meltdown over a super-insignificant deal. And my faithful friend for years and years Casey asked me the right questions, the hard ones that left me without excuse. He pointed out the irony of my request: I want something to spring up organically with me in control and having figured out the situation the whole way through. Yeah, I know. Hilarious, right? But legit. That's what I want. I realized that the reason I spend so much time thinking and analyzing this area of my life is that it's the one I trust God the least with. BOOM. There was the gunshot. That was when my heart hit the floor. I don't trust Him. I am who Heb. 11:6 is talking about: "Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him." Wow.

I claim this in every other area. It's ridiculous how hypocritical I am about this. If God told me tomorrow to pick up and truck it to Africa, I think with some prayer and affirmation, I would GO. I truly believe that. I recently had a situation that tested my faith, and God changed my heart. I'm learning to trust Him with that as well. But THIS. This life desire and scientific pursuit? It's mind-blowing how much free time I would have and how much emotion wouldn't be wasted. What a great distraction from the Enemy. He's dang good at his job.

So there. I said it. I've confessed, and I'm repenting. I will learn to claim Heb. 11:6 AND Prov. 3:5-6 in all areas regarding my heart. Thanks for "listening".