Thanksgiving

Too easy of a pun. Recently I've explored different thoughts about me being so far (mostly geographically) from my family. I worry that other people or even my family will perceive that as family not being important to me...or that they'll assume I don't have a tight-knit family unit or that there's some drama causing emotional distance as well. But that's not it at all. Everyone has to follow God's plan for THEIR own life. I would love to be closer to family, but that would be the only advantage to moving back to the south. I feel so much purpose in my place here (in Tacoma). I love being in the most unchurched state of the US. I love people hopefully catching a glimpse of Christ in me (somewhere amidst the chaos).

On a temporal note, I like my job. I like Washington state and what it has to offer. It's beautiful here. I like the temperate climate. Sure, I could live with a few less days of rain, but I can't complain since we get perfect summers. And how do you get over getting to see majesty like Rainier on a regular basis? Really?

On an eternal note, I have community here unlike any I've experienced in a long, long time. I can think of having it at Union and with my girls back in Memphis. It looked a little different in both instances, but so did I. I'm in legit koinonia with 6 girls who are passionately pursuing Christ and spurring me on continuously to do the same. I'm in discipleship with a lady who loves Jesus as her Shepherd and has been walking this Road for a while as a mother of 4 and the wife of a church planter. (P.S. She also lives a couple thousand miles from her large family as well, and we've talked about how hard it gets sometimes.) I have a church family who loves with everything they have. We're growing and wrestling with sin and fighting on in the process of sanctification like the Bride of Christ.

So I know I'm where God wants me. I guess I feel guilty sometimes for enjoying being here...which sounds silly. But I think we chalk up the Christian walk to this life-long struggle of daily martyrdom - and don't get me wrong, it is- , and in many ways dying to self and taking up the Cross daily is ALWAYS a struggle. My point is: I don't think I should be surprised that where God has me fits how He's made me. It makes sense that living in the fullness of His plan for me would bring joy. And hopefully more times than not, I can echo the Apostle Paul in saying the joy that comes from knowing Him IS greater than anything else in this world.

But let me end by saying how thankful I am to have family that support me in my pursuit of God and His plan for me. Every time I've asked my mom if it bothers her that I won't be moving back to Huntingdon to have the 3 bedroom home, the husband, and the 2.3 kids, she's never hesitated to reiterate that she wants God's best for me and for me to be happy- nothing less. It's empowering and encouraging. And for THAT, I'm eternally grateful.

Recent Ramblings...

So I don't have any earth-shattering updates on life or learning, but I wanted to post some of the quotes that have sharpened my perception in the past few months.

We are not products of: gene pools, our impulses, our society, or our past. -sermon from Pastor Jon (but I added the "past" part)

Being dead to self means putting no conditions on me, which also means putting no conditions on others.
Forgiveness is supernatural.
"I can't give what I don't have" (referring to LOVE and GRACE)
-all these from Abby Santiago

Restraint sets us apart. (as Christians) -Traci Fredricks

The goal of eternal life is to SEE Jesus. But there are two obstacles to overcome:

1. My blindness apart from grace
2. The world is still in darkness.

Darkness in me is overcome by regeneration. Darkness in the world is overcome by reincarnation. The key to both is His glory through grace. Grace is the goal and the means. Grace transforms us from an advocate of a system to a witness of a reality.
-all from a sermon by John Piper

We died to the list of rules. We try to prove our sonship, but we're already there. Just BE. Sometimes there is nothing to obey. How would those around you characterize your Christianity? Do they think you live SO that God will accept you? Or BECAUSE God has accepted you? Don't look at hope and joy as indicators of the intensity of your faith.
-thoughts from different girls in my small group (Oh, how I love these girls and the time I get to spend with them in the Word)

I hope you are blessed and challenged with each of these as I am.

P.S.

After spending some time with super-stellar Traci Fredricks yesterday, I was left with a pricking thought. She asked me what God had been saying to me this week. I ended up somehow on one of my rants about an issue going on in my heart, and like the discerning woman that she is, she said (with a perfect preface) "You're going to want to hit me when I say this, but again, what is God saying to you this week?" After thinking through what my objectives have been in this valley (abiding), I realized I've been missing the point. I learned through the course of Experiencing God that His objective is NOT obedience. His first priority is my relationship with Him...that I KNOW Him more.

I've been trying to DO the right things for God. That's empty...and pointless. He wants ME to spend time with Him. If I'm squirming, if I'm sad, if I'm disappointed, if I'm elated, He wants to be there WITH me through those things. Talking with my friend Cham last night reminded me of this. He was describing this newness in His walk with Christ after God being WITH him through a really tough time, almost tangibly. I haven't been allowing God that opportunity.

So now I see (and hopefully I'll remember) that ABIDING is not OBEDIENCE. It's more than that. This Christian life is about a RELATIONSHIP with a PERSON, Who is Truth. My EG girls know that. The list of rules is religion. I ain't signing up for that. Now if I could just remember the difference between the two in my heart...

Abiding...

in the valley. It's new for me. I've talked a lot over the past few months about the pasture that I feel like God has been leading me through. It's been lush and green, and it represents such refreshing growth in my walk with Him. I knew that would be preparing me for other times of not-so-fun growth, and I was right. Being a "feeler" or a person of emotional intensity (does that make it sound cooler?), my highs are high and my lows are low. Very rarely am I hanging out consistently in the middle- apart from the transitions. If you're a math/trigonometry/algebra-type person, think of a sine wave as opposed to just the ol' x-axis. I'm a sine...wave.

So following this spurt of spiritual growth, I hit one of my usual downs. Now for me, this is a time of feeling kinda blah and lots of thought invested in why this cloud of blah settled over my heart. Usually I can pinpoint a number of possible causes without being able to fix or remove any of them. I sometimes get beat (by the Enemy) with the question of "Shouldn't God be enough that you never feel sad? If you really believed in the victory that salvation brings you, shouldn't that bring true joy to your heart despite anything that's going on right now?" I don't necessarily know the answer to those questions, but I know how I feel, and I know what I know about God and His Truth. I know that people in the Bible were legitimately sad. Read about Job. Read about Jesus! How we feel and who God is can both exist in our hearts if we have them in the right perspective.

I've talked to quite a few fellow believers about this concept over the past few days, and I've been really encouraged by their answers. Much of the responses involved what I just typed in the last paragraph. And honestly, I'm grateful for the opportunity to travel through one of these valleys with a better perspective. My normal approach is to check out for a few days (not get into the Word, slack off in prayer, and overall just retreat into introspection) until I come to a breaking point. But I will gladly leave behind this empty regimen that basically wastes a lot of Kingdom time and personal energy. So I'm trying to use this time to be still, to watch, to keep trusting. I'm still honest in prayer. I mean, God already knows how we feel anyway, right? So I trust in His power to change my heart. He renews my mind (Rom 12:2), and He is greater than our hearts (1 John 3:20). So I have hope. And hopefully I'm getting better at abiding.

Perception

...is a choice. We make it all the time. No one has the full picture because only God is omniscient. So the rest of us interpret our reality as best we can. This leaves Satan a lot of room to twist and deceive and distract us from God's Truth in our mind. Being on guard is hard, but we can't afford to succumb. It hurts. It causes us to miss out. And it can equip us to wrongfully damage others. So we step out in faith based on what we know from His Word instead. We let the peace that passes all understanding guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. We choose to believe His Word instead: about our worth, about our future, about our potential, and about our identity. We pray for His vision of our environment and those around us. It's hard to remember that we'll never see the whole picture and that our perspective on everything is quite limited. This word is for me. I've learned that the hard way this week. Some verses that have been valuable:

Phil. 4:8, James 1:19-20, Phil 2, Psalm 27, Psalm 131

Koinonia

This has been the theme of Experiencing God this week. Not coincidentally I have gotten to experience this in various forms this week. I met with Traci, our pastor's wife, and Pastor Rob, our small groups pastor, this week for various reasons. But in both situations, I came away encouraged, spurred on, and affirmed in my walk and where God has me. I constantly get that feeling at Discovery. Pretty much every Sunday morning I walk out to my car in the parking lot just puffed up after being with my church family.

And then the Enemy steps in. He knows exactly how. He uses what seems as small as a pin prick to rip open my insecurity. It starts with small wonderings of the mind. Little morsels that I begin to ponder until they turn into how I feel. I start doubting the quality of love in my life. It goes something like this: "Lauren, if they knew, if they really knew, they wouldn't see you like that." Or "Just wait, things are good now, because you're listening and trying to be obedient. But wait until you're wrong, or you get hurt and look stupid. All that positive perception will burst like a balloon."

There are many things wrong with this.

The first is identifying the true problem at the root of why this works on me. Going back to Rob's sermon on the progression of : what we do stems from how we feel, which stems from what we truly believe. So the reason that I feel insecure about how I'm perceived is because I believe people only love me if they think I'm good or entertaining or have something to offer them. It's the performance trap AND the approval addict if you've read Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. Whatever good people might see is not mine (Rom. 3:10). So whether I fail or succeed by whoever's standards, my worth never changes. Because He proclaims it in His Word, and He doesn't change (Heb. 13:8), neither does His Truth.

The second is that I'm cutting my church family at the knees if I limit their ability to love only happy people. I KNOW better. I've seen otherwise. These people love WELL and without judgment. So back off, Satan. You are clearly not invited.

This won't be the last time he draws me off track with this one. It's certainly not the first. I just want to get better at the battle. Reading Psalm 139 and whining to my mom pretty much whipped it, but still. How debilitating. There's too much I want to do and experience to be side-tracked with such nonsense. And besides, I have some serious koinonia to be a part of!

Exposed

You know how that feels during a time of growth where God's tinkering on your heart? Sometimes there's some demolition and reconstruction involved? And you just feel Him near. You know He's with you. You get that whole "walking with Him" sense throughout your day. I love that, but there's another part to it. It kinda draws you away from your immediate environment. It kinda makes you "not fit". I've kinda felt like that all weekend. I haven't been down or upset, but just like this place doesn't fit me very well. "This place" being life here and now.

Please don't get me wrong. I love my life. God has overwhelmingly blessed me with family, friends, a growing church, a job I like and feel a purpose in, and a beautiful place like Washington to live. It's not that. It's just when I'm in one of these growth spurts, I feel like my emotions are just below the skin. They're right on the edge for anyone to see and hopefully not damage. I had been looking forward to church this morning since Friday. After working this weekend, I just anticipated the opportunity to join with other believers that I know and love to experience God. And I did. The music was amazing. I teared up on more than one occasion.

In these states, it may not be visible to other people. And that would be great, actually. But I'm just softer, with my heart a little more exposed. It makes me a little hesitant to stand too close to someone, afraid they might get wild with their keys or something, and rupture a heartstring of mine. That was a bit of an exaggeration, but you know. I feel exposed.

Then I remember a couple of things: 1. Per the Bible, perfect love casts out fear. He loves me perfectly. There's NOTHING for me to be afraid of.

2. Per the wisdom of Kirstin Hawkins, to love IS to be vulnerable. And how vulnerable did and DOES God make Himself in loving us? He has nothing to gain. He just loves us. So I guess growth will look like living in that vulnerability with my heart out for the injuring without fear, trusting that with the reconstruction of it, my heart will grow stronger.

It's HIS Gig

It is. I've known that. But my heart forgets sometimes. I've been so caught up and excited about all the things God's been laying on the heart of my friends and myself. Then Satan tried to twist it to make nervous about getting it wrong. He started making me fearful of messing tasks up and experiencing total failure with any and all attempts at progress in these visions. THEN the other day God reminded me what Blackaby says in Experiencing God about the fact that God tells you what He's going to do. NOT what He wants you to do FOR Him. Get that? No tasks with boxes to check. That's just your invitation to join Him. Look, listen, watch. Not go, do, run...fast. We're the ones obsessed with efficiency and the NOW of capitalism. God doesn't work on that time frame. So we shouldn't feel pressured to. And we shouldn't live like He's going to start.

So I found rest this week. Or more like God gave it to me. I'm in process. Plus, like we (the girls) have realized over and over during this study: the end objective in God's heart isn't completed tasks, obedience, or accomplishment for the Kingdom. It's that I and others come to KNOW HIM better. It's about the relationship. No, this stuff isn't rocket science, but it's heart-lifting every time. And I have yet to stop needing to hear it.

Full

I feel that way. Not my schedule or my stomach, but my life...in a good way. I've been blown away by what God is doing in and around me over the past few weeks. It just keeps intensifying, and it's ridiculously exciting. And the coolest thing is, I'm not alone in the journey. Ever since Amanda, Erin, Kirstin, and I have started Experiencing God, this has been the norm: seeing God's activity.

And let me say this, it's clearly making Satan nervous. The Father of Lies has been present and in full effect in certain areas, picking at my (our) insecurities, planting doubt, and just doing his best to cause delay, disillusionment, or disobedience. "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come so that you may have life and have it to the fullest." John 10:10. Jesus wanted us to know the Truth. And the truth is that God wants to do some pretty monumental things in our lives over the next few months. Satan's scared, and he should be. But he wasn't invited to this party. And sad news: he already lost the battle. It doesn't end well for him. We just need to, as believers, get better at recognizing him and calling him out. The whole "when Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future". We have the power. We've been given it thorugh the Holy Spirit, not to mention the armor of God (Eph. 6:10).

So if God's working in your life and you see He's about to do big things, as one of my new favorite sayings goes, "Gird up your loins". Call that kid out. I figure it's okay to insult the Devil.

But fight for what is good, like Paul talked about. Hold tight to the love promises of your Lord. My prayer is that He continually equip us for battle. It's already going on. Being close to and growing in Him means more involvement in the war. So we need to be ready, and there's no need or room for fear.

I'm excited. I'll keep you "posted".

It's JUST Obedience

The Experiencing God lesson today talked about how God reveals to us what He's going to do, not what He wants us to do for Him. Interestingly enough, Jada (my sister in Memphis in pharmacy school) called last night and we talked about a sermon she had just heard about how God doesn't need us. He will accomplish His purposes regardless of whether we say yes to Him or not. It is our greatest joy to take part. I don't want to diminish in any way the fact that He loves us and passionately pursues us, but we need to make clear that He does that FOR OUR GOOD. Not because He's a weak, needy lover like what we see portrayed in movies and literature. His Name WILL be made great...one way or another.

Now back to my original direction with this...it seems like our ticket to involvement in what God's doing in this world is faith. The more tickets we have, the more we get to take part in. Faith seems scary to us because it is, in fact, trusting in things unseen. But hear me now, faith is NOT trusting in our ability to be obedient. Did you get that? We are NOT trusting in our ability to get it right. We are trusting in the sovereign Creator of the universe that started this thing and is intricately involved in holding it all together (Col. 1:17). Another point that Henry Blackaby makes earlier on is that how we respond when God invites us to join in His work says more about what we believe about God than it does anything else. Read that sentence a couple of times until it sinks in. Sure, there's a reflex reaction to doubt self. But He wasn't depending on us. So we shouldn't be. He knows what He's going to do. Get that? Going to do. He is so gracious to ask us to join Him in the work. And THAT'S where our joy is found.

Father, forgive our self-dependence. Forgive our American dream of working hard enough to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. Forgive our Oprah-mentality of self-help and inner strength. Forgive our incredible blindness and failure to hope in an omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent God who loves us more than we can know. Forgive us for denying Who You are. Remind us of Your power. Show us the difference between what we dream of doing for You and what YOU want to do in and through us.

Remind us that faith is safe in an all=powerful God. It WILL come to fruition in our lives. Do not let our focus and our goal be in the production of fruit, but in growing deeper and falling more headlong in love with our Father who has loved us from the beginning. So grow our faith to pray for, expect, and see God-sized activity in our lives. I'm tired of mediocre.

Remind us that when we say yes, and You begin to do God-sized things, it won't be due at all to any good in us or any gifts we have to offer. It's just obedience.

Not to diverge too much, but Dietrich Bonhoeffer explains in Cost of Discipleship about how to reconcile Jesus's commands in the Sermon on the Mount about not letting the right hand know what the left is doing (Matt. 6) and then letting your light shine before men (Matt. 5:16). Seems contradictory, right? The gist is Christ is the plumbline. We don't measure up. Anything we do in obedience to Him (which will produce things that only God can do in a life) is just that: obedience. But to a lost world depending only on the ability of man, they WILL seem extraordinary. So it's fine to "Go big, or go home." Just make sure everyone knows Who was and will always be responsible for it. We're just doing what we've been told (and it's awesome to be a part), and that's JUST obedience.

God is good...

ALL THE TIME. You know where I'm going with this... I was with my girls (E-Randle, A-Graves, and Kirst) having our Bible study time at Origin 23, and I was going through a timeline of spiritual markers in my life. Part of our assignment this week was to document times where God has spoken His will or made clear His purpose for us in ministry. As I was sharing mine, Amanda keeps looking over my head with this look of fear on her face. Finally, I stopped to ask what was wrong, and she explained that the college and singles minister for one of the local churches was standing right behind me, partially listening in as I explained that the common themes in God's calling on my life had been evangelism, discipleship, and community.

The rest of the story is that for a couple of weeks now I have had this idea on my heart for a regional gathering of young adults (singles). Most of the people I know here go to smaller churches that just don't have enough people or resources to facilitate a ministry focused on the needs of this group. In Memphis and Nashville we had multiple options for such a gathering (e.g. The Loop, Metro, Kairos, etc.). So why not get a group of people that I already know together for music, a message, and tons of fellowship for the edification of believers from college to mid-30s? I mentioned it to Rob, our small group pastor at Discovery. His response: Sounds great! Go for it. Not exactly what I expected (or wanted) to hear. So the more I've prayed, the more God has ignited this flame in me for this to come to fruition. Not only that, but my girls here have said they were in. Whatever God led us to, they would help. Since then I've been praying, looking, listening, and waiting expectantly for the next step.

After she tells me who this guy is and that he was almost trying to hear my conversation, my heart started racing. I didn't know what to do or what this meant. So I asked the girls to pray as I submitted the whole situation to God. After "amen" I went over to the group (he was meeting with the worship leader and another guy) to introduce myself and kinda share my vision. I got his email address, and it was done. He sounded excited, and I emailed him this morning. How crazy is that?

Why is it that I still get so surprised that God will work out His purposes? Maybe the real surprise (and sublime) part is that He calls us to be part of the plan!

Identity

This was the topic of Pastor Rob's sermon today (or yesterday) at church. He started a two-part series on singleness. A group of us actually did a little skit to help kick things off (written and directed by my dear friend Erin Randle, the lyrical wordsmith). We all went over to his house earlier this week to discuss issues that we single people frequently encounter. It (and the skit) was funny to go over all the phrases single people have thrown at them. Here were some of the examples:

1. You'll find him (or her) as soon you stop looking and/or when you least expect it. Do you have a 12-step program to get someone to "not looking" or "least expecting"? What about us observant folks? Are we just ruled out forever? And what does that even mean or imply? I don't (nor do any of my friends) sit around and pine for some person to complete my life.
2. Are you dating anyone? Do you have a boyfriend? Why not? Don't even get me started on this one. How do I begin to address this? The obligatory courtesy laugh usually ensues.
3. Maybe there's something God has for you to do before then. Where are you not plugged in? This is where I feel like building a resume would be most appropriate, documenting all my "spiritual activity" like some scoreboard that proves my eligibility as a member of a godly dating relationship.
4. Just keep running the race on the path God has for you. Eventually you'll look to the left or right and see someone running right beside you. Then you just link up to run the race together. While this is a beautiful picture of how a love story God writes might go, it's kinda silly. Most of the single people I know ARE running the race the best way we know how. It's not like we've stopped, sat down for a second, and decided to scavenge our immediate surroundings for any and all possible dating prospects. Most of us are doing the dang thing. And enjoying it as we go!
5. Maybe your expectations are too high. You should ease up on guys. Expecting a boy to love Jesus before I would date him is NOT an excessive expectation. It's sensible. It saves him money and both of us time in the grand scheme of things. If we don't have the most basic part of my life in common, then where would we even start? I'm not willing to chase that rabbit. Waste of time.

Things are really good right now. I can't remember a time when my life felt this full. Now that I've been able to shank the school/residency monkey-on-your-back syndrome, my life is MINE again. I'm in an amazing Bible study with 3 girls who love Jesus and love me. I'm plugged in to a beautiful little church full of people fully-devoted to encountering God and equipping others to do the same. I really like my job and the people that I work with. I get true fulfillment by using my education/training to help others to the best of my ability. And more than all these things, God has shown Himself to be active in my life. He's inspiring my heart for new ministries; He's linking it with others to walk this journey with; and He's drawing me to know Him more.

So for this season, I am eternally grateful. I know I will look back and see this is as a fruitful, sweet time in my life. I praise God for showing this to me in the midst of it.

Square Pegs

...in round holes. Frequently used phrase, I know. I think of Jill Philip's album every time I hear it. But it's the best cliche to describe how I feel in this recent phase of growth/life/whatever you want to call this process of sanctification. I'm a redeemed soul built for glory submerged in this fallen world. And it feels like that. Nothing fits. I don't fit. Please note at this point that my redemption/salvation/justification was and is due to no merit of my own. That's clear. (Eph. 2:8-9, Romans 3:10) I'm not saying, "Woe is me because I'm better than my environment".

But I don't fit here. And I don't think I'm supposed to. There are times where this life feels better than other times, but as I'm going through this Experiencing God study with my girls, I'm really having to wrestle through some Truths. I went into it expecting God to just show up and make my heart light after the first week. Well, that specific event hasn't happened yet. I know He's at work. He's been at work (Phil. 1:6) ; that's what this whole study is about.

Here recently the focus has been on my personal relationship with Him. That's a tough one. It has honed in on the basics: He LOVES me. He asks me to LOVE Him back. It's that simple. So why is that the hardest part? Why do I think in my heart that His love is no better than mine? Why do I struggle trusting Him, as if everything's not in His hands to begin with (Col. 1:17)? Why do I hesitate to hand Him the hope of my heart?

Honestly, I'm a little gun-shy. My hope constantly disappoints. But why? Oh, that's because I've placed it in events, or people, or changes, or results, or control. Why does my heart not understand that He's the only safe place for my hope, for my heart?

Because, let's be honest, I'm not going to be cheerleader-happy very consistently on this earth. And I'm learning just today that what He asks me to do is not "be happy", but rest in the discontentment. Rest in the knowing that He IS Who He says He is. He will do what He said He will do. THAT, and that alone, is the only safe, secure place for my hope. It's the only place my heart fits.

Random Musings...

I had an exciting day at work. I got to be the primary pharmacist on a code (which means somebody wasn't doing well at all), and despite the horridness of the situation, it was a rush. As a healthcare worker, sometimes the worst situations for others are the most shaping for your career. I had two residents and a technician helping out and looking on, and I was actually just charged (in a positive way) by the whole crisis situation. I seem to flourish under high-pressure, crunch-type situations. So despite the underlying cause, I appreciated the experience.

And then two things made me laugh at myself today:

1. I was talking to a 21-year-old who's about to hit 22 at the gym today, and he was complaining about it. You know I wasn't going to let him have all the glory, so I made a topping reference to my own age (which he already knew). And his follow-up comment? "But you're well-preserved!". REALLY? If someone uses a phrase like "well-preserved", doesn't that automatically mean you're old? Seriously?
2. I had a blast tonight. I did something that made my heart happy. I used my new Hoover vacuum cleaner in my apartment. It's just nice for ONCE to have your expectations exceeded. Well, my trusty new Hoover came through for a girl. And I'm content about it.

That's all. Britt and Caleb come to visit tomorrow! Who's excited? Pick me!

Right as Rain

That was today. Today the rain was just...right. It was my day off for this week. I work through Sunday. Not much to look forward to. But the rain was somehow refreshing. I didn't really want the sun with its pressure to be outside making good use of the day. I wanted the slowness, the okay to feel a little dreary that a rainy day brings. It was ironically uplifting.

I've started "Experiencing God", the Bible study, with three bombin' girls from my church, and it's been really good. Just deep, gut-checking, faith-pushing, good. We meet in a coffee shop, but that hasn't barred the tears when they were looming. We're only in the first few units of the study, but God is already pushing me to hard places. He's calling me out on a lot of things and calling me to follow Him out on different ledges of faith. It's been a while since He interrupted my life so blatantly. It's uncomfortable. I'm overarchingly thankful for it, but squirmy through part of the process.

But I heart these girls. More so every week. It's amazing how we each can see how God wants the other to let Him love her. Two of the girls gave me "You are Special" by Max Lucado for my birthday. I read it last night for the first time and teared up. When the puppet realizes that the only thing that matters is what the Creator thinks, he's free. He's whole. I want that. Consistently. All the time. Just because God spoke it. I want that to be enough for my heart to hope in. About everything.

I'm enjoying the process...as much as you can in the midst of discomfort. We talked about that...lots of uncomfortable-ness. lol. That was a time of laughing. But overall, I expect to experience God. I expect to know Him more and trust His heart with all of mine. I'll keep you posted.

Amazing story

If you went to Union, do you remember Amber Donovan, April Donovan's older sister? You probably also know that she was married and that she and her husband were missionaries overseas. They had just adopted their second child from overseas when she was killed in a car crash on the way to pick her husband up from the airport. Here's an interesting article about one of the fruits from her life:

Check it out here.

30 SIDE OF 20

It's coming for me on Sunday. The big 26. Originally I wasn't looking forward to this one. I mean, 25's the year, right? It's the time of your life, right? Well, it was a good year for me, true. Lots of transition, growth, and newness. No regrets.

I have a new home in a new state, a career I enjoy and am proud of, and a great community here to do life with. I love my church home, my coworkers, and my friends here.

More than ever, I'm grateful for the amazing family members and friends from life pre-Washington. I'm more comfortable being me than ever before.

So yeah, bring on 26. It's gonna be the best year yet!

Discomfort

I guess that's the most appropriate term. I don't ever know what to expect. At different points in life, I begin to think "I thought I would get this by now. Why do I still feel ill-prepared? Why do I keep coming to the same points over the same issues? Why do I end up feeling the same way?" In college, during what I consider one of my greenest times spiritually, I often felt alone. I felt like no one else in the world understood what I was going through. And at the time, I always felt like it was God preparing for a life called out, one set apart. I felt He was equipping me for what He had called me to. And at the time I was sensitive enough to the Spirit, and my faith muscle was conditioned enough to lean on Him and let Him be more than enough to get me through it.

At many points I've been able to stand on the thought of me and God for the long haul. I'll be fine because it's Him writing my story, and He hasn't left me to live it blind or alone. But I think over the years I fell under the deception that things would be different when I got older or after I hit these certain milestones. I've made a ton of friends over the years. And not just people being nice to me: I'm talking people in the trenches with me. Living LIFE together. Sometimes they've had to drag me through when I couldn't see to the other side of my obstacles. Great friends. But I still come back to this place: the feeling that I am alone. It's just my story that God is writing. He hasn't made anyone a consistent player in this production. Please don't misunderstand me: my family is amazing. They are ALWAYS there and willing to offer love, prayer, and support. But it's different. I can't live with them. That's not adulthood. And my amazing friends (my old skool college friends) are scattered across the globe. Communication is hard.

All this comes up as I transition to the next step. No more school. No more tests. No more projects or assignments. It's over. I have no next box to check, no hurdle to jump. I have a stable job, and I'm considering purchasing property. And it scares me to death. I think the answer will come in the form of response to this question: Is how I feel independent of my immediate circumstance or is it there to spur me on to my next step?

Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet

My new anthem. This girl's phenomenal.

Vessels

Not the bloody kind. But I received some great insight from a friend who's learning about being one, and I wanted to share her thoughts. I hope you are as challenged and encouraged as I was by them.

"1 Corinthians 3:5 says "What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants through whom you came to believe - as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who makes things grow."

We are pushed from Day one to be someone, to fill a role and to have success and accomplishments, to make a name for ourselves as our culture dictates. We put so much emphasis on forming this individual identity that we believe it actually matters, when the reality is that while those things can be good they are secondary to being used by Christ. It really hit me that Paul refers to himself as a what, the same greek word used for objects because that's what we are, we're vessels - of God's love and grace and mercy, a testament to His name. And apart from that, we're nothing.

Every creation was formed to give glory to God, to praise the works of His hands and we are simply another creation to be used for the same end. To start thinking of ourselves as a what instead of a who takes away the need we've created for this individual identity and allows us to simply be useful. Like the potter and the clay - the clay finds its identity in what the potter is doing with it - there's no value in the clay itself, even if it's expensive or rare or beautiful. If it is not used, it's worth nothing. The value and the purpose comes in the potter crafting the clay for a specific use and the clay fulfilling that. We are merely vessels, unformed clay - and without Him using us, we could accomplish nothing.

A friend recently told me that marriage is not about our happiness but about our sanctification and looking more like Christ. I think that's true for every area of our lives. I have such a tendency to think my desires are genuinely of consequence. And they're not. He controls those desires and puts them there for a purpose, but my view of what the outcome will be is not always the same as His because it's not that we have desires and God fulfills them, but rather that He gives us desires to guide us to a specific direction, and to make us content in His placement. Ultimately my happiness is secondary to my usefulness in bringing Him glory. That's why I can't find my identity in being a paramedic or a wife or anything else aside from the task He has given me, which is to trust Him, to follow Him above all else, and to be a vessel for His use.

There's this line in a Rascal Flatts song that says "I drive myself crazy trying to stay out of my own way" I feel like that defines my life. By thinking it mattered who I am or what I accomplished or anything else, it took my focus off Christ and continuously got me in trouble. I trust His purpose, and know that He can and will and wants to use this life to bring Him glory. I just have to stay out of the way, quit thinking I have any right to figure things out, quit acting like my desires are of any relevance, and to allow myself to be useful."

I love my friends! I'm thankful that God has blessed me with so many that challenge me to know Jesus more.