Farewell, my dear Kingsport...

It was a great month. I loved the people: in the clinic, the patients, the community, the church-folk. And of course, Clara was a bombin' roommate. We fit really well. It was great to spend time with and cut up with ol' Ben Gross...I'm sorry, Dr. Ben Gross. You may remember him as my big brother in ASP (the president before me). He's doing really well there, and the site is just phenomenal.

Dr. Cross is great, as always. Such a pioneer in the profession. This guy's the diabetes guru. With him, Dr. Wood, Dr. Foard, and Kim, you're bound to get your "sugar" under control...assuming you listen to them. lol. That definitely can't be assumed...patient compliance.



The scenery's pretty up in East TN. I expected it to be. Weather's a little easier on you than Nashville or Memphis, but still hot.


So from this experience, I can say I LOVE ambulatory care. I was so at home talking to the patients, explaining to them why they're on what they're on and what they need to change to improve their health. You feel so alive when you're doing what you feel created to do. That's what I got in the clinic seeing patients.

Looking forward...I WILL be doing a residency. It WILL be far away...from home/Memphis/where I've been before. So who knows? I'll keep you posted. That's where I am right now in the process.

Justice is served

I know most of you will not be surprised...but I received a speeding ticket tonight from a state trooper in Putnam County (Cookeville) on my way to Nashville from Kingsport. I was rolling on, making good time, averaging about 85 when he got me. 85 in a 70. He was really nice, and I was surprisingly polite as well. However, that didn't keep him from slapping a big 159 dollar fine on there. It could have been worse. It could have been better. It did get better. The court date he gave me is the day I'll be flying to Hungary...righhhhhht. Guess which I'm picking? I think I just have to call a number and get it changed.

So all of you who were thinking "I told you so": we'll just pretend I can hear you. Thanks.

This past Thursday and Friday I had the great opportunity to participate in health screenings at the Opryland Hotel. It was the National Conference for State Legislators, and a pharmacy alliance group was representing the profession by offering services such as cholesterol panels, blood pressure, bone density, body fat analysis, respiratory function testing, and heartburn awareness screenings. The first day I counseled patients on their results from their lipid (cholesterol) panel, explaining what the numbers meant and what they could do to change them if needed. I loved it! I got to interact with so many interesting people, and they were all really nice. It gave me a reminder as to why I'm in school and what I hope to be when I get out. I really felt my niche there, talking to them about their life and their health. All the while we wanted to make lawmakers aware of our capacity as primary care providers in some ways. Some states don't allow pharmacists to perform any of the collaborative practices such as these types of screenings or immunizations. Whether it be from lack of lobbying from their pharmacist political action groups or opposition from the medical advocacy groups, something needs to change. They are valuable services, and pharmacists are the most accessible health care professional. We should be allowed to be as functional as we're equipped to be. Obviously, I'm biased...

Then yesterday we moved Payten into her new dormroom at Belmont. Her roommate's really sweet, and neither of them are music majors, so it should work out great. One of Payten's biggest concerns was that everyone there was music-oriented, and about 85 % of the kids are...but not all. The campus is beautiful. They just keep improving it. I'm excited for her.

Today I'm headed back to Kingsport...it's gonna be a crazy week. We leave for Memphis on Wednesday for the residency showcase on Thursday...then maybe Huntingdon on Friday...then a wedding in Nashville on Saturday...ugh. Someone slow me down. Oh wait, then my presentation on Monday and rotation test next Tuesday...great! Somebody give me September already!

Kingsport

It's been great up here. Clara is a great roommate, one of the best I could have had. The experience at the site has been amazing due to a few things...

• Ben Gross, my "big brother" from ASP (the president before me), is doing his residency here. So I've gotten to see patients with him and learn from him and with him.
• Dr. Cross is one of the best and most progressive pharmacists I've ever met. It's been such a blessing to see his practice and learn from it.
• The people in the Disease State Management clinic are great! The women at the front, the MD, the other pharmacist, the PA, the nurses, and all the staff here have been so nice and generous to us.
• East TN is not too bad. The scenery is pretty. I wonder if I'm in a time warp every once in a while, but the people are super-nice for the most part.
• What they do here in Disease State Mgmt is phenomenal. They truly improve people's quality of life. They take time to listen, and they CARE about their patients and what will make their lives easier.

Most of our lives this month has been consumed by the rotation, I'll be honest. But I haven't minded...at all. That's really not like me, either. I'm just trying to see what I enjoy the most and trying to equip myself with the clinical skills I need to do what these people do every day: help people.

One more thing:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, REEMS!!!!

Almost there...

at the quarter-life crisis. Oh, it's real. I've talked to friends going through it. And since my recent conversion to a 24-year-old, I've tasted a bit of it. Turning 24 honestly made me feel a little old and caused me to quickly assess my life so far: what I've accomplished, what I have of worth, and what I'm without. Then it made me assess what others may or may not perceive about me.

People consider me an adult. That's crazy.

What qualifies a person as "grown-up"? Is there an efficiency exam or some type of baseline values to be reached? I'm not sure how well I'd do on that.

Just a few years ago, I was still staying up all night, cutting up with college roommates when I should have been studying for finals. The questions I ask about life and love haven't changed that much since that time. Have I become a more keen observer or am I just looking at different things now?

My friends now have real jobs. They pay mortgages. Some have kids. Some are being given the opportunity to teach children in school. These are all huge responsibilities. When do you know you can handle it? When you're there? in the midst of it?

I'm gonna chalk my perceived childishness up to being adventurous and carry it proudly. I'll always be a learner, so my mind won't often rest. The point of stability beneath it all is that I know WHO holds it all. And in Him, all things hold together (Col. 1:17). I don't have to be or have accomplished "something" in the eyes of men (or in my own!) to have worth. He's done more than validate me. He's loved me as I am. The more I can lay hold of that, the less time I'll spend on futile questions.

A Good birthday...

Last Thursday consisted of several phone calls, a bunch of text messages, about 10 Myspace comments, and about 25 Facebook wall postings wishing me a happy birthday. I intended to thank each well-wisher individually, but I didn't know when I was going to have time to hunt down each message-leaver. So if you left one, and you're reading this--Thank you so much!

I went out with some friends in Nashville to eat sushi, which I hadn't had since I left Memphis and was missing greatly. Then we went to see Andy Davis play at 12th and Porter. That kid's the bomb. Check out his music if you haven't. He's money. Very soulful, pop-ish, but rich tunes. We also saw Sam and Ruby; these kids are phenomenal...voices like I've never heard.

This weekend I went home to see my fam, and it was great! I missed them so much. I'm still really sad because I'm not getting to take the annual trip with mom and them to Destin for a week. Instead I'm trekking up to Kingsport, TN to do a rotation up there. I think this rotation will be one of the best ones all year, I'm just a little nervous about Kingsport. Not gonna know anybody. Not gonna have much to do outside of my rotation...little nervous. I know it'll work out. I'm with a cool girl from my class, so I won't be alone. Plus my big bro from ASP, Ben Gross, is actually doing his residency up there. PLUS, my preceptor's one of my favorite professors, so there are positives.

I just wanted to make sure you all knew that I still got it. I was watching about 12 kids play in my dad's pool after VBS on Saturday, and there were these fearless little boys, two brothers, who were flippin' away on the diving board. Curiousity got the best of me as to whether or not the new 24-year-old could still pull a back tuck off the diving board. So, after retrieving my suit, I headed straight for the board without yet getting wet. When I finally made it to the end of the board and after I almost lost my balance. I threw that sucker... And I made it...all the way around in the rotation before I hit the water. I was so proud. I'm old and out of shape, but dangit, I can still throw a tuck jumping off the diving board. What up now, playa?

See? And I'm still a big goof-ball...don't see me growing out of that one anytime soon.

For the LORD is our judge,

the LORD is our lawgiver,

the LORD is our king;

it is He who will save us.

-Isaiah 33:22, NIV

The chasm between a kindergarten level of education and that of a rocket scientist doesn't come close to adequately representing the difference between my concept of justice and God's. That's becoming increasingly apparent in my life over this past week. No, I take that back, let's go on and roll it back to when the drama came to a head at GBC. I'm stubborn, passionate, and strong-willed, so I always want to help, fix, and reconcile things. But I'm usually too emotional to do that well or tactfully.

When I am made aware of someone suffering "unjustly" around me, I am first and intensely mad. I want to wrong the person that I feel has wronged them. I want to stomp whatever is causing their pain. Then when the realization hits that I can do nothing about it, I get depressed. I get sad, feel helpless, and wonder if anything is worth trying for. All the time, I've completely shanked everything that God promises He is. He is just. He is loving. He is in control. All good things come from Him. All things work for the good of those who love Him. He has a plan, for good not for harm. We are waging a spiritual war, not against things we can see.

None of these truths are in my cognition in the midst of the storm. It takes me tiring out, giving up, running ragged and realizing I haven't made any distance to get low enough to truly hear Him whisper these to my heart. Why don't I listen earlier?

There's a song on Jill Phillips' latest album called By a Thread where she talks about believing all these things but she can't get them down to her heart from her head. It seems like my life story. I want to be prepped and ready for trial, because I know God takes all those He loves through it in order to make them more like Him. I'm failing the small stuff. My biggest fear is that this unbelief will cut short His best being accomplished in my life. I want the whole package, but I'm not willing to accept my role in it...which is HE's God, He's in control, He loves me, and He knows the end. I don't have or know any of these things. But He's promised to hold me, love me, walk with me, never leave me, and bring me home. Now why can't I sit still?

How do you assure self-authenticity? People change. Desires change. Hopefully, maturity changes. I just get a gut-check every time I stop to wonder why I have so much fun trying out new eyeshadow colors and application techniques. I've decided that shopping can be a hobby, much like a sport or skill. You can be good at it or bad at it, but I think it's fun. Now, more than anytime of my life, I love being a girl. Is that superficial? Is that silly? Maybe. 5 years ago, I shunned all of these things. They weren't "spiritual" enough. But is being "spiritual" what we're here for? Is there a place for these? Can we use them to reach the lost? Is it a bridge to others with which we can relate? Or is it deceit? Does it give the Devil a foothold? Is it the manifestation of vanity and materialism?

Is this the "little stuff"? Or does it represent deeper issues?

Father, grant me a simple and pure heart to follow after You. Purge anything that hinders my focus, love, and devotion toward you. Let me take an active role in my journey closer to You. Heighten my sensitivity to conviction, and still my anxious thoughts. Make me willing to say what Paul does in Phil. 3 about counting it all rubbish in comparison to knowing You. I believe You're more than worthy.

New Music

That everyone needs to check out...JJ Heller, Matthew Perryman-Jones, and Andrew Osenga. I just saw each of them play a set tonight. Then I got to meet JJ, her husband, and Andrew Osenga. They were great...all of them. MPJ kinda reminds me of my buddy Joe G. JJ's voice is super-unique and even more pure live. Crazy. So add 'em as a buddy if you're on Myspace or buy their tunes off of itunes. However you decide, they're good peeps to have around.

Star Sighting #2...And #3!

I was released from the last day of my first rotation early and decided to treat myself to a bad lunch from McAlister's. Woo, the thought of that broc/cheese soup still gives me chills...so bad. I don't know how Memphis always got that right, but beware the McAlister's in Brentwood. As I drive by Chik-fil-a, I look, I look again, and yep, I'm pretty sure I saw Matt Wertz sitting there in deep convo with his bud. I bout flipped. Had I not been completely tired, worn out, and discouraged, I might have busted out the usual Lauren-lack-of-shyness-always-ready-to-make-a-new-connection and chatted it up. Oh well, maybe next time.

My next chance came when I stopped by Blockbuster tonight after work. I go there once a week, usually on a Friday night, and relax and watch a movie. It's fun for me, don't hate. So I walk in, glance at this guy, look twice, second guess myself, try to get another look without seeming wierd, then ask him with a quizzical look, "Are you Ben Shive?" He is! He goes to church with Suzanne and Jamie at Grace AND we both know the Gullahorns. Crazy. So there ya go. All these great people I've enjoyed hearing the gifts of for years now will hopefully become at least acquaintances for me. I'll keep ya posted.

Purpose of the Process

Most of you who know me are aware that I agree with the Westminster Catechism that "the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." Please understand (those of you who know me know THIS as well) that I DON'T succeed at living this out much of the time. The coolest part is, my success or failure doesn't determine my ability to glorify God...or my worth, for that matter. Both of those things were secured when Christ's death and resurrection bought my redemption.

Ok, so I didn't mean to launch into doctrine, I just rarely am able to get around it. lol. What I REALLY wanted to blog about was an opportunity available to anyone to help someone in need. One of the ways we grow, learn, and understand purpose is to better ourselves by doing or giving something for a neighbor.

A small, meager way that I have immensely enjoyed doing this is by sponsoring a child through Compassion International. I have had Lena from Indonesia as my sponsor child since my sophomore year of college. So yeah, please don't let money stand in your way. We write letters to each other, and one day I'd really like to go visit her someday. I have no idea how it's worked out for me to have 32 bucks a month in my account, ready to go to her, but it always has...worked out.

So if you are looking for a little way to make a big difference, please let me know or click on the link at the left that reads "Help children". It's so rewarding.

More of my process...

I gave my presentation today for this rotation. I thought it went pretty well, especially for my first one. So that's one hurdle jumped. I also started my part-time job tonite at CVS here. Loved it. The people I work with are super cool and fun to be around. I can tell I'm gonna like it. So things are not as overwhelming as before. Part of my fam's coming in this weekend. That's good. I miss my family.

Still looking for a church. Please pray for that if you're reading this. If you read my last blog, you know that I need some healing in terms of my heart in correlation to The Church. I hurt for it. And I need one...the fellowship...the accountability...the community.

My heart is broken for the Body of Christ in America. The apathy that is rampant in the vast majority of our assemblies is disgusting. We are scared of the real thing. We are terrified of whole surrender. We're too afraid of what God will ask us to do, of what God wants from us. The truth is we are too ignorant of His love, the depth, the quality, and the power of it. We are highly deceived about what He DOES want for us. It's not scary. It's not unattainable. It's simple and sweet and worth everything. Not only are we afraid of it, but we silence and persecute those who challenge us toward it. We want what we know. We want what we've seen and heard before. Don't bring us something we don't understand. Don't lead us to a new place where we have to change in order to live there. We like HERE and NOW.

We've forsaken the most basic command Christ gave us: follow Him. What comforts did He ever lay hold of? He didn't even seek to save His own LIFE! We don't want to give up our favorite TV show in order to be closer to Him.

bureaucracy. leadership structure. contemporary vs. traditional. giving. taking. growing. buildings. outreach. "worship". What does these words mean to a soul without Christ? Have we shown them Who He is?

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS LOVE THEM. DO WE EVEN LOVE EACH OTHER? DO WE LOVE OURSELVES? DO WE BELIEVE THAT GOD LOVES US AS HE SAYS HE DOES? DO WE LIVE IN THE FREEDOM CHRIST DIED TO GIVE US? IF NOT, HOW CAN WE OFFER IT TO ANYONE ELSE?

Why are "church-people" so judgmental? Here's a theory: We (as churchgoers) have yet to truly lay hold of the forgiveness God offers us, so we can't experience the real freedom of being pardoned from all our sins. Since we subject ourselves to these burdens of personal punishment, we feel that others should too. Because after all, they're not perfect. Isn't that the Story? Isn't that the whole point? WE ARE NOTHING. That's the beauty of the Gospel. We haven't ever been. We've never had anything to offer. Then God, in His infinite love, sent Christ to redeem for Himself a people to KNOW Him and experience his LOVE based on NO merit of their own. Our glory is that Christ died for us and conquered death so that we might LIVE through Him. That's our glory, that's our story, that's our whole worth wrapped up in a nutshell. So the daily mess, we all got it! Stop acting like you don't and looking down on me because I do. Until we, as the Body of Christ, learn to love EACH OTHER AS WE ARE, the world won't want to join in. It starts with individuals. Do you love YOU as you are? I honestly struggle most with this one. But...when I can lay hold of those promises of God's huge and unfailing love, I can love ANYONE just because HE loves me.

Thanks for reading my heart.

Does God change His mind?

I was recently face-to-face with this question during my personal reading time. I decided to consult a concordance and then a wiser Christian. Here's what I found. Feel free to add.


Dear wiser Christian (who shall remain nameless because I didn't ask his permission),

I came across a passage in Amos 7 that challenges my current understanding of God's omniscience. It's in verses 3 and 6 when Amos pleads with Him to withold His full wrath against Israel. The NASB says that He "changed His mind", while the NIV uses the word relented. Zondervan's concordance took it back to a Hebrew word naham, meaning the previously used words or to show sympathy or comfort. My question is: what does this imply about God's will and His omniscience? For Him to truly "change His mind" the way we as humans change our minds would imply there is information of which He was made aware that He previously did not know. I don't believe I can reconcile that with His omniscience. Was it just an act to grow Amos's faith? God doesn't lie, so it would be contrary to His essence for Him to proclaim all this judgment with no real intent on carrying it out, right? That's my dilemma in a nutshell. I was hoping you could shed some light on how to package this in my head.

Thank you so much for your time.

-- For His glory,
Lauren Webb
Isaiah 42:6

The response, which was extremely fast, I might add, is below.

Lauren,

You have raised an excellent question. This phrase occurs numeroustimes in the Old Testament where God is seen as "changing his mind."Based on other propositional statements about God's will, His decrees,His character, His constancy and faithfulness, I do not think that thesepassages could mean that he changed his mind on a whim based on some"new" information.

It seems best to me to understand this language in the passage in a waysimilar to what we have to do to several of God's statements to Hischildren as "theanthropic" language-that is it is God using human language to communicate to us in a waythat we can understand based on our limted experience, our limitedunderstanding and our finiteness--compared with His infinite attributesof omniscience and foreknowledge. John Calvin was fond of saying thatGod had to use "baby talk" with us for us to understand.

I think that the concept of "theanthropic language" is the best way tounderstand this concept and be faithful both to the language of the textand the theological propositions about God elsewhere in Scripture.I know that this brief response will not answer all of your questions,but I hope it will help a little bit. The idea of theanthropic language goes along for me to satisfy some of these very challenging sections ofthe OT.

- The Wiser Christian

I liked it. Let me know what comes to mind for you...

I need to be in bed...

That thought weighs on me like a nagging chimp on my back. And the following thought says, "If you don't blog now, you never will." And so my life threatens to slip out of my control again. Rotations have started. I'm getting up at dawn. My body hasn't adjusted yet, so all day I pray not to fall asleep while I'm at the hospital, then I'm too tired to be social when I get home. I know I'll catch the swing of things soon.

Everything's going well. I love Nashville. Such a cool city. Love my roommate. Cool girl. Roommates.com did a girl good. I'm not advocating online dating or anything, but props to the compatibility matcher of Roommates.com. Already got most of roads navigated. There hasn't been a single time where I had no clue where I was. Yep, I've almost got this place down.

Been to some really neat churches. Still got two more I'd like to check out before I dive into one. We'll see. It's hard when churches only meet once a week. Makes this process way drawn-out. Love the people in the churches here, though. Well, just love the people period. Very vibrant. Cool individuals. And just THAT...lots of individuals.

God is proving Himself just as faithful as ever. He calms my heart constantly. Except for a few jitters still about my performance on rotations, I have such a peace about my life here. Growing, learning, and most of the time abiding. It's a sweet time.

My first Nashville Star Sighting

to me, anyway. I walked into the Mercy Lounge to hear some people play, and there sits Chris Rice on a bar stool. I bout flipped.

I already knew of two of the guys playing, Matt Wertz and Dave Barnes...shown below,

respectively...

I really enjoyed their music. I had never heard them live before, but they did a bombin' job. Good writing...

Then there was a new kid. I had never heard of him before, but he really impressed me. His style kinda creeps up and grabs you, then you're hooked. Check him out, Tyler James...

the kid's money.

On a little different note (but still on the star-to-me sightings), I went to church this morning with Andy and Jill Gullahorn. Such a neat experience. They attend an Anglican church here called Church of the Redeemer. Check it out. They have two beautiful children with whom I've already fallen in love. The congregation at this church was unlike any I'd ever encountered. No sign of judgment anywhere. There wasn't room because the love they showed for each other penetrated the place. Different folks from different walks of life truly united in the pursuit of Christ with a surprisingly raw desire. Like I said, it was deeply enlightening. I'll keep you posted on where I end up (churchwise).

Thanks for reading...

Something Old, Something New...

I left Memphis last Friday. The only time I cried saying goodbye was with Nat. It really hurt my heart to drive away. However, many times in the car by myself I was moved to tears when I thought of how great my friends have been, the surprise party, and all the blessings God has showered on me during my time in Memphis.

I moved all my stuff to Nashville on Saturday but didn't stay. My new roommate got up early and helped me move my stuff in! Katie's great.

We got Payten graduated, and I hung out with the fam for a couple of days. Last night was my first sleep in my old bed in a new room. I had a good talk with Katie, and I'm excited about us rooming together. I know I will like it here. I'm expectant for God to move me during my time here.

Thank you, all you who have been praying for me and encouraging me. It has been vital to me. Everyone, please come visit!

The Best

• friends and family anyone could have,
• going away party ever,
• surprise kept from me,
• and time with a moon bounce.

That's what I experienced tonight. I was having (or so I thought) sushi with Zach, Justin, Nat, and Brad, but we had to hurry because I had a meeting planned later tonight. Nat drives us to pick the boys up, and it's the slowest I've ever seen her drive. I'm kind of a planner, so I'm going nuts because we're behind schedule. When we pull up to their house, Nat and Brad want to get out, and I get mad about it, cuz I'd rather just call them to come to the car! Then I notice there are ton of cars at Zach's house. Then I see my stepmom at her expedition diggout a camera. Then I notice a car that looks like my mom's. Then I flip out. I walk in to see about 30 people who have come to wish me well. It was amazing. Zach and Nat, with help from others, planned this huge party for me! I was stunned and overwhelmed. Zach had Germantown Commissary BBQ and the moon bounce blowup toy in the background of the picture brought in for everyone.

It means so much to me that people would do so much, go so far out of their way for me. I'm floored. I truly am. It is so challenging to me to see people who are so good at being a friend, at self-sacrifice, at thinking of others. These people are incredible: all my friends and family. People drove long distances, kept good secrets, and even lied well to pull all this off. I don't deserve these calibur people in my life, and especially for them to give this much to me. I'm extremely blessed and humbled by the gift of themselves that they give to me.

Broken and Inflamed...

Is my heart right now about all that is brewing at Germantown Baptist Church. I love this church, and God has used it to bring such joy and comfort to me in a big, new, scary, secular place like Memphis and pharmacy school. It was a shock for me coming from the Bubble of Union, and this church was a lifeline. I have been fed with Biblical Truth, blessed with the presence of Holy Spirit during worship services, and given the experience of true fellowship among believers in that place. All of this occurred under the leadership of Dr. Sam Shaw. God could have used anyone He chose to grow that church exponentially as He has since Pastor Sam got here in 1998. But He used Sam...because Sam has been obedient and responsive to the things God has laid on his heart. Is he perfect? NO! Is anyone? Does that mean we just shank all positions of Biblical leadership simply because no one is perfectly fit to lead them? NO! And handicap grace? What does Paul go over and over again? God's power is seen in man's weakness? He uses the fools of the earth to shame the wise? No one is adequate apart from the grace Christ died to afford us.

My point is, and I have a few of them, all of the people that voted against the new Constitution and Bylaws were NOT voting against Sam. The "Save GBC"ers are highly misinformed if they believe that to be the case. It is unfair and incorrect for them to speak for those they have not spoken to. And then to tell that to the media! Absurdity.

Here's one of the articles that has come out recently in the Commercial Appeal:
http://www.commercialappeal.com/mca/germantown/article/0,1426

Please check it out. I hate that I'm leaving my church home at a time like this. But I'm not going to fail to protect and preserve it. There are rumors of people working to ask for Pastor Sam's and most of the staff's resignation. One key staff member has already resigned. And I'm mad about it. Who will fight for them? Who will defend them? They are the people God has used to grow the church in width and depth, to give the church true vision for outreach and evangelism, and to carry the church on to fulfill God-sized missions that man would never think possible. And people want them GONE? Just because they're not comfortable with a guitar instead of an organ? Or because the person sitting beside them in the church pew doesn't look just like them? Does the congregation own the preacher and his job? Is that what Paul preached in the New Testament? Does he who has the biggest tithe get the loudest voice? Is that where we are? I'm mad. I'm disappointed in God's people...in the Body of Christ.

My prayer is that God will come in power, that He will bring His justice swiftly. I pray that He will love those who are astray back into the fold. I pray that He will give me a heart that is burdened and constantly praying for those deceived. I pray that He will bring His Light and His Truth in power, and the wolves in sheeps clothing would be revealed. I pray to Jehovah Rapha, the God Who Heals, that He will do what only He can in the hearts of men.

Please pray... for my church, for the staff, for the divisive ones, against the Father of Lies, for God's glory to be seen and His Kingdom to be furthered. Eternity depends on it.

New Thoughts

From my observation...and my imagination...it seems that dating relationships (in many cases, not all) that are carried out in an appropriate manner arise when a young man finds something desirable in a young woman. He observes her further to notice the presence or absence of future potential as a wife and a mom. This may not be a fully conscious process. He may not realize why he's attracted to certain things and not to others, but evidence has led me to believe this is the case. At some point, he makes the inner decision that he would like to have her as his. The pursuit begins. All he really has to do over the course of time is make her aware that he sees and values specific qualities about her. It ALMOST never fails. Women respond to being cherished. Here's the take-away points at which I wanted the reader to arrive:

GUYS: If you like the girl, just pursue! You'd be suprised how a heart can be turned when you come to retrieve it with confidence, gentleness, and perseverance. But, seriously, keep in mind, if she keeps rejecting, gather the scraps of self-esteem, and keep your eyes open for someone better suited for you.

GIRLS: Sweetie, you can crush all you want, but they ain't all coming after you. So have fun with your girls and your guy friends if you have them. Don't get overjoyed when someone wants to "set you up". It works for some; for others it's a nightmare. Keep your eyes open as well. It may actually take you somehow getting your foot in the door to snag a thought in his head. But someone will come. And keep in mind, your Savior has already come. It's a tragedy to all parties involved when the role of Christ and the man in your life become construed. No good.

A wise man once told me: Girls initiate, guys pursue, girls respond. I'm not sure that any of the previous advice applies across the board, but it's just what I've got for now.

I'd LOVE some feedback...

American Idol...

Seriously! I give up! What is wrong with this nation? Chris, the BEST one on there by FAR, just got voted off tonight. I boycott. All is wrong in this scenario. Taylor shoulda been headed home after the first couple of weeks. Honestly! Where is the justice?!

One more...

Saw Pride and Prejudice tonight. Maybe not the best idea...but it did help throw a few punches at the skeptic that's taken over, so maybe there's positive. Who can say? It was a little predictable, but it got me. I was in it. Maybe because I'm thickheaded and opinionated like Elizabeth. Once again, who's to say? And I'm sad to say (and a little embarassed) that I cried. BUT only in the part where she was talking to her dad and HE starts crying. I could SO see that occurring between me and my dad. He's got a visible heart like that. I love that about him. Okay, got a few more stories to tell so let's move on...

So I'm sitting in my apartment tonight. Keep in mind that I live downtown, really close to some shady areas. I'm watching my movie; Nat and Brad are hanging out. Then BANG! A couple more... BANG! BANG! What's funny is that at first, I didn't even react. Then it kept happening! If you think the initial response is fear for my life if that happens to be coming from a 9 mm, you'd be WRONG! I'm ticked. I'm trying to watch my movie, and I wanna know why the heck some punk is either blowing something up or shooting a gun! So I throw open the blinds and open our balcony door. Then I see a couple of flashes correlating to the timing of the bangs. Then I understand...Redbirds game...is over. They're shooting fireworks. Maybe because it's Cinco de Mayo. Who knows? I don't really lose any annoyance because I'm still hindered from hearing my movie. It finally stops.

Last story, I promise to keep it short. I visited my buddies up at Louisville, KY, that go to Southern over the past three days. Today, I decide to go with Bredow to the gym at their school to work out. Then I decide I'll just lift with him. lol. Great idea. I'm reminded of how weak I currently am, and then the worse comes. I'm sitting on the machine where you do bicep curls by pulling up the bar. My elbows are on the pad. I've finished my set, and I'm about to get up. So I just drop the handlebars. Well, they're not stationary. They are set out apart from the actual bar. Think of a "T" shape. When I dropped those bad boys, they THUMPED my knees so hard I didn't think I could get up. I really didn't know what had happened. I half expected my feet to have both kicked up like I got shocked as the reflex response usually works upon percussion. And I sure enough got beat. And now I have two symmetrical knots right below my kneecap that are painful upon any type of movement in my lower leg. Great idea...

Ok, so I'm not good at keepin' things short.

New Life!

She's precious! And beautiful! My cousin Valerie and her husband Matt had Julia Taylor 8 weeks ago. I got to meet her tonight at Meemaw's house. I held for at least 30 minutes. She's such a good baby; she slept most of the night. I gave her a bottle and tried to burp her, but I guess she hasn't found the family gift of the belch just yet. We'll teach her.

She's so tiny. She would make little noises and contort her face in times of wakefulness. Beautiful.

I wish Matt and Valerie lived closer...I'd LOVE to babysit.

I know Will's the movie buff, and I'm not anywhere near an expert on movies, but if you know me, I tend to be opinionated, so here's what I got on this movie...

I will start with the disclaimer that there is language and a couple of sketchy scenes that could be detrimental. If you're able to get past that and take the movie in for what it set out to accomplish, it will rock you. I honestly really liked it. I thought it was the bomb at representing the harsh reality that we, many times, pretend doesn't exist. The actors were phenomenal. They sold it for sure. You even get to see Ludacris show out a little bit. The character development was addictive. I wanted the movie to keep going. So much credit should go to the writers, directors, and producers. This was done with creative genius. I would suggest seeing this with an open mind, and see where you fit among the characters.

I'm DONE!

With classes forever! (Barring seminary, of course). I took my last final yesterday, and it's a very strange feeling to not have the looming feeling that I need to be studying. All the things I had pushed off until after finals now stares me in the face, waiting for my attention. Also, no longer being a typical "student" gives me this creeping sense that adulthood is sneaking up on me behind my right shoulder. I'm too afraid to swat it away. I know I'm not going to win that battle. Many times through ASP or other responsibilities I've convinced myself that I'm ready, that I can take it. And who knows? I might be, but I'm still not necessarily looking forward to it. I don't like to do things I'm not already good at, and I'm pretty sure that this ain't gonna be one of them...at least not at first, anyway.

Last night, my class had our P3 Banquet, and it was great! I got to spend time, cut up, eat, and dance with some of the people I've been in school with for the past 3 years. We've stressed together, took tests together, laughed together, sometimes fought together, and even cried together. I'll be sad not to see them all regularly. There was even tornado sirens going off outside the place last night, but none of us paid that much attention. I guess we were willing to risk it since this was our last chance to be together before some of us ship off to Nashville, Knoxville, Jackson, and Chattanooga.

We had this fun vote on "superlatives" for our class. There were some funny ones and definitely some random ones. I tied with a guy in my class for "Class Sleeper". My mom was really proud. lol. She got on to me when I told her. I just don't sleep enough. It's not very productive. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to sleep; I just can't really find enough time for it. So yeah, when a professor drones on, reading from his slides in a monotone voice, as hard as I try, I usually end up with the eye-drooping, head bobbing, struggle to stay awake.

I also brought home Best Personality, which I was really surprised by. I have some of the coolest kids in my class. They're all extremely unique and very gifted. It's been a great three years, and I'll miss them all very much. I have definitely come out of this experience with new experiences, new memories, new insights, and a lot of new friends.

Things that I've learned over the past week in planning and organizing the banquet/casino night for 400 people...

1. It's never too early to start.
2. You better have an awesome group of people helping you out, cuz there ain't NO way you're 'bout to pull it off on your own. And I do. This year's Exec. Committee has been amazing. I love those people. There's no way this year would have happened without their hard work, dedication, and willingness to always lend a hand. Of course, they were great about giving me courtesy laughs when I cut up during EC meetings too. And the new EC seems just as strong. ASP is such a fortunate organization to have such gifted servant leaders.
3. When you're involved in things bigger than you, which in almost every case simply includes life itself, you BETTER have a rock to which you're anchored. You better have your hope and expectation invested in something bigger than your present reality. You better know Jesus.
4. Never buys items online from ANY company that ships via DHL. This shipping service's incompetence alone was responsible for at least two crying episodes.
5. Everything will work out, maybe not to your expectation, but it'll get done...or it won't. And you'll still live to see tomorrow according to God's will.
6. No matter how many times I've seen God's faithfulness showered over my life, I always fail in the midst of trial. I wuss out. I cry. I get mad. I try to fix things on my own. I look for answers and actually expect my definition of "justice" to prevail in the universe. When the pressure hits, I completely let verses like Matt. 6:33, Prov. 3:5-6, Col. 1:17, Isaiah 55:8-9, and tons of others flee from my immediate consciousness.

I need to go back over Psalm 119:11 "Thy Word have I hid in mine heart that I might not sin against Thee."

Or how about Psalm 119:105 "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

I require being broken before I ever just listen. If God's love were no better than mine, He would have given up on me a long time ago. He gives me promises I can count, that I can rest in, promises that secure my hope.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

-Isaiah 41:10

I received more sad news today. It seems that the reality of death has lingered in my life over the past couple of weeks. After the unexpected death of a fellow student and friend two weeks ago, this past Saturday, my father called to inform me that my great-aunt Janice had died in here sleep at a very young 58 years old. She was my MamaJo's younger sister, and my stepmom's aunt. She had health problems in the past, but no one expected this to happen now. She has many grandchildren, and one of them is expecting a child now. This has left her whole family shaken up, and my prayer is that God will use this to draw them unto Himself as their source of comfort and peace.

This morning my mom called to inform me that one of Payten's (my youngest sister who's a senior in high school) classmates hung himself. One of the most entertaining defensive football players to watch, the boy was loved and admired by many. My stepdad was one of his biggest fans on the field. The senior class is getting a tragic end to their time together. Please keep those kids and his family in your prayers. I pray that they would search for answers, and that God would reveal Himself as He is, almighty, sovereign, loving, and in control.

Spring normally brings new life, and maybe God will use these events we view as tragic to spur newness in people's souls. That is prayer. Please let it be yours.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I just thought you guys should know that I have a big test on Monday over psychiatric disorders and their treatment, and I've diagnosed myself with at least half of them...

I wish I had more items of conviction or intense emotion to blog about, but here's all that's been swimming in my head...

Daron, my sis, had surgery last Friday to fix the compartment syndrome in her legs that had been keeping her from her A-game in soccer. Please pray for her quick recovery, and you can read all about the experience on her blog, which I have linked to the left. She's awesome, and I'm very proud of her.

I went to Nashville on Saturday to look for potential living arrangements, and I was overall discouraged. There are good options, but I'd like to have a roommate due to cost-efficiency, and none are currently presenting themselves. Living with someone is a big deal. If it's a bad situation, you're looking at a pretty miserable experience. So then there's the option of living alone, I'm just not sure I want to have to take out that much in loans. We'll see. Please pray for that.

And then school, ASP, church, and the move from Memphis. It's wierd how I feel myself moving away from my attachments here. I love my friends, my church, my people at church, and my familiarity with the area. But I feel like there's much more potential to be reached in another geographic region. Most of my friends here are married or getting there, and their time is hard to get. So my communication with local friends has dwindled considerably. It works out, because there are a million other things I need to be doing. And actually, it's conditioning me for the move. Now the communication resembles what it can be like while I'm in Nashville. Not much transition needed. But I still want to make the most of the rest of my time.

Spiritually, God really got my attention last weekend. He showed me what I looked like in terms of spiritual fitness, and I was disgusted. It's like seeing yourself 150 pounds overweight. I'm so out of shape in that area. I used to be on the ball. I guess being at Union was my glory days when it comes to spiritual discipline, because the college me would probably break out some Chuck Norris on the now me if it had the chance. I'm currently trying to recenter. Life's just sooooo not worth trying if you've lost sight of WHY you've been created. And with school, ASP, and busy-ness, I had. I think Melinda's untimely death reminded me of how to prioritize. Praise the Lord that He loves me enough to draw me back to Himself, knowing that I won't ever get it all right, but providing me the grace to seek His righteousness and pursue His heart.

We lost one today.

So many people lost. A young man lost his girlfriend. A father and mother lost their daughter. A sister and friend lost her sister and friend. We lost a friend, a classmate, a future colleague, a member of ASP EC, and a leader at our school. We were given no warning. We did not get to say goodbye. There is no precedent for this. We lost.

Father, please let us find comfort and peace in you during this time. We lift up the family and loved ones of this individual. Please bring your consolation into the deepest hurts in our hearts. We trust that she is with You. May you use this time of grief to bring glory to Yourself. We know that Your ways are not ours (Isaiah 55:8-9), and that Your plan is perfect despite our lack of understanding. Grant us the grace to trust that Your plan is ultimately for good regardless of what we see (Jer. 29:11). Make us know that You have a specific plan for each life you create (Psalm 139). May we be reminded that our lives are short. Remind us that You give us breath for the sole purpose of being like You and reflecting the glory of Who You are. Remind us the difference between eternal and temporal things. Let our investments be for the former rather than the latter.

Father, being known by You makes me long to be with You as this young one is. I pray that you guide our steps in Your will until the day ordained for each of us to leave this life. Hold us, Lord. Let us rest against Your chest (Deut. 33:12) until we get to see You face to face.

Conclusion

I've been restless for the past month or so with life in general due to where I'm at right now, what I have, what I don't have, who I am, responsibilities, decisions, etc. But this morning, I came to the conclusion that if this lack of contentment always leads me to the desparation to know Christ more and be near Him, I'll take it.

UConn's a CROC!

How in the nation can a team seriously pass on in the tournament when the refs just conveniently miss two HUGE calls that could have changed everything? First of all, when a man TRIPS over another player's foot (the clumsy Marcus Williams from UConn), IT'S NOT A FOUL!!! Maybe those pages just weren't in those ref's manual. Who knows? And it seems kinda odd that Dentmon, one of the U-W players that was holdin' things together FOULED OUT on that cruddy call! Interesting! Then, another set of pages that seems to have been misplaced from the ref's manual was GOALTENDING. If the ball is on the arc down due to the pull of gravity, then the other team, according to my understanding, is not allowed to touch the ball! Roy was robbed. However, the refs seemed to have missed this one too! So, the golden team that everyone has placed in their top two CONVENIENTLY moves on...on a fluke.

Creative homeless signs:

"My wife is kidnapped, and I'm 93 cents short."

"Very bad advice................................1 dollar."

One homeless man pretends to be a bush then lunges out at innocent victims passing by. This makes onlookers laugh, so they give him money.

I will say that in comparison to Memphis, San Francisco has more homeless people and those that are more creative with their panhandling.

I write this not to make light of the poverty problem, but to relay a little humor.

Quarter-Life Crisis

A hard truth of life after college for many unattached young adults is that there's no one that takes an interest in what happens to you on a daily basis. For me, the young adventurer who loved coming back to the dormroom and relaying a meager sighting of the recent crush as if it were worthy of the nightly news to my roommates, who were kind enough to convince me they cared, this is quite an adjustment. My friends, who I was constantly encouraged and inspired by because I saw them on a daily basis, are all over the world, literally. I do have friends who I love and have taken great investment in me, but we all have other obligations now...that require time. And the sad part is...so much of my time is taken up with stuff I have to do that isn't too exciting. That cuts down on the number of quality stories I have to tell. So it's fine in the sense that there's less to tell and less ears to hear. But the problem is that I'm needy, and some aspect of that interaction is therapeutic for me...the entertaining? the being heard? the attention? Not sure. I just get stuck playing different roles during the day so I want to come home and be the core me, which is goofy, loud, obnoxious, and sometimes entertaining to others. But with no audience, I'm stuck with being the core me with just me. Not as much fun.

Please excuse my whining, honesty, and transparency.

I leave tomorrow for this meeting. I highly dislike packing. I cannot pack light. I've tried...to no avail. Every time I start out resolved to be meager and sure enough, I end up with my closet in a carry out box. It stems from my desire to be prepared for any and all possible circumstances. Maybe this goes even deeper...I've noticed that the fuel for my analytical nature is the apprehension of mistakes. Oh me, of little faith. After years of walking, you'd think I'd be past simple things. Well, if the chicken and the egg cycle DOES in fact apply to faith and obedience in the Christian walk, then my obedience must be pretty nill to keep my faith muscle so weak. Geesh, that's a harrowing revelation.

But the good news is always grace. And not to cheapen it to something that we shower over us in times of need like Bonhoeffer was disdainful of in Cost of Discipleship, but the costly grace that we turned our lives over to Christ in order to receive. THAT is the grace that allows us to have breath despite the fact that we are sinful. That was in fact paid for with the ultimate cost...the sinless Savior's life. That grace bought for me will allow me to know Truth, know Him, and live for Him and like Him.

I've been kinda down lately. I haven't pinpointed a reason, but I knew I wanted some type of external spiritual food before I left, so I went to the prayer service at my church tonight. It was a small, intimate group of about 50 seniors (mostly, anyway). I had the privilege of praying with a beautiful couple. They were both so grounded in the Word; their prayers were laced with it all throughout their requests. It's been so long since I heard such petition from spiritual warriors with that many battle tales. They were also very encouraging to me as we were leaving. They immediately asked me about myself, my schooling, my plans. God is great when He shows Himself across generations. I wish I had more interaction with older men and women of the faith. There's a wealth of wisdom to be tapped.

Once again, God shows me His faithfulness before I embark on spring break travel. After San Fran, I'm headed to Colorado to ski with my dad, Lecia, Daron, and Kellen. I'm way excited. I'll be back the 25th, and then chaos will hit until April 25th, my last final.

Leave me a comment letting me know what God's been showing you, whether big or small. I want to know.

Would you rather...

lose your sense of sight or sense of hearing? And don't say "neither" because that's a copout response that requires no thought, and we don't have room for nonsense like that on the comment page. I want you to think about it and explain your answer.
The only conditions are as follows:

We ARE talking about at this point in your life. So you HAVE known what it's like to have both. Picture a degenerative disease or something of that hypothetical nature.

Think and then comment! I'm curious...

Just as the process referred to in my blog title, life keeps changing. God keeps bringing new highs, new lows, and basic NEWNESS. I've experienced and been challenged with so many situations I never thought I would be in. They're definitely not all bad. They're just NEW, as if I haven't been redundant enough by this point. Let me just go ahead and specify these...um...things that haven't been in my life before...(see how I tried to not use the three-letter word that starts with an N again?)

Stress- I know everyone throws this word around like we do the word water or time or busy, but it's taken on a much more intense effect on me lately. I've mentioned it before in my blogs, but let me reiterate that it hasn't subsided much. Some of the sources of stress (school, ASP presidency, the ASP banquet, finding a place to live and moving to Nashville) will not be alleviated until well into May. However, some of the sources (finding a car, dealing with the wreck, etc.) have come to a close. God has been faithful to hold me through that ordeal, and I now have a car that is far more than sufficient to meet all my needs. And I'm very grateful to Him and to my parents for helping with that solution.

Relationships- I'm probably more removed from them than I've ever been on a regular basis. Interacting with people is probably next after time spent with God in terms of importance in my life. It's wierd that I've had to forego some of these opportunities to hang out with friends in order to survive the other agenda items that were vying for my time.

Then there's the fun stuff, like helping out with the youth at church. I absolutely love it. I love the kids. The ministers are amazing at what God's called them to do. I love to see it all, and to get to be right there helping facilitate God's work through that ministry is like dessert to me. My experiences there have taught me to relate to and love freshman girls that I was scared I had nothing in common with. I've also learned to be a "switcher" (one who sits at the tech booth and switches from different camera shots with various effects between), a cameragirl (is that the correct term?) who runs around on and in front of the stage while the DNow band is playing (thanks to Will Turner, the intern who insisted I could do the job even though I almost cried when he told me that was my post), and I've learned to believe in and invest in God's work in future generations. The words and time given to me by people during my youth such as Russ Wilkins, Fred Ward, and Ronnie Hill have made a huge difference in my walk over the years. If God can use me in a fraction of that capacity in the life of a student at GBC, I say "yes!" "Here am I, Lord, send me." This, along with school, is my mission field for the moment.

God's solidifying many concepts in my hearts, and it's priceless. I've been walking long enough to not place value on the intensity of emotion I feel at different times and settings but just appreciate when He lets me feel near. I'm learning to truly rest and trust in the Truths of God's Word, just because they're there. And they don't change...ever. That's a victory in itself. That Book is it. All the answers. So if my emotions don't happen to line up, the explanation is usually lack of referral to the Manual for this life.

The thing that most often reminds me of the fact that God is God and I am not is that He never changes. His immutability is my rock to stand on. The only thing I'm consistent at is being inconsistent. But because His ability to use me is NOT dependent on how "good" I am, He can do all things AT ALL TIMES. Praise the Lord that I am His...that I am known by Him and loved by Him...that I have an eternal inheritance that far surpasses everything I can see in this life...that man is but a breath and that HIS love is everlasting!

Sanctified by glory and fire...

That's a line of one of the songs Chad led us in during the music today at church. I'm seeing it all around me in the lives of my friends as well as in my own life. For me, the question "why?" is almost pointless. You're never guaranteed and certainly not owed an answer. So minus the emotional release that might follow, it doesn't accomplish anything to ask the question. Our friend Job did. And God let him go on with it until about chapters 39 through about 42 ( I don't have a Bible in front of me, so please don't make nasty comments if I'm off by a couple of chapters). However, God finally answers him. And it's probably not what Job was hoping to hear. He didn't technically get an answer but instead received a staunch questioning pointing to the fact that God is God and man is not. You'd think by our generation we'd have this concept nailed. We all know that's not the case.

But back to the original topic of refinement. It's priceless. I didn't say inexpensive, but priceless. It costs everything. And as a Christian who's been walking long at all, you know you don't really have a choice. When you're honest with yourself, you know there's NOTHING ELSE worth living for. We've all tried our tastes with this and that, but it doesn't satisfy. So we're left with surviving the trials. But there's a jewel to be found...

My dear friend Moses Caesar (check out his book at www.mosesbook.com) challenged me when I was going through a rough time to look at times like these as an opportunity to experience God in a way never done before. When you are at your most vulnerable point, you are broken just enough to let God hold you like He never has. Instead of squirming for a way out, the peace comes in resting with the discomfort. Does that make sense? You find comfort in knowing you're being held, God's love and concern for you hasn't changed, and you're just as close to His heart as you've ever been. Check Deut. 33:12. It talks about the one the Lord loves resting between His shoulders. How sweet is that? Knowing we can lay our heads on His chest and REST there.

The verses Moses pointed me towards in this time were in Psalm 131, where the writer is broken. He compares himself to a weaned child. The significance comes in understanding that a weaned child can (1) recognize his need, (2) make his need known to the one that can do something about his need, but (3) he CANNOT do anything about his need himself. This is exactly how we are in life many times. So we rest in God, trusting His truths about His unchanging love for us (John 3:16, Rom. 5:8, Heb. 13:8), His plans for us (Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28, Ps. 139:16), and His eternal victory (John 16:33, Rom. 11:36).

Be strong, take heart, my brothers and sisters, for He has overcome the world, and we are joint heirs with Him!

I have a new link! Ok, I'm a bad friend and just now have Reems' blog linked. So check her out. She's my favorite Lebanese girl in Botswana...or anywhere else for that matter.

Question posed...Need response

Many times the issue of whether God allows or directly causes things to happen has been disputed. Some may say there's not a difference between them; if He's in control, then whatever happens was His will, right? Well, here's what initiated the thought process for me.

I was reading James 1:13, where in the latter part of the verse, James says "He Himself does not tempt anyone" (NASB). So God doesn't tempt people. The Bible says so. But consider Job. Satan asked God to have his way with His servant, and God allowed him to take things away. What about Jesus in the desert. He was definitely tempted. Was that God's will? We know it was part of Him embracing full humanness and exemplary in showing us how to respond. So it definitely served a purpose. And I believe God received glory in both the instance of Job and Jesus in the desert.

So I think this is sufficient evidence to show that there is a difference between God "doing" something and Him "allowing" something to occur. I believe He can receive glory from anything He decides (Rom. 8:28, Isa. 55:8-9, Acts 17:26-27).

Now the concept of His will...that's a whole other region of obscurity. Do things become His will after they have deviated from His best. Can His best ever include sin and its consequences? We all know He can repair and create beauty in the ugliest of circumstances, but what do you call that? His will? I have a hard time discerning where to use that phrase. Maybe we should ease up on that. What does Ecc. 5:2 and 6:11 say?

NAT and BRAD

These kids are adorable. They both look 15 in this pic. That's why I love it. More accurate than you know. Since Nat and I moved from 2,000 square feet over in Midtown to the 1100 square feet of our downtown apartment, the luxury of space has eluded us. Needless to say, we get to spend much more time together. And I like it. Brad lives in the same complex, so he's less than within walking distance. We all ride out to GBC together, and lately we've shared a lot of meals together. But they're precious. I love being around them. They both have such an energy...kind of like that of a 5-year-old. All the time. Until either of them get still. Then they nap for hours at a time. It's hilarious. The randomness that comes out of their mouth and the volume at which they speak it always ensures an entertaining time. And all they have in common is just so fitting. It's a great story. God's amazing for writing it and letting me read it.

And I typed this in the color of my bridesmaid dress on purpose.

I'm so full.

Today was amazing. At 2: something this morning, I went to bed after cutting up with Nat, watching a stupid movie on tv, and washing my face. However, I put off studying the Fusion lesson until the morning. I did, however, pray in repentance for being such a horrible steward of my time and energy. I had such a feeling of dread for having been so irresponsible. This is me being transparent. So I woke up early (about four hours later) and cranked up my newly-received coffee maker. I prayed God would just work in spite of me to communicate His Truth to my girls this morning. It's not that I personally have ever had anything worth giving, but I had definitely dropped the ball this time. So I read, prepared, prayed, and went to church.

Nat and I were running a little late, but I showed up right on time to less of my girls present than usual. I was so excited to give them their little goody bags of candy for Valentine's Day. They are my valentines. And they're the best ones I've had (and the only ones, shh, don't tell) in 7 years. lol. Yeah, I'm serious. But God totally worked in that time. The girls were responsive, attentive, and really engaged in the lesson. I even got choked up when I kinda chased a rabbit to share with them how much they mean to me and how much I hope for them in Christ. I love those girls. They really encourage me. Heck, one of them even called me this week just to talk! That made my day for sure. She even advertised for me today in class, telling the other girls that I was fun to talk to and (get this:) that I knew, like, EVERYTHING. lol. I definitely denied it, but laughed.

In the service, Matt and Meg came to visit since they were commissioning the Evangelism Explosion group and Matt was a part. I had the luxury of reminiscing when Meg and I would always sit together and sing different harmonies to the songs. It was great. The prayer time during the service was intense after Pastor Sam shared various tragedies going on around the world. The main ones hitting me were that thousands were dying in genocide in Sudan, and that missionaries were being evacuated from Venezuela. Yep, my country that I spent a summer of my life in was kicking out the vessels of Truth. I all but weaped during that prayer, but it was rich and I was glad to get to help bear the pain.

After church, a group of us went to lunch with Matt and Meg. Conversation and humor were delicious. My friends and the people God has brought across my path at GBC are some jewels if I've ever seen them. I left with that contented sentiment that you get after having been with those who appreciate you.

Tonight I joined the youth for Difference Makers, a program that teaches students to be servants every day to their classmates. We imitated the persecuted church by going in groups of two to this secluded hallway up a stairwell to meet. Phil gave us each a story of a person or a group that was being persecuted around the world. We then shared about them and prayed. The prayers were amazing. God was definitely there. I, of course, teared up again.

Then basketball. I had a blast this week. I'm getting a little better, but I've just now overcome the intense fear of looking stupid...which worked to my advantage because I absolutely busted it one time tonight when I tripped over the feet of a teammate. lol. Yeah, it was funny; you can laugh. And Casey, you'd be soooo honkin' proud. One time I was wide open at the 3-point line, they passed me the ball, somebody yelled "Shoot!" I replied, "okay" nonchalantly. Sure enough, threw that junk up and nothin' but net! Money! I was so excited, and immediately proclaimed that it would never happen again. I got congrats from both teams. I really enjoyed my team, and I love hanging out with the kids. I wish I could just get inside all of their hearts, inject them with the Truth of who they are in Christ, tell them how cool I think they are, challenge them to be men and women of God, and see the fruit. But I leave in May. Leaving this ministry makes me the saddest about leaving Memphis. Germantown Baptist, so much of it, is the single thing I'll miss the most.

SNOW

We got some of that today. It was pretty for awhile, quickly transforming into sludge that makes the bottom of your jeans dirty. It was a nice, laidback Friday afternoon. Nat and I were counting our blessings that we went ahead and moved downtown. EXAMPLE: we were able to just walk with Brad tonight a couple blocks to eat at Huey's, then to Peabody Place to watch a movie. It was kinda funny...they have already seen almost everything out, and I've seen almost nothing. So I decided to go to a movie by myself while they saw a scary movie, which I don't do.

Last Holiday with Queen Latifah was my choice. It looked cute, light, and guaranteed a good ending. I wasn't disappointed. Irony was present, though. I'm sitting there watching her experience this life trauma and respond to it BY HERSELF. And she seemed almost satisfied to do so. The irony comes in because I was sitting in the theater BY MYSELF. No, I mean, ALL by myself. There was not another soul in the place. (You can only imagine how the Lauren Webb cackle echoed through the place at certain parts.) But it was neat in that I was content to do so.

God has answered too many prayers and shown Himself in too many ways for me to whine about what culture, society, or even my own thoughts pressure me into: why am I alone? There's always the little arrows Satan uses to try to get a foothold: is there something wrong with me that I can't see? Is there something I'm supposed to learn that I haven't been equipped with yet? Am I even datable?

But God hasn't failed me yet. And I don't have an urgency in this area, because He keeps showing me that He's here. He's going with me. He's planned it all out for me. And right now, it's my adventure to live. If He decides at some point, He'll intertwine someone else's story with mine, GREAT. If not, GREAT. The presence or absence of this life partnership that I see people around me joying in has no weight in my worth. God's grace is allowing me to be genuinely happy and joyful with them and at the same time be happy being me...here...now.

I guess that's the beauty of the process...

CHANGE

So much is occurring...and has occurred. Some I foresaw; others abruptly interrupted life as planned. But I see all of them as opportunities to learn new things about God's plan for my life and His character and His faithfulness.

Thank all of you for the kind words about the wreck. God definitely kept both of us safe, and the process to getting all that hemmed up is underway. I have something to drive, and it's more than sufficient.

Natalie and I moved on Saturday. Many, many thanks to Brad, Wade, Taylor, and Zach for providing brawn as we hauled two trailer-fuls of stuff downtown. We're still putting stuff where we think it should fit and making daily trips back to the sunshine house to retrieve a little at a time.

School's more than back in full swing. It's definitely assuming its normal position of trying to suffocate me, along with ASP. But it's a great use of time right now. I like what I'm learning.

Friends are great. I have so many great ones. I don't talk to anyone daily, besides Nat, but there are constants whether they're in Memphis or not even in the continental US. I love and appreciate you all. And of course, the family's always amazing.

We got our rotation picks for next year today. I'm very excited about my Nashville experience. It will be here in less than 4 months. Yay...more change. I'm banking on Hebrews 13:8.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

I was driving down Southern Ave. on my way to meet Vilas, my president-elect, before Fuel. I needed to catch up with him since I've been out of the ASP loop for over a month now. The roads have been wet, so I knew not to drive my usual style. I saw a silver Ford Focus stopped at a stop sign on my right. She had just crossed the rail road tracks. Then I saw the unthinkable, she was inching out as if no one were coming. Sure enough, she kept coming until it was unevitable that I slammed into her driver's side door. I slammed on my brakes, but my tires didn't catch, and swerving didn't help. It was like the All State commercial. I keep playing it over in my head. I anticipated the impact, and then it seemed like an explosion. The car stopped immediately, and after taking inventory to see that I was okay, no bleeding, no apparent broken bones, I noticed the car was smoking. My airbags had come out, and my lip was still burning from where they must have caught me. I jumped out of the car immediately after grabbing what I thought was my cell phone (it ended up being my Ipod) because my fear was that my car might explode. Then it hit me to check on the other driver. She was okay, a little woozy, but unable to get out of her door. A girl had been behind the other driver at the stop sign and seen the whole thing. She was amazingly helpful and called 911 for us. There is a fire department right down the way, so we got them to come out since my car was leaking gas. I stayed calm the whole time, trying to discern the best way to handle everything. I try to cover my bases so that I don't have regrets later. The police came out, got a report, and they hauled our cars off. I only teared up talking to my stepdad and my buddy, Taylor, who came and got me.

It's amazing how things happen so quickly yet change so much about our lives. I've been so hungry lately to grow, and God has really been feeding me through His Word, prayer, and fellowship with others. So I knew He was in control and allowed this to happen for a reason. My prayer is that I glean everything I can from the experience. He is faithful. It could have been so much worse. I look at this time of adversity (finding a rental, getting my car back or finding a new one) as a challenge to better me. I trust God to finish His work in me (Phil. 1:6). I've asked Him to by whatever means necessary. Every experience is preparation for the rest of my life, whether on earth or beyond. That's how I see it. He's big enough to where I don't have to worry, wonder, or fear the unknown.