Almost there...

at the quarter-life crisis. Oh, it's real. I've talked to friends going through it. And since my recent conversion to a 24-year-old, I've tasted a bit of it. Turning 24 honestly made me feel a little old and caused me to quickly assess my life so far: what I've accomplished, what I have of worth, and what I'm without. Then it made me assess what others may or may not perceive about me.

People consider me an adult. That's crazy.

What qualifies a person as "grown-up"? Is there an efficiency exam or some type of baseline values to be reached? I'm not sure how well I'd do on that.

Just a few years ago, I was still staying up all night, cutting up with college roommates when I should have been studying for finals. The questions I ask about life and love haven't changed that much since that time. Have I become a more keen observer or am I just looking at different things now?

My friends now have real jobs. They pay mortgages. Some have kids. Some are being given the opportunity to teach children in school. These are all huge responsibilities. When do you know you can handle it? When you're there? in the midst of it?

I'm gonna chalk my perceived childishness up to being adventurous and carry it proudly. I'll always be a learner, so my mind won't often rest. The point of stability beneath it all is that I know WHO holds it all. And in Him, all things hold together (Col. 1:17). I don't have to be or have accomplished "something" in the eyes of men (or in my own!) to have worth. He's done more than validate me. He's loved me as I am. The more I can lay hold of that, the less time I'll spend on futile questions.

A Good birthday...

Last Thursday consisted of several phone calls, a bunch of text messages, about 10 Myspace comments, and about 25 Facebook wall postings wishing me a happy birthday. I intended to thank each well-wisher individually, but I didn't know when I was going to have time to hunt down each message-leaver. So if you left one, and you're reading this--Thank you so much!

I went out with some friends in Nashville to eat sushi, which I hadn't had since I left Memphis and was missing greatly. Then we went to see Andy Davis play at 12th and Porter. That kid's the bomb. Check out his music if you haven't. He's money. Very soulful, pop-ish, but rich tunes. We also saw Sam and Ruby; these kids are phenomenal...voices like I've never heard.

This weekend I went home to see my fam, and it was great! I missed them so much. I'm still really sad because I'm not getting to take the annual trip with mom and them to Destin for a week. Instead I'm trekking up to Kingsport, TN to do a rotation up there. I think this rotation will be one of the best ones all year, I'm just a little nervous about Kingsport. Not gonna know anybody. Not gonna have much to do outside of my rotation...little nervous. I know it'll work out. I'm with a cool girl from my class, so I won't be alone. Plus my big bro from ASP, Ben Gross, is actually doing his residency up there. PLUS, my preceptor's one of my favorite professors, so there are positives.

I just wanted to make sure you all knew that I still got it. I was watching about 12 kids play in my dad's pool after VBS on Saturday, and there were these fearless little boys, two brothers, who were flippin' away on the diving board. Curiousity got the best of me as to whether or not the new 24-year-old could still pull a back tuck off the diving board. So, after retrieving my suit, I headed straight for the board without yet getting wet. When I finally made it to the end of the board and after I almost lost my balance. I threw that sucker... And I made it...all the way around in the rotation before I hit the water. I was so proud. I'm old and out of shape, but dangit, I can still throw a tuck jumping off the diving board. What up now, playa?

See? And I'm still a big goof-ball...don't see me growing out of that one anytime soon.

For the LORD is our judge,

the LORD is our lawgiver,

the LORD is our king;

it is He who will save us.

-Isaiah 33:22, NIV

The chasm between a kindergarten level of education and that of a rocket scientist doesn't come close to adequately representing the difference between my concept of justice and God's. That's becoming increasingly apparent in my life over this past week. No, I take that back, let's go on and roll it back to when the drama came to a head at GBC. I'm stubborn, passionate, and strong-willed, so I always want to help, fix, and reconcile things. But I'm usually too emotional to do that well or tactfully.

When I am made aware of someone suffering "unjustly" around me, I am first and intensely mad. I want to wrong the person that I feel has wronged them. I want to stomp whatever is causing their pain. Then when the realization hits that I can do nothing about it, I get depressed. I get sad, feel helpless, and wonder if anything is worth trying for. All the time, I've completely shanked everything that God promises He is. He is just. He is loving. He is in control. All good things come from Him. All things work for the good of those who love Him. He has a plan, for good not for harm. We are waging a spiritual war, not against things we can see.

None of these truths are in my cognition in the midst of the storm. It takes me tiring out, giving up, running ragged and realizing I haven't made any distance to get low enough to truly hear Him whisper these to my heart. Why don't I listen earlier?

There's a song on Jill Phillips' latest album called By a Thread where she talks about believing all these things but she can't get them down to her heart from her head. It seems like my life story. I want to be prepped and ready for trial, because I know God takes all those He loves through it in order to make them more like Him. I'm failing the small stuff. My biggest fear is that this unbelief will cut short His best being accomplished in my life. I want the whole package, but I'm not willing to accept my role in it...which is HE's God, He's in control, He loves me, and He knows the end. I don't have or know any of these things. But He's promised to hold me, love me, walk with me, never leave me, and bring me home. Now why can't I sit still?

How do you assure self-authenticity? People change. Desires change. Hopefully, maturity changes. I just get a gut-check every time I stop to wonder why I have so much fun trying out new eyeshadow colors and application techniques. I've decided that shopping can be a hobby, much like a sport or skill. You can be good at it or bad at it, but I think it's fun. Now, more than anytime of my life, I love being a girl. Is that superficial? Is that silly? Maybe. 5 years ago, I shunned all of these things. They weren't "spiritual" enough. But is being "spiritual" what we're here for? Is there a place for these? Can we use them to reach the lost? Is it a bridge to others with which we can relate? Or is it deceit? Does it give the Devil a foothold? Is it the manifestation of vanity and materialism?

Is this the "little stuff"? Or does it represent deeper issues?

Father, grant me a simple and pure heart to follow after You. Purge anything that hinders my focus, love, and devotion toward you. Let me take an active role in my journey closer to You. Heighten my sensitivity to conviction, and still my anxious thoughts. Make me willing to say what Paul does in Phil. 3 about counting it all rubbish in comparison to knowing You. I believe You're more than worthy.

New Music

That everyone needs to check out...JJ Heller, Matthew Perryman-Jones, and Andrew Osenga. I just saw each of them play a set tonight. Then I got to meet JJ, her husband, and Andrew Osenga. They were great...all of them. MPJ kinda reminds me of my buddy Joe G. JJ's voice is super-unique and even more pure live. Crazy. So add 'em as a buddy if you're on Myspace or buy their tunes off of itunes. However you decide, they're good peeps to have around.