Lauren In Process

2011-06-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

The Town that Raised Me...

I knew the question was coming eventually. And then it did. Kyle asked Jacob (my sister's soon-to-be groom) why he waved at every person we passed as we drove to retrieve some ferns for the reception. It was neat to see my hometown of 3500 people in West TN through Kyle's eyes. Having grown up in the Pacific Northwest along the I-5 corridor and never having traveled to any of the cozy, sleepy towns below the Mason-Dixon, I knew it was bound to be an experience for him. And it mattered that he see it. My heart was grown here. It was nurtured and encouraged and inspired and advised and equipped to fly in this place.

My little brother is now using his college summer to work at the bank that's now run by a man that my mom watched grow up in our church. He's given me financial advice, and he married our former babysitter and one of my mentors. And now he's mentoring my brother, who's been working as a teller. This is PERFECT for him since he 1. already knows most of the folks in my town and 2. never meets a stranger. Kellen has personality for days. He's quick-witted, kind, and even a little mischievous. He'll go far in whatever profession he chooses because people will LIKE him.

Jada just married Jacob, her high school sweetheart of 9 years this weekend. They've both been through many years of school and life, and now that she graduated pharmacy school and can move back, they decided it was time. Jacob's taking over his dad's insurance business, and they already have the 4 bedroom house that will house their future lineage. It's perfect. They're set and ready to move right into the community pillar role that both their parents have played. I've gotten to see them both grow up and grow together. I'm blessed to call them family.

This whole wedding was an example of the warmth and hospitality that happens in a small town. A blessed and extremely generous couple not only agrees to let us have the reception on their grounds, but puts in countless hours and funds to get it newly sodded, landscaped, and the outside building upgraded just in time for the occasion. To hear them talk about it, you'd think they were as excited to host the party as we were to throw it. Mom's friends put the reception together in terms of decor and flow and layout. THEN the rains came... and it kept coming. Friday morning there was standing water on the dancefloor. We were rethinking location. This was AFTER most of the arrangements had been made. Some interventions were tried, but Saturday morning, the puddles remained and the rain came harder. We were a somber group getting ready for pictures. There were even tears involved.

But 30 or so men from the community gathered together with my stepdad to screw plywood onto 2x4's to make 8,000 square feet of flooring inside the tent. They finished in about 6 hours. It was people from the bride's side, the groom's side, church friends, family, and out-of-town guests. They made it happen. And we had a beautiful reception. THAT's the beauty of my hometown. I love being from there, and I love coming back to visit.

Kyle flew in from Germany to surprise me, and boy, was I surprised. But I think I was the only one. I'm pretty sure my whole town already knew and was excited to meet him. He got to shoot guns, see farms that don't have animals, and understand the camaraderie that goes down to your bones when you've grown up in small-town West Tennessee. It was perfect.

I love my story. I am proud of my life's trajectory. It's overwhelming to look back and see God's Hand at work at so many turns in the story. And I know He's not done. I look forward to see where He's taking me if where I came from is any indication of the blessings.

2011-05-14T10:52:00.000-07:00

Be the Spark; It's His Fire

Do your little bit of good where you are; its those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.

Desmond Tutu

     My heart beat faster, and I spontaneously rose to my feet with 15,000 others as his name was announced over the Tacoma Dome speakers. It seemed as if we were all immediately aware that we were in the presence of greatness as the Archbishop slowly made his way to the center podium. He quickly lifted his arms in an attempt to quiet the crowd and stall the goosebumps that had developed down my spine. And there he was. This Nobel Laureate and international social activist, with his soft expression and gentle but expressive voice, seemingly invited us to sit at his feet while he told us his words of wisdom for this life. Like a grandfather to his grandchildren, he began speaking to us of his great God, Who is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and Creator of all things. He went on to speak of God's design throughout the ages to "partner" with His human creations to do His work. He spoke of Moses, the Israelites, Mary, the boy with the fish and loaves, and Jesus, recounting with each one how that conversation between them and God might have gone. It was quite endearing and even comical when he changed his voice to match the characters, just like a good story-telling grandfather would do.

     He didn't speak of his battles, of his scars, of his sacrifices in the various victories he's won. He didn't push a social agenda or even a human rights cause. He told a friend years ago that he sees the depressing headlines of the daily news as God's to-do list. For us. As we were bombarded all night with the encouragement to "Be the spark" that starts a fire for the betterment of our world, I couldn't help but wonder if people got it. I mean, got IT. The whole picture. It was easy to agree with all that was being represented: people working together for a common good that is greater than the sum of all parts. Who isn't motivated by that? It's also easy to understand that this is GOOD. It's pure; it's humanitarian; it's people at their best. It's what is TRUE. We SHOULD fight against injustice. We SHOULD support every effort to end child labor and provide clean drinking water. Those are no-brainers.

     But do we really get the big picture? To what end are we doing these things? Where does this desire for GOOD come from? The Bible says that "Every good and perfect gift is from above..." (James 1:17) and that "no one is righteous, not even one." (Romans 3:10) Good is from God. All of this is His. All that is true, all that is good, is from God. I believe it's the God of the Bible. It's the God of Abraham, Isaac, Moses, Noah, the Israelites, and many more. I agree with the Archbishop that God wants to redeem humanity to Himself. I agree with him that God sent Jesus as the only means by which to do that. I also agree with him that God has and will continue to involve people (US) in the process. There was only one doctrinal flaw of his that gave me theological heartburn: He stated that God needed people to do His work. Um, God has no needs. He chooses to use people in His plan to carry out His will. Why that is the case, I will NEVER understand.

     The bottom line is that Tacoma heard Truth last night.   From a man who has given his life to being the hands and feet of Jesus the best way he knew how. I was privileged to encounter him. He is now in my top 5 folks to spend a day with for sure. I would like to be a spark that ignites God's fire in the world around me. It was eternally impacting to hear from someone who has.

2011-02-17T23:06:00.000-08:00

"In Process"

Man, I feel like that's the most appropriate description EVER of the past 6 months of my life. In a process? Am I ever! I guess we always are, but it's rarely been so tangible as it is right now. Adjusting to where I am vs. where I thought I was vs. where I want to be. Yeah, it's a lot. BUT the biggest transition has been moving to a place where I let myself BE where I am. And let that be okay. Praise the Lord! I'm going to credit amazing friends, a persistent loving God, and a bombin' Christian counselor for aiding me in this trek towards peace, and not in that order.

It's weird to live in the dichotomy of being a thinker/hyper-analyzer AND a romantic...and be in love. Because you can fully feel and experience the highs and lows of love and then step outside of it at times and see how crazy it all looks. And I'm convinced that it's crazy for most people. And I'm compelled to pity those that it's tamer for. I think that would be a bigger tragedy. Regardless, I don't think I'm even built for that (tameness). I'm a thinker and all, but I'm way expressive, and I don't have a problem addressing conflict. That lends itself to some ups and downs that may be more frequent but less heightened than those of folks who prioritize avoiding conflict over deeper resolution of ongoing issues. That eventually blows up, and beware.

If you add in my misconceptions about needing to perform and accomplish for God to prove my worth, it can leave me in a heap of confusion regarding how to proceed most faithfully in a dating relationship. What are the make-or-break issues? How much does what I want factor in? What SHOULD I want? I know what makes me happy, but what is setting me up the best to be the happiest I can be (from an eternal perspective) 10 years from now? Oy! It's such a risk. Period. It just is. I don't care who the person is you're thinking about loving for the long haul. They are a risk. They're going to have your heart, and you're going to have absolutely NO control over what they do, think, believe, or how they live. Oy. I know you don't actually WANT control over them, because that would totally negate their choice in loving you, but knowing that doesn't really quell the fear of all possibilities.

Remember that fear I was blogging about previously? You notice any of that? ;) It's actually better. I am learning to lean into trusting God with my circumstances and not trusting in a certain outcome. I'm just being really honest with you right now about some of the things spinning in my head and heart. I don't know many of the answers. In fact, I've only been successful at distilling down what the bigger questions are. I WILL tell you this, though. For me, God has answered prayers. Seriously, for the first time last weekend, when certain concerns surfaced in my heart, I didn't freak out. I didn't start the hyper-analytical spiral into a puddle of worry and doubt, totally rendered ineffective and unfocused on anything of Kingdom value. Instead, I went back to what God has done for me so far. He's shown me what to do a day at a time. So I got alone and started asking God questions. I started with the big ones. Some He chose not to tell me right now. But I plan to keep asking until He does. The ones He DID answer were all I needed for that day. For one day's worth of peace and mercy, He gave me the answers and directions I needed. So that's my new plan in this process. Make those little reconnect and recenter sessions with God more frequent. The older (and hopefully wiser) I get, the more in life I realize I don't know or have any control over. So the only sane choice is get better at trusting God. So I will. And THAT's where I am in this process.

2011-02-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

Fear

Man, what a motivator. I can honestly say nothing's been more consistently dominant over the past year. I've thankfully had pockets of peace where I was abiding and trusting. But the fear lingers, always. It just waits for one of my steps to hit remotely uneven ground, and it swoops in to carry me off into an abyss of ominous hypotheticals. The eternal perspective (the upside) is that it's been opportunity after opportunity to trust God more, minute-by-minute, day-by-day, situation-by-situation. And sometimes I lean into that. And other times I run in circles in my mind until I'm too tired to keep going. And then God meets me there. With the end result always being God showing up to comfort my heart, you'd think this doesn't sound too bad. But seriously, how unnecessary are the massive peaks and troughs of my emotional cosin wave? (Sorry to get all trigonometric on you, it's just what is fitting in my mind.) And what does that speak to those around me about my belief in God's faithfulness? I know my lack of belief doesn't diminish His power or His ability to glorify Himself however He chooses, but I want to be a part. I want to help. I want to be a living example of a life submitted fully.

So maybe here's where grace comes in, as tears creep into my line of vision. Maybe I'll eventually let go of thinking and planning and guarding myself against possible mistakes 3 months from now. What control do I honestly have over 6 months out? 2 months out? 4 years out? Why does fear of these times affect me NOW? I have very little choice in life in the grand scheme of things. But I have a choice RIGHT NOW. I can choose to focus on who GOD is. I can choose to cling to His promises. I can choose to expect Him to use me in my job, in my church, and in my relationships. I can choose to let others love me as long as they want to keep trying to. I can choose to tell fear Who my Dad is, and what He has to say about it:

Isaiah 41:10 (New International Version, ©2010)

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

2010-12-18T14:18:00.000-08:00

I am a control freak.

There. I said it. It ain't news, and it's not that rare among strong-willed, mildly capable women. But it is probably one of the two biggest barriers to me loving someone well. It's also a barrier to me being fully obedient to God, which Jesus actually equates with loving Him, so maybe just one issue at hand here. But man, what a whopper! So step 1: Recognition and Acknowledgement. Check. Step 2: Figure out where it starts and rip it out by the roots. Oy.

I thought about my resources and how far I'd have to go back. So where did I turn? Well, mom, of course. Her response? "Well, honey, you've always been bossy. Some kids are just like that." Nice. That's perfect. I was Type A (but lacking the usually accompanying organizational skills) from the womb....Perfect. Well, that route was a short one and perhaps a dead end.

And I still have no idea how to get to the true background or root of it all. But what I do know is this: my fake sense of control and need for it means I lack faith. It means I'm unaware that my "control" is actually a façade, and I have absolutely no clue how dependent I am on the sovereign God Who loves me and provides breath for me so that I can 1. be in relationship with Him and 2. reflect His glory.

So I'm praying for faith, and trying to battle the thoughts of desperation that make me clench things within my fists of my heart with Truth from God's Word. Basically, all of Matthew 6 where He talks about the lilies of the field and how beautiful they are. He speaks about how God provides for them but cares infinitely more for us, so why would we not be cared for? It's a logical progression. I want to love Him more. I want to understand more about His love for me. Then, faith's not that much of a stretch. Who wouldn't want to let go and lean into an extravagant, radical, completing love like THAT?

2010-12-06T22:10:00.000-08:00

I'm warning you...

They're going to come at you via rapid fire. That's just what I'm feeling tonight. My friend Natalie always dogs me for not blogging more, and I want to. There are things that I think and want to share, but I either don't take the time or decide it's not blog-appropriate. So here's the quick run-through:

God is blowing my mind with how He's stretching my faith. Those of you who really know me know how long I've wanted to be in a relationship. And now I am. And there is more fear in my heart about loving well and being loved than there was about being alone. Oy! Who saw that one coming?
I want to somehow start a makeup ministry. I know that sounds weird, but I keep getting opportunities to help my girlfriends get started in celebrating womanhood through cometics and makeup techniques. I love this stuff! There has to be a way it can turn into something of eternal value. Yeah? Why can't I use one means of influence for another?
I am right-brained. No, for real, I'm talking way right-brained. I like black and white and staying in the lines so much that my counselor assigned me the homework of doing a watercolor! She wants me to see the colors blend and mix and make beauty from chaos. It gives me a furrowed brow even considering STARTING such a task since I have no vision as to where to go or how to get there. I have no artistic vision or creativity in this type of scenario. I bought the supplies today. I'll let you know how that goes.
This was the worst one: It takes absolute heart crisis for me to set aside time and energy to truly seek God's face in prayer. I'm serious. This week I've been at the edge of sanity a couple of times, and I've never prayed harder or listened more closely in prayer. I love that I'm learning it, and I love how accessible God seems when I get quiet enough to meet with Him. Man, why have I not been doing this for decades?! Seriously?!
I've asked almost every married woman I've encountered in the past week why she picked him. I'm too old to be naive enough to just fall in love, ride it out, and see what happens. And what I realize is that it's actually a faith issue, not an age issue. So I'm growing in that- well, in both, I guess.
I hyperfocus on things that bring me joy...so much so that I fall apart anytime they waiver. People are imperfect, so when I put that pressure on people, my sin wave (warning: geometry term!) of emotion has some dramatic peaks and troughs. I would like with all my heart to have my source of joy anchored in the One and only God who is unchanging. The One who is Immutable. The One who saw my today before I was even a thought (Psalm 139:16).

I would like to be consistent at resting in the Hands of a loving God who is constantly working in me to make me holy (Phil. 1:6), is working things for good in my life (Rom. 8:28), and who rewards those who earnestly seek Him (Heb. 11:6). THAT's where I want to live.

And that's what's been going on. I realize tonight that maybe I'm not a ministry blogger. I'm aware that this post and many others are self-indulgent and much like putting my thoughts on a billboard. But I figure if there are things God is teaching me, maybe it will benefit someone else to hear them. If not, well, then, you're all responsible for holding me accountable. I'll become a writer for ministry later in life. Or maybe I won't. I'm not running this show. You'll have to take that up with Him. ;)

2010-09-22T23:28:00.000-07:00

Some musings from tonight...

What if worship was always our priority? The truth is that it always is; it's just the object of our worship that changes. So what I mean is: what if we constantly stopped to "Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His Name" (Psalm 29:2) or were consciously still to remember that He is God, and that He WILL be exalted in all the earth (Psalm 46:10)?

Don't you think our perspective on ANY situation might change a bit? I wonder how much worry would be assuaged or never even experienced? I wonder how much hurt would be healed and how much love and forgiveness would be poured out of our lives if we regularly looked at Who God is, how He works, and who we are in light of those.

Hmm... I wonder...

2010-08-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

The Gospel: LIVE

If you've ever wondered what it might look like lived out, get to know the Higginbothams. They are a churchplanting couple in downtown Tacoma. Meet Kelli, 25 or so years old, mother of twins less than 1 year old. THIS is the Gospel...

2010-08-01T00:25:00.000-07:00

Untitled

I couldn't begin to think of something to concisely describe or even lead into what I'm about to say...mainly because I don't know what's coming out. So much has happened...so much.

Lots of great things have...and only a couple of negatives. The GOOD: Through increased interaction via KidReach (our church tutoring ministry) and kickball (yep, such a romantic sport), I got to see different pieces - unexpected ones - of a guy I've known for 3 years now, and I concluded that I should try to keep him as mine. Ok, those of you who know me, you can go ahead and include weeks of overthinking, hyperanalyzing, and massive consultation with various believers I respect and trust. ;) Because, well, you know me.

The EVEN BETTER is that through this process of getting know another heart and letting him see mine, God has done some significant healing and eradication of fear and negative expectation. I'm not placing future expectation on our relationship, I'm just saying that meeting a man who is genuine, humble, emotionally secure, considerate, AND beautiful was quite a nice surprise. It blew holes in many of my longstanding theories. And I was happy to let it!

More GOOD: Dad, Lecia, Daron, and Kellen trucked it up here for our last family vacay before Daron and Ryan's wedding (in two weeks!) the first part of June. We brought Kyle on a beautiful hike over Rattlesnake Ledge before heading to Vancouver to check out the sights. It was a great time building sweet memories (like ziplining at 60 mph!), and it was probably one of our best vacations as a family so far.

Still more GOOD: Toward the end of June, I was able to head to Florida to the beach with Mom, Lee, Jada, Payten, and Jacob (Jada's boyfriend- now fiancee). I love the Gulf Coast. I'm super-white, I burn easy, and yet I can't get enough of just sitting contently in a chair under an umbrella on the beach with my family. It's the best. Well, that, and the fact that we go out to eat every night at amazing restaurants, go shopping at one of my favorite outlet malls, and enjoy the warm, balmy night weather down there.

The TOUGH: Then Kyle moved to Germany for 13 months (at least). This was his plan from before we started hanging out, so it wasn't a surprise. But that didn't make it any less hard to see him go. I just don't date that much...ever. And I found someone I really want to risk on. And then I don't get to have him...here, anyway. Praise the Lord for Skype. No, I'm serious. It allows me to not only hear him, but to see his pretty face at the same time.

The CRAPPY: I came home from work Tuesday of this week, turned my key in the front door, and saw a teenage girl running across my living room toward my back door. At first, I racked my brain trying to figure out why she would be there, and then it hit me: she shouldn't be. So I ran around the house to try to catch her. I saw her run into the alley behind my street, and chased her from about 10 yards behind until I realized there was no chance. And then the worst hit me: She had my laptop. I saw the purple flash over her shoulder, and my worst fear was confirmed. How was I going to Skype with Kyle? How would we ever make this long-distance thing? What about my music? My pictures? My life? As I was calling 911, I cased the neighborhood twice in my car, asking everyone I saw if they had seen her. Twenty-five minutes later, the cops showed up. Then my pastor did. Then Kyle's mom called to tell me she was bringing me her laptop to use in the interim. In the midst of trial, I can clearly see I'm blessed. The forensics people came out and dusted. The girl had taken the screen off and climbed in a cracked window at the back of my house...in broad daylight...around 4pm. No news. I don't expect to ever get it back. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do until I can buy a new computer. My home insurance deductible doesn't make it worth it to file a claim.

The LESSON: I've never been more aware of the lack of control I have in life. Part of that is a victory from the counseling I started back at the end of March. And it was one of the main pieces of advice Dr. Gregory gave me in dealing with Kyle leaving. Grasping for glimpses of my future is the most desperate attempt to NOT have to trust in God. And so far, the area I have the least experience in trusting God in is letting another person into the romantic parts of my heart. I've just been so wounded, regretful, and deflated in my past experiences.

More about CONTROL: I only get to decide how I react to opportunities. And they're all opportunities, whether seemingly good or bad. They're opportunities for God to show me more about Who He is, how He loves me, and what He's created me for. And even bigger, to show me what His greater picture is about, and THAT has very little to do with me. It's about perspective, and I want mine to change.

I turned 28 recently, and with every new year of life, I hit a process of evaluation: what have I built, what am I missing, what should I aspire to in the next few years of life. It can be a strenuous evaluation. I will be the first (and certainly not the last) to tell you that I'm not the most accurate at self-evaluation. And here's where I get to grow. It's not in my control. My OWN life process of growth and becoming more like Christ (Phil. 1:6) is NOT UP TO ME. Do I have a responsibility to pursue Christ and die to self and take up my cross daily? For sure. But how God allows that to materialize in my life is not of my choosing. So I'm asked to REST and TRUST. Geesh. That lesson doesn't get easier, it just changes shape.

He makes All Things New

2010-05-12T00:11:00.001-07:00

Today I spoke with a lady who used to abuse IV drugs. I normally avoid interacting with patients at work for a few reasons: 1. You never know what you're in for. 2. I don't have much patience for the general public, especially those that don't see things the way I do. I know it sounds close-minded; I'm just being honest. Hang out at Walmart around Christmas; tell me how you feel then.

Despite my slight apprehension, I went in open-minded, ready to help address her pain management. I went in to meet a tired-looking lady who had lived a lot of life in not as many years. She described being in a state of underlying pain constantly but because of her past, she didn't want to ask for more meds. I could see in her face and hear in her voice an honest insight into her past failures. I also saw an expectation to presently suffer because of it, almost as a punishment for it.

It made me sad, and I couldn't help but draw the parallel to myself, how I tend to expect myself to keep getting it wrong. I negate Christ's power of forgiveness and redemption and put more emphasis on MY wrongdoing. How sad that must make His heart. Are His mercies truly new and big enough every time or not?

What I wanted to tell that lady was that she didn't have to live under the shadow of her past. There is new Life in Him. He makes beauty out of ashes. We have HOPE in a God Who changes hearts. I have to believe that before I can give it away. Do you?

- Posted on the go...

2010-04-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

The Least of These...

Recently I've had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know some churchplanters in downtown Tacoma. They're a young couple around my age who brought another lady about the same age with them when they moved down from Snoqualmie to work with the inner city population. Now they all live in the heart of one of the most dangerous areas of Tac-town along with a young high school girl and their newborn twins. Their "church" began with feeding hot dogs to the people who played ball at the park on Friday afternoons. They've spent months cultivating relationships, witnessing, and building community.

I've had the pleasure to share a meal with them a couple of times, and hearing their stories about the needs they see and are trying to meet is overwhelming...every time. Bobby, Kelli, and Becca all come from the same background I do: small Christian college that teaches Southern Baptist church planting strategy. And we've been blessed to see and learn how God has moved in that way. But what I keep hearing Bobby say is that there's no book for the task he's been given. I, myself, as I look back over my years of being in church and hearing of hundreds of mission opportunities and organizations, have no personal frame of reference for his ministry. How does one go about trying to help rehabilitate a 40-year-old homeless man who's mind and body have been ravaged by years of drug use and who has no ability to read or write? What does discipleship look like in this setting?

In church planting, after integrating within and mapping out a people group, you hope to envision what a church among those people would look like. Then you identify leaders and train them up to make it happen. Who are the leaders? What do they look like? Bobby says the church he's envisioned for those people has changed shape in his mind and heart about 5 times since he's started. He's clearly a man with big faith that expects and waits on God to move and speak. It's a blessing to know them and get to see their ministry.

Now what about me? I'm left with that question. There are needs in my neighborhood: some physical, some emotional, all of them spiritual. When I stop to think about it, I'm immediately overwhelmed and paralyzed. But I know God is bigger than those needs. He is.

Sunday, one of the thing's Jon talked about was after the feeding of the 5,000 when the people realized Jesus could seriously meet needs. In John 6 they wanted to make Him king because clearly, if He could meet that one, He could probably take care of all of their needs. So as One Who held answers, they asked, "What do we do to do the works of God?" His response was this: "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent."

I was shocked! THAT was my rate-limiting step?! They were asking my question: so what do I DO? His answer was: BELIEVE in ME. He asks me (and you) to believe He IS Who He says He is. He's the Almighty God of all that is. He is I AM. He knows the needs. They're probably even greater than we know. He wants them met more than we can imagine. He plans to use us to meet them. So we must believe and listen. There's a tangible and an intangible response to this lesson. The tangible is the looking for and the saying "yes" when you are given an opportunity. The intangible is the praying, the trusting, and the asking of God to make our hearts and eyes like His. He's doing it in me, slowly but surely. I dare you to join me.

2010-04-27T22:38:00.001-07:00

Homegirl's LEGITTTTT...

Sabbatical...kind of

2010-04-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

I didn't plan on it. I just kept not-posting. I wasn't super-motivated by anything where I felt I needed to share. One thing I've picked up over the past couple of months is that if I have someone I trust that is available day-to-day, my extrovertive outpour is content to relay little life happenings to them. I don't need to tweet, blog, or facebook as much. Living alone has pushed me towards a yearning for community that can render me slightly electronically obnoxious. And I know that. But a ENTP's gotta go somewhere with it, so you'll have to learn to deal. I'm choosing to allow myself grace in that space right now. I'll check back in on that one later.

Since I last posted, both Natalie and Jen, two of my oldest and dearest friends have come to visit. Nat brought her fun and hilarious husband Brad and their beautiful 2-year-old daughter Dakota. I only got to see them one night, but it was great having them around. Nat's pregnant with their second, so it may be a bit before they get to travel like that again from Memphis.

Jen is a friend that was in my group of freshmen when I was an orientation counselor at Union my junior year. That was my last year at UU, but we somehow managed to forge a serious bond that's kept on until now. She's seen me through so much. It amazes me we're still friends when I think about some of what we've overcome together. I was so blessed to spend time with her, gush about life and theories, and know I was safe to be myself without fear of conditional acceptance.

I've been and continue to be BLESSED. This return post ended up quite the cheesy dedication, but if you're faulting me for gratitude, I'm gonna say that's your own problem. Read Jonathan Acuff if you need a blogger with more entertainment factor. ;) There have been quite a few lessons learned in my silence (limited to my blog, of course-my silence). I'll throw out some of them soon.

This was for you, Nat. As you requested, sister...

- Posted on the go...

Isaiah 41:17-20

2010-03-05T12:39:00.000-08:00

I'm realizing that God's heart for the poor and needy goes so much farther than JUST meeting their need and bringing them out of the brokenness. He's gracious alone in His act of just hearing us. I mean, let's get serious. Who is man, that He is mindful of us? (Psalm 8). If you need a little reminder to put this in perspective, read Isaiah 40 before going further.

But His grace to us abounds in that He reveals Himself to us! He shows us what is TRULY good. Having our physical or temporal needs met is valuable, yes. But how much greater a gift is knowing and being known by the LIVING GOD?!

The extent He went to in order to bridge the chasm our sin causes is the testament of this great love. Weak illustration: would you ever be willing to die so that you could be in relationship with that person that cut you off on traffic, or that coworker that's a jerk, or that random stranger that believes something different than you do? Well, He was. And He did. And that enemy was me...and you.

And He just keeps loving us. How amazing IS this grace?! As Sara Groves said in her song "Add to the Beauty", it's an invitation to be beautiful. Are you in?

- Posted on the go...

2010-02-26T00:40:00.000-08:00

Guard Your Heart

It was a fabulous discussion tonight among my peers as I sat around a table with them in our local (and trusty favorite) coffeeshop for our usual Thursday night meeting. It was an intimate group of five, much smaller than our usual 8-13, but the participation was no less energetic than what has become our norm. Interestingly the topic discussion centered around forgiveness and what that should look like lived out after saying the phrase. This led to a delineation of "healthy boundaries", which inadvertantly veered us towards guy/girl relationships, and you can see where this is headed...

I won't bore you (or maybe fire you up) with one of my usual sermonettes on the topic. In fact, I honestly just wanted to share a beautiful description my friend Jean the Firefighter (as he's affectionately known by the group) enlightened me with tonight. It wasn't that the pieces of truth he was relaying were new; it was the overall integration of them into a verbal flow diagram that wowed me.

Now bear with me as I try to retell this... I don't have that dude's massive wingspan and pertinent hand gestures to paint the picture for you. He talked about how two people getting to know each other should take time and have certain boundaries for intimacy regarding emotional, spiritual, and physical purity. As these two learn more and decide to keep walking together, the boundaries slightly change in order to allow for a growing together of the individuals over time and within healthy contexts (because there's little room for the physical boundaries to move outside of marriage). If the two are guarded and wisely "not awakening love until it so desires" as the Song of Songs states, then they are more apt to see and heed red flags in the relationship. I Peter 4:8 says that "love covers over a multitude of sins". Usually that's great, but we've all seen this backfire, right? We've all seen the girl who stays with a fool because "she's in love; she can't help it.". Well, there were some decisions that got her there...or maybe no decisions where some were needed. Maybe she just "went with her heart". I won't slip too far into Bitter betty about the "emotions" surrounding romance, but I challenge you to read Jeremiah 17:9.

Christ loves perfectly, and He calls us to love well also. But there are wise ways to love, and Solomon warns not to awaken love (of a romantic sense) prematurely multiple times in that book. He knew we'd need to be reminded.

So take Prov. 4:23 to heart. Don't use it as a shield against vulnerability, but as a map on how to step in getting to know others. Love of any kind is a risk, but our hope and security is safe in Him alone. So love big and love well!

Here's Jean further expounding upon these points:

"A couple of foundational things we talked about to help understand the reasons/purposes for these things:

1. We are created to experience the fullness of life that God has for us to its greatest extent within the bounds of rules/laws. They aren't just do's and don'ts, but have our best interests in mind so we can experience all that God has for us. So it would be illogical to assume that this would not also apply to relationships.

2. The purpose of that strong intimacy/love within the bounds of marriage. God established the marriage covenant to be lifelong between one man and one woman. So the strong physical/emotional/spiritual intimacy between husband and wife serve to protect the marriage and keep it strong by enabling them to forget about petty little things they might not like about each other. This is a good thing that God designed. We screw it up when we don't do it according to His plan, we enter into that deep intimacy too early and overlook huge things that could decide whether or not you should spend your life with that person.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
- God knows this, He made it that way.
Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
- God knows this too, we made it that way through our sinful nature.

Wisdom is to learn how God designed the world and us to be and live within that framework so we can experience Him to the fullest and have life!"

See? Understand why I love spending this time expanding my mind/heart about the things of God with my peers each week? ;)
- Posted on the go...

Dog Training

2010-02-10T12:11:00.001-08:00

That's kinda how I feel in my walk sometimes. It became evident to me this morning that God tends to use discontentment like a leash in my life. I get easily distracted by shiny or new or fun, and I fail to respond to my Master. I no longer listen for His commands or words of affirmation. Then I'm wide open for attack from the Enemy. That guy doesn't even have to get me to sin; he just DISTRACTS me from Who God is and all the implications of Truth on my life. And then I'm just kinda restless...like today.

Regardless of the end result of an overall poopoo mood (I know you're tempted to reuse that.), I'm thankful that He doesn't let me get too far. Even though it's frustrating, embarassing at times, and it ALWAYS makes me feel foolish to realize I needed it- I'm thankful. He's gracious to love me intensely, jealously, and perfectly. His jealousy for my affection saves me being a lover of ashes for very long.

I can find that no where else. Eat that, Liar!

- Posted on the go...

2010-02-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

Wow...

That's all I can say after hearing this. Eugene Cho, pastor of Quest Church up in Seattle honkin' rocked my face off with this sermon entitled "The Theology of Singlehood". I feel convicted and empowered. So snuggled up on your couch with your laptop, a pen, and some paper and soak it up. You won't be sorry.

01.24.10 A Theology of Singlehood from Quest Church on Vimeo.

And just in time for Valentine's Day!

Oh, Romans...

2010-01-25T13:02:00.000-08:00

How I love thee! Maybe it's the thinker in me, but that book honkin' rocks my face off. It's chock full of the reasoning mechanism behind God's plan of salvation for mankind. Being the science mind and basing most of my job on natural laws of science, for God to give Paul this insight into the natural workings of man's heart and His plan to redeem them is a delight to digest!

And as heady as the material can be, it's so simple! I can't get past Rom. 4:20-22. Much of Romans mentions Abraham and how his faith was credited to him as righteousness. But ask the question WHAT is "saving faith"?

Is it different than believing the sun will come out tommorow? Or that the Bible is God's Word? Or that the earth is round?

Check verse 21 and brace yourself: "fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised." Wow. That's it? But what would that look like? How would that change us?

Would we still be fearful? Worriers? Disgruntled? Impatient? Man, the ramifications of THAT kind of faith are honkin' limitless. Let's try it. Who's with me?

I'm tearing up. I think my cup must be small- or maybe it's that He's THAT big- because the overflow from Him sharing Truth to my heart is abundant recently. Thank You, Lord.

- Posted on the go...

2010-01-22T22:31:00.000-08:00

Snowboarding Day 2

It was a really good day today, at least the first half of it. God woke me up before my alarm, and the sun was out all day. I was able to get some things done at the house before I headed over to Snoqualmie for my second attempt at snowboarding. Armed with a board and boots (x2, actually) that I'd borrowed from friends for test-driving, I made the beautiful drive up for some afternoon boarding.

Got there, got my gear, got my bindings adjusted, and things in some ways were better and in other ways worse than I expected.

I've completely shanked heading down heel-edge, which was my more comfortable stance on Day 1. The one time today I tried it was disastrous. So...that skill is currently under construction.
I think I actually prefer riding goofy. I felt way more comfortable and in control with my right foot downhill. It appears that I ride a snowboard like I shoot pool: as a lefty.
Slush can be good...or bad. Easier on the backside, but can be tricky when you're trying to carve. After the hill's been ridden for a while, the slush gets super-uneven, so it can sneak up on you at times and make you catch an edge you weren't planning for. (Or maybe it's just me.)
I noticed that I tend to head down the mountain with a smirk on my face...even when I've fallen. It may even turn to a slight out-stuck (can I say that?) tongue when recovering from a fall. But either way, it's just fun. And my face shows it. (Shocker, I know)
Like many other activities in my life, I tend to talk to myself while I'm doing this...because I'm the only one I know there. I'm not sure and don't really care whether anyone else noticed.
I've decided I'm a natural. Yep, it's just what I've decided. And sometimes I actually believe it...just waiting for my skillz to show it. ;)
The lift is the bain of my existence. It was a constant battle.
Times I made it off the lift without busting my tail or my hands: 2
Times I cracked my tailbone (I think) = times I got the breath knocked out of me = times I tried by heel edge = 1.
The main thing I'm learning in this process: HUMILITY

I'm only partially kidding. This whole process puts me in a place where I'm new, I'm inexperienced, and I'm by myself. I'm not a fan of being new at something. Most sports I didn't quickly have a knack for I didn't stick with. That's why you never saw me owning a basketball court. Part of me is glad I go up by myself. I really don't like people to see me not having it together, so falling and fumbling around is less humiliating if I'm not likely to see my audience again.

However, today I left with wierd vision changes. After touching base over the phone with one of our ER docs, I decided it was probably just snow blindness as I didn't wear my goggles most of the day. However, symptoms of headache and nausea became increasingly worse until I made it home and into a lying down position. I started battling the hypochondriac in me as I tried to make sure I wasn't decompensating: hypotension, numbness/tingling in my extremities, and odd word placement in my thoughts. I figured worse case scenario was that I had a head bleed and was losing blood volume. I know, way more dramatic than necessary...which is why I decided NOT to visit my ER friends for an MRI. I think my friend nailed it when he said I know too much for my own good...just adds material for my usual hyperanalysis.

But barring disaster in the near future, I still plan on getting good. Now my objective is to make it through my ER shifts this weekend without having to sit on a doughnut cushion. ;)

People Are Delicious

2010-01-19T19:37:00.000-08:00

Before you get freaked out or report me for cannibalistic tendencies, let me explain.

I get the opportunity to sit around a table every week with 8-10 of my peers and discuss life, faith, and our personal journeys. And these people are amazing...in so many way and for so many different reasons. I love seeing and witnessing the deposit of Himself God has placed in those around me. They're beautiful!

And it just keeps getting better. We keep getting new faces with new stories He's been writing. As an observer and amateur social analyst, I have a field day with these people. They emit humor (very clever humor, I might add); they spout wisdom and encouragement; and they call me friend! How delicious it is to soak it all up. I don't even mind that the humor is often at my expense (and sometimes self-inflicted).

They each deserve a post. Each person has their own specific flavor incorporating their personality, their outlook, their passion, their career, their experience, and their communication style. You can see how blessedly diverse this group can be. You can also see how this group of parts coming together to make a whole wafts a beautiful Aroma through our trusty Origin 23 coffeeshop every Thursday night.

"But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of Him everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing."
- 2 Corinthians 2:14-15 -
- Posted on the go -

2010-01-16T13:11:00.000-08:00

His Name

I'm reading through Isaiah 37 where Hezekiah has made a plea to the Lord due to the threat of King Sennacherib of Assyria. He prayed hard to the God he knew could deliver him. So Isaiah brings God's response, and it gets my heart fired up. It starts in verse 22 and goes through verse 35.

Verse 23 is the initial kicker for me. God mocks Sennacherib by asking basically who the feez homeboy thinks he's messing with. He answers His own question by calling Himself "THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL". Wow. I see in Zondervan's NIV concordance that this Name for God is used many times in Isaiah, a couple of times in Jeremiah and the Psalms. (I might have missed an instance in my quick skim, but I think that's it.) All of Isaiah is about God's love relationship with Israel: various threats from nearby kingdoms, His constant desire that they would turn to trust Him instead of the works of their hands or weak alliances, and His radical pursuit of their hearts. He does this through blessing and cursing, bringing attacks and defending them against others, and telling them of future destruction and salvation through Isaiah. I can't imagine that he was a very popular dude.

But wow, when Sennacherib sends his henchman, the Rabshekah, to declare his future victory over Israel, I picture a quasi-WWF scene where the obnoxious ignorant dude grabs the mic and talks a bunch of smack about how bad he'll put a hurtin' on those folks, making sure to mock all that they trust in and see as important. And he's not doing so bad until he lumps the Holy One of Israel into that heap of things he's making light of. Um, who has that ever gone well for? I'm sure they taught history back then, but this kid needs brushing up...for serious. He must've really been convincing, though, because Hezekiah and HIS folks are shaken up. They're in sackcloth and ashes mode immediately. And Hezekiah does what he knows works: he takes it to the sovereign God of the universe, the Holy One of Israel.

And God, in His usual format, does NOT mince words. He points out that He's always been in control, regardless of who Assyria has conquered. He's still been writing that script (verses 26-28). Then in verse 29, He speaks of how he will put His reigns on them. He will put His hook in their nose and make them go where He wants. Can you imagine? How humiliating?! He goes in until verse 35 explaining in detail exactly how He will bring that about.

And then He does. One angel goes out and mows down 185,000 of those Assyrian dudes. He does NOT mess. But what kills me is that even after this and after displays of God's power/strength/provision/protection in my own life, the Israelites still doubted. They still turned at times to trust something else. And so do I. How tragic. This God Who has written this beautiful love story to a people He made to KNOW HIM about redemption, salvation, and eternal communion with Him, the Source of all that is GOOD, loves and knows ME. Read that sentence again. Write it on my heart, Lord, the Holy One of Israel.

2010-01-11T22:29:00.000-08:00

My Story

I'm seeing more of it. I had mentioned during a previous post that my life at this cross-section was not exactly what I had projected at various timepoints throughout my development: not at 6, not at 16, not at 23, you see where I'm going with this. My choice was to step back, and re-evaluate based on the premise that God is the perfect Author. He has all my days written in His book before one of them comes to pass (Psalm 139:16). I've been needing (for a while now) to get on track with what He's writing. So I am. And it's good stuff.

One of the things I've been asking Him to show me is my eternal impact. I loved my college years because I was constantly surrounded by peers trucking down the same path I was: thought processes based on Kingdom work, new doctrinal insights imparted from a Christian author or speaker, and an overall urgency that people know Jesus. Any one day could be filled with multiple conversations that would rock my heart, soul, and mind to the core about Who God was. It was a rich and sweet time, to say the least. But now I'm a 40-hr/week kinda girl. And I go to church. Don't get me wrong: It's not exactly that simple, but from the outside looking in, one might perceive it as such. I'm definitely plugged in at my church. I love that place. I wouldn't be able to be just a spectator. In fact, I've been given some amazing opportunities to learn, be loved, give, and grow at Discovery.

But I want more. That can't be it. Doesn't Jesus have plenty to say about how easy it is to love those who love us back? Don't get me wrong: Community is HARD...and MESSY, but ALWAYS worth it. If you don't think so, you haven't stuck with it long enough to see the beauty redeemed from ashes. That was a side bar, so back to my original plight: I want to know that what I do Monday through Friday still has eternal impact.

I've been trying to look and listen. Don't snicker, I am aware it's not the most immediate action in my nature. And at work last week, one of my coworkers walked into my office. I happened (yeah, right, like there's room for coincidence with a sovereign God like ours) to be alone in there because my student had to use another computer since the second one in my office was broken. My friend asked me to pray for her about a job opportunity, for direction concerning it. Much to her surprise, I asked if I could just pray with her right there. So we did. The next day she reported that God had already given her an answer. So I was pumped!

Then this weekend I was working down in the ER, which I love with my whole heart. So much of that has to do with the staff down there. I just love those people. There's such a comraderie, and for some reason, they've let me into their clan. I was having a chat about teenagers with a coworker, and we got into a discussion on parenting. We talked a little about why kids are the way they are these days and the changing dynamic in the family units. And out of nowhere, she got a little teary-eyed, so of course, I followed suit...at the computers...at the nurses station. I became immediately aware of my opportunities and that if I weren't listening, looking, and connected to Him, I would miss them.

Now I'm more expectant. I've seen that He is able to overcome the slightly Type A, sometimes disgruntled, impatient pharmacist, and USE ME. And what does it require? Guess. I've said it on here a milllion times, and I will continue to proclaim it: A YES! That's all He asks for. He's faithful to do the rest. Please check out Eph. 2:10. Actually, start in verse 8. Ask yourself this: how much of this is up to me? And what is my response to be? The answers are NONE and BELIEVE; and WALK in His ways. They're laid out already. Just walk in them.

2010-01-09T00:16:00.000-08:00

SNOWBOARDING
Chapter 1

After years of attempts with little improvement, I said goodbye to skis today. I had gotten better at various intervals (by Day 3 in Teluride circa spring break 03 or so or the first half of a day on the mountain), but it STILL felt like every trip down could be my last. I feel like that should not be the sentament with which you approach a leisure activity. So figuring that I'm decent in terms of coordination and most sports (at least average, maybe), I concluded that snowboarding might be my gig.

I'm not one to waste time when I want something, and I want the most bang for my buck. So I invested in private lessons to begin my snowboarding adventure. GREAT idea. Seriously, I'm so glad I did. My homie AJ did a bombin' job of showing me the ropes and making me feel like I was catching on quickly. He even laughed at my jokes without charging me extra. We even did an extra run on the lift after my time was up. I only almost killed myself once, getting off the lift of course. Twisted my ankle bad and heard pops, but I made it down fine... and for 3 more times after that. ;)

I went up a little nervous: about going by myself, about killing myself on the board, about being really bad at it and that frustrating me. I'm not the most patient person (Shocker, I know), and so being new (and bad) at a sport can frustrate me quickly. But I never got angry today. And I left hopeful and pumped about heading back up. That never happened with skiing. The rest of my thoughts I'm going to throw into some bullets. It's gonna be random fire, so consider yourself warned.

I bought knee pads today...to prevent recurrence of the beasthammond bruises that currently reside atop my kneecaps. I need one for my sacrum, but that might look awkward in my boarding pants. ;)
I'm glad I went up by myself. Falling and flailing around in the snow on that board was way more comfortable in front of my instructor AJ (who's trained and used to seeing such sadness) than any of my current friends, even when I almost took that kid out sliding nearly directly into him.
I can do this. I mean, I'm excited and expectant to eventually be good at it. It's a good feeling.
I haven't recently prayed for humility (because that bought be a broken leg once), but there was some inflicted by today's activities.
Driving up there and seeing the mountains reminded me of so much: why I love living here, how much beauty is in such close range, and how just seeing that scenery is peaceful.
As I was driving home, I started thinking how if God can orchestrate all the nutrients, weather conditions, etc. to sustain the life of each of those trees atop those mountains, it's highly likely (and completely true!) that He is more than capable of handling my meager existence. I loved it, feeling small but seen. Read more in Matthew 6.

Overall, it was just a rich day between me and God. I think AJ thought I was kidding, but the sun came out at one point, and I informed him that I had prayed for that. He then asked me to pray for snow, which I did silently, and guess honkin' what? It totally snowed - even a few of the good fat flakes - during my lesson. Absolutely no coincidence. I worshipped on my drive home. I didn't even have any trouble seeing the road through the tears; it was great. I'm planning on heading back up on Monday. Until my next snowboarding adventure...

2010

2010-01-03T23:34:00.001-08:00

So I wussed out and couldn't think of a better title...or didn't really want to take the time to...do it. I'm gonna attribute the awkward ending of that sentence to a conversation I had with my small group about grammar. I confessed then that my biggest struggle, and it's a consious one, is ending sentences with prepositions. I just want to! Geesh.

But my first blog of 2010 is not going to be an earth-shattering one. I can't say that I've even been emotionally invested in the fact that it's a new year. Woops. I said it (or typed it). But I have been assessing my life and thinking about positive changes I want to see. They're not new. I wanted the same things in November and December of 2009, and like I discussed with my small group as well today, I have yet to make any effort towards incorporating these changes into my life. I keep waiting on better but doing nothing about it. And yep, you guessed it, that's a fruitless and disappointing place.

But this weekend I've been a little more desperate. I've wanted to see God do something more than last week or last year. I need to see the eternal impact my life is and is not making. I need to be drawn near to God's heart so I can know and walk in His way for me. That will take specific steps on my part: mainly being in the Word and in prayer. The community part I love and regularly take part in; the setting aside of time and meditation on things of eternal value outside of myself is not as frequent, sadly.

And I know He'll meet me there. He already has. Tonight I took a nap after small group dreading the onset of Sunday night sadness when I woke up. For some reason the end of the weekend, the looming start to the week, is a lonely place for me. But when I awoke, I looked around at how cozy my little house looked. I didn't feel alone. I felt Him near. I knew He was El Roi, the God Who sees, in that moment.

I know I'm not alone. I know He's at work in my life. I'm praying my emotional fortitude will catch up to my head knowledge of Truth. And I'm welcoming 2010 with hopeful anticipation.

- Posted on the go...

Funny email

2009-12-31T13:40:00.001-08:00

I get some funny ones from my stepmom or aunt, and here was a great ending for one today:

The Senility Prayer

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and te eyesight to tell the difference.

Oh, this was funny to me. Thought I'd share.

- Posted on the go...

Christmas 2009

2009-12-24T12:27:00.001-08:00

This Christmas has taken me by storm. I've been anticipating my trip home to see family since November, and I'm sad to say that it's overshadowed what this season means. As I'm sitting on my last flight, eagerly anticipating running into the arms of my dad and Lecia (dangit, I'm tearing up now), I decided to stop and ponder this Miracle we celebrate.

My first step was to repent of putting family and what made me comfortable above Him and His immeasurable Gift to the world through His Son. Stop and let this simmer: THE SAVIOR HAS COME! The One foretold for hundreds of years by the OT prophets is now here! Immanuel, God with us! Can you imagine how those who knew must have felt? All of this time, since the beginning of Creation has been pointing to this One!

I prayed God would help me understand what this meant to them and what it means to me. GOD IS WITH US. The God Who hid Himself in the Holy of Holies, the God Who veiled Himself so that Moses might not die from His glory, is now in human form! A baby born in a manger! How amazing His plan is. How LONG He prepared the way for His coming. How long He promised Israel salvation through Him and now to all who would believe!

Forgive me, Father, for making light of this...this INCREDIBLE thing that You have done! This intricate Story that has been woven throughout Creation is the Source of HOPE. It is THE path to salvation! Through Him; it all starts with the babe in a manger.

Forgive me for minimalizing, for institutionalizing, memorizing, and reciting. Forgive me for not pausing, meditating, being transformed by this amazing plan You have authored and orchestrated since the Beginning. You are the Author and the Origin of love and Truth and all that is good.

Jesus's birth that we celebrate represents HOPE to all who believe. Father, I ask that You would make that hope clear! I ask that You would raise it up like a banner through Your Body to shine into the darkness! I ask that You would hollow us out, whittle us down, mold us until we are simple vessels for You. My life could have no greater purpose! There is no greater aspiration than to be poured out by and for You. Make it so in me, Lord, make it so.

- Posted on the go...

2009-12-09T21:31:00.000-08:00

Prov. 3:5-6

Oh, how I love this passage. I really do. And I believe it. I believe we have a simple and direct promise hidden there...most of the time.

Most of the time I buy this. Most of the time I will bank my hopes and dreams on this. But not always. This was made painfully clear to me by a friend this week. And wow, am I thankful. And I'm embarassed. I should be.

For some reason, I have always been a keen observer of relationships between girls and guys. Even before I even had any experience to speak from, I could read the situations relatively well for my friends in order to offer valid and applicable advice. My aptitude for observation and drawing relationships of behavior (like a true science mind) bode well for my study. I learned a lot, and I think my true motive was ultimately self-preservation. In high school, it was my number one goal to not be "that girl", the girl that looked stupid for going back to the egotistical guy that had cheated on her and lied about it time and time again. Logically, I knew high school relationships weren't likely to be life-long, so why were these girls so open to giving second chances? Life's too short for that. And I couldn't believe self-respect would look like that.

Anyway, I'll spare you the long path of revised observations I've traveled since then. Maybe there'll be podcasts to come on each of those chapters. ;) There are a couple of pieces or theories that I've carried with me all this way that are now a source of strife. Those are what I want to get out here (and hopefully out of my knapsack on this journey).

One of them comes from about 10-14 years of age. I remember thinking that if I wasn't married by 26, I was a total failure. I figured I better hang up all hope at that point. The plan was to have all my kids (and I want about 5) cranked out by 32. We'll see if I even get started by then. And here recently, I've noticed myself literally experiencing toned-down versions of the stages of grief. I literally have to put that dream to rest. It has to die. Put best by my friend and spiritual mentor Rob Weideman "You have to put your dreams to death. They have to die. Only then can God make something beautiful from the ashes." (I think I paraphrased that slightly, because my memory got blurry with both of us tearing up during this conversation...in the middle of a coffee shop.) About a month ago was the sadness phase, and a few weeks ago the anger phase set in. I could feel myself being hardened to romance, love, etc. I wanted Taylor Swift banned from the radio. I got nauseous during New Moon and wanted to correct the delusional Twilight characters. I think I even tried to be too realistic to my young high school friend and in turn almost dashed her hopes and dreams of every dude loving with the intensity of homeboy from the Notebook. (P.S. I have issues with that move as well.) So I've been praying for God to bring hope. I need renewal. He's the Author and Giver of all things that are good (James 1:17). I just keep praying for a good story.

Another part is that I was super-limited on how I thought this whole thing could go down. I'm still working on being more open-minded. But the most convicting part about all this came last night when I had a minor meltdown over a super-insignificant deal. And my faithful friend for years and years Casey asked me the right questions, the hard ones that left me without excuse. He pointed out the irony of my request: I want something to spring up organically with me in control and having figured out the situation the whole way through. Yeah, I know. Hilarious, right? But legit. That's what I want. I realized that the reason I spend so much time thinking and analyzing this area of my life is that it's the one I trust God the least with. BOOM. There was the gunshot. That was when my heart hit the floor. I don't trust Him. I am who Heb. 11:6 is talking about: "Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him." Wow.

I claim this in every other area. It's ridiculous how hypocritical I am about this. If God told me tomorrow to pick up and truck it to Africa, I think with some prayer and affirmation, I would GO. I truly believe that. I recently had a situation that tested my faith, and God changed my heart. I'm learning to trust Him with that as well. But THIS. This life desire and scientific pursuit? It's mind-blowing how much free time I would have and how much emotion wouldn't be wasted. What a great distraction from the Enemy. He's dang good at his job.

So there. I said it. I've confessed, and I'm repenting. I will learn to claim Heb. 11:6 AND Prov. 3:5-6 in all areas regarding my heart. Thanks for "listening".

Thank You for the Contrast

2009-12-06T00:38:00.001-08:00

Recent weeks have been full of blah. Not that there haven't been good things happen or fun experiences, but an undercurrent of discontent washes out most of that. As an idealist and a hyper-analyst, I become burdeningly aware of how askew the world (and my life) is from God's best. Add that to a sense of mourning for my former dreams and expectations for what my life would look like at this point and it gets pretty dreary.

But tonight it clicked. Tonight and this weekend have been unexpectedly great. And I wouldn't know how great if I didn't have the contrast of the previous weeks. In our tiny little human perspectives, we require so much staging for us to see what God wants us to see. Tonight I'm thankful for the valley. It makes the peaks immensely more victorious.

I will be here as long as He has plans for His glory to be revealed through my life, and I eagerly await the day I get to leave all this for eternity with Him. But until then, I will rejoice in the Hope that does not disappoint. I will praise the One from Whom all goodness flows. For from Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen. (Rom. 11:36)

- Posted on the go...

Just in Time...

2009-11-04T23:08:00.001-08:00

I know the story's going to be a bombin' one, but do all the recent chapters have to end with me sitting on my tail, feeling a little like God's looking at me, kinda chuckling? I write this almost laughing at the irony that occurred today. Nothing big, and I'm pretty sure I can't explain it in a way that will communicate the weight it had to me personally. But wow, are you kidding me?! My only response was to let out a seriously high-pitched squeal that I hope my neighbors couldn't hear...only to follow it up with audible speaking to God about the situation with slight irritation. Again, if you've been to my house, you know that presently I don't really have much barrier to keep my living room private. So if the squeal didn't alarm my neighbors, perhaps seeing me walk around muttering seemingly to myself did. ;).

All in all, it's funny. Hilarious, actually. Perfect. Ask me in a few months. I'll fill you in on the details.

- Posted on the go...

2009-09-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

Evangelism derailed?

I was wrapping up discipleship time with Mary (our pastor's oldest daughter, a fabulous sophomore in HS) with prayer when I was interrupted by a stern knock on my door. I'm always surprised by unexpected visitors, because I rarely ever get one outside of a delivery man. I see a 19-year-old-looking guy and a dude in his early twenties, both decked out in suits but not matching. So I ruled out Mormons but not yet Jehovah's Witnesses.

I'll preface the rest of my story by saying there's no telling what I'll actually describe of this encounter. I've had so many conflicting thoughts all evening following it that it should be interesting to see what floats to the surface during this alotted timeframe. That's what I love about blogging: I plan all day what I should communicate, sit down to type, and then a whole other beast ends up on the post. So here goes...

They start by inviting me to their church, Liberty Baptist, and then ask me if I attend a church here. I explain my church is about to have their grand opening this Sunday. Their church actually used to meet at Giaudrone years ago, so we spent a few min connecting about the woes of the mobile church before they launched into a spiel I was toooo familiar with: "If you were to die right now, would you go to Heaven? Why or why not?"

Having been through multiple evangelism training sessions and whole mission trips devoted to this method, I was equipped with my answer: "Yes, because Jesus Christ died for my sins." I was met with an unexpected amount of distrust.

"Yes, but He died for everyone's sins, that doesn't mean everyone is going to Heaven." Or something along those lines. I was a bit flabbergasted at this point. Immediately I'm at the crossroads of many options: Do I start taking this kid through the Roman Road to prove I can do what he's doing right now? That's how VALID I am in my salvation? Do I start ripping off verses to prove my spiritual-ness? Do I pull out my church resume to prove that I am a true believer shown by works? It all seemed like an opportunity for a spiritual whizzing contest if you know what I mean. AND Mary, my mentee is looking on. I factor all this in quickly and respond with:

"Because I have a personal relationship with Him." Again, I must have sounded too rehearsed because the boy wasn't convinced. At this point, his lack of social graces was showing, and his whopping social blindspot was getting annoying. He continued with "Yes, but was there a specific time you asked Jesus into your heart, and you knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that you were saved?"

"Yes" was the calm response I was able to muster before I calmly wrapped things up. I was floored. I turned to Mary with a "can you BELIEVE that?" look and possibly those words. I started running through all the options I could have thrown at them like calmly mentioning doctrinal taboo such as predestination, speaking in tongues, or snake handling just to throw them off. That would be absurd, and I'm glad I chose against those responses.

But I was definitely left with so many questions. Never had I been on this end of one of those "church surveys". Isn't that the PC name for those things? As a receiver, here's what I felt:

Who did this dude think he was to question the validity of my salvation?
It's not his place to delve into the depths of my heart just because he ended up on my doorstep?
What exact phrases was he needing to hear to be satisfied?
As a fellow member in the Spirit, could he not at all sense the Spirit from me? Can't people tell a little bit of that stuff? I know people have in the past.
Was there not a practice run in their training session that could have curbed some of his linebacker evangelism tactic?

And the most concerning thing I was left questioning was:
Do I feel that urgency to bring people to Christ? Is the reality of Hell THAT compelling in my own life?

I don't think it's a coincidence that the sermon I heard on Sunday was one that moved me tears at multiple points because I was asked what I would give up so that my friends and neighbors would come to know Christ. Is their eternal destination a reality to me? Big questions.

I was also left with a sense of guilt for being on the giving end of this method of evangelism, for thinking I could waltz up to someone's front door, coax them into the Sinner's Prayer, keep a tally of converts feeling a sense of victory, and then go about my merry way as if I'd truly done all that was asked of me. And I hope that these kids had plans of assimilation and discipleship for those that were responsive. I pray they did. But I also know that relational evangelism is most effective.

Father, may we be ever so sharp to recognize each and every opportunity to share with others about You and the grace You've so generously afforded us. May we walk around and live out the Truth that You are a God Who changes hearts. Make us vessels, candles, jars of clay. May we be foolishly on display and open books to show the beautiful story You make out of our messes. Pour us out. Loosen our ties to this world. Embolden us with Your LOVE that we might spill over. Be made much of through us.

2009-08-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

Titus 2

I got a piece of that picture tonight. It started with a meeting of the prayer group that met for 5 weeks prior to our services at Discovery (Nicole, Kirstin, and myself). Jon, our pastor, was to connect with us later to talk about future direction for the ministry. We only had one problem: Starbucks was closing in 10 minutes.

Conveniently, Nicole's mom and dad (Chuck and Linda) lived really close by. As soon as we could cook up the idea, Nicole was already on the phone planning the invasion. And before we knew it, we were sitting around the deck table in sweatshirts Chuck had required that we don. While discussing the plans going forward, we were blessed with intermittent morsels from Linda about prayer and about being a young woman in ministry.

Then Jon left, and I think Chuck went inside for a bit (only because I remember ending up with just us girls- I mean, women). And I just wanted to stay there...a long time. I wanted to soak every word Linda was willing to share (and then apologizing for lecturing later) of her wealth of wisdom. It was such a blessing. To have your potential and your present state affirmed by amazing women of God is way more than inspirational. It's discipleship. I've been blessed to have that at my disposal consistently from my own mother. She's always ready to remind me that God has a plan and is constantly at work on me and in me and through me for good.

Now (along with 4 of my favorite friends) I have a church full of those ladies.

2009-08-22T23:35:00.000-07:00

A Bit Odd

Yes, I am...unapologetically so. But I'm also a little frustrated at being considered in the category of a circus freak when it comes to my outlook on dating and the like. And I don't really date that often. No, despite my family's suspicion, I'm not waiting to marry Jesus. And my "requirements" are not a huge list of 85 things that they have to meet. I promise! At my age and level of understanding of the whole dating/love/compatibility topic (And seriously, people, give me some credit. I've been studying the science of compatibility in detail since my college years. I got tons of data to work with.), I've narrowed what I NEED - and yes, I feel comfortable saying need - down to 3 things.

And I don't go around thinking every man (to be a man) needs to have these three things. I'm not judging you or your husband or your brother. I'm not picking out people that I could be friends with. I'm not saying all godly men look like my 3. When I talk about my 3, I'm only referring to one person, and that's a dude I plan on linking my life with for the rest of it. Yeah, it's a big honkin' deal, so I take it pretty seriously. And in the same way, why would I waste anyone's time or emotion "trying things out" if the basics aren't there? I'm not going to start something hoping or expecting someone to change. Get serious! I'm not enough to be changing big stuff for. It's hard enough for us to keep growing and submitting and learning in our walks with Christ without beating ourselves up. None of us need other PEOPLE adding to our concern for unconditional acceptance.

In the same way, I know me. I'm a lot to deal with. I'm not putting myself down; I'm just being honest. I'm intense. And I just think it's fair to me and to a guy that he know more of this intensity before he invests anything and/or asks me to open myself up to a heart opportunity. So if you're coming to the table with "she goes to church, and I think she's pretty", please don't be surprised when I hit turtle-shell mode at opportunities to spend one-on-one time with you. I got room for friends...all day. There are tons of opportunities to hang out with me and my friends in order to get to know ALL of us better. Do that. Put in the time. Study your subject, wherever or whoever the girl is you've set your sights on. Have more specific things that you like about her if you're going to ask her to show parts of her heart to you. P.S. if you come on the scene in friend mode, you've got a way better chance of getting to know the real her. Be patient...but persistent.

I'm pretty sure (and I've been told) that I don't give off the "yeah, I'm totally approachable vibe". That's kinda on purpose (only when it comes to a dating scenario). Again, it's just statistically weak (the chance of compatibility success). So I'll admit there's a piece of defense mechanism to it. I'll say it: no, I don't want to get hurt. Who does? And yes, I've had my heart broken, and I've been wrong about love. So, booya. Yes, I said it. ;) And I believe in God's plan for my life. I believe He's bigger than my fears and my insecurities. I believe He's bigger than my snap judgments and those made about me.

But for a bit, I'd like to be normal. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just meet new people and try things out. But I know too much about compatibility for it to be that simple for me. I'm not just dating to make new potential friends. I've got a lifetime full of guys friends, and I add to the number all the time. AND I'm thankful for them. BUT to spend repeated one-one-one time with a guy, where there's an air or an openness to future possibilities of dating, he's going to need to have the 3...or at least not exhibit lack of the 3. And then at some point I'll figure out that he's someone I think I could want to be around for the rest of my life. Hopefully by that point, I'll have done my usual (grown on him like a fungus that he couldn't get rid of), and he'll be stuck.

So you've been waiting, so here are the 3:

Has to love Jesus and be willing to do his best to say "yes" to whatever He asks.
Has an urgency to further the Kingdom of God (does NOT have to be a minister, but understands his baseline role as one as a believer)
I can't be able to beat him up, beat him at every sport, weigh more than him, or be taller than him.

See? Not asking that much. ;)
Lord, I find comfort that You are so much bigger than all my neuroses. Father, please make this man's courage bigger as well. Give him wisdom, gentleness, and strength as he weasels his way into my heart. Don't let him be scathed by my theories or my opinions, but in Your time let him see what You see when You see my heart (potential included, because let's get serious: Prov. 31 competency is a little ways off). And please grant me wisdom and discretion about how to avoid this topic in social situations that come my way in the future. ;)

2009-08-18T23:03:00.001-07:00

Questions

I guess it should come as no surprise that as you begin to exercise faith, bigger obstacles come. Did I say obstacles? I fully meant opportunities. ;) But we default to "obstacles" most of the time, right? Maybe it's just me. It's kinda funny actually...to think about how deeply I have bought into the deception that I have any control at all on what's to come. Have I had any up to this point? Um, no. Why would I think that's about to change?

Seriously, though, when we investigate the thought process behind most of our human worries (and especially you, Christians), don't they sound kinda silly? Has God been walking with us thus far? Has He more than graciously provided for all of our basic needs and then some? What reason would we have to think He's just going to up and stop?

Now the reality is that it might not look like we think it should - His best. But we don't know. Check out Job 39-42 where God sits Job down and starts asking HIM all the questions. What do we know? Did WE put creation into being? Do WE have a voice that calms the waves? Get serious. So in the same way, His best may look disastrous. But He promises to work good (Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28, Isa. 55:8-9). I feel like a broken record with those, but they keep being so honkin' applicable. So I'll keep reciting them.

AND let's give credit where credit is due. So the Enemy's big guns aren't going to be applicable for everyone. But the goal is not debauchery with Him. It's ineffectiveness. What will most quickly and efficiently handicap a vessel for the Kingdom? That's the Enemy's MO. For us overthinkers, it's doubt. Pride (thinking we have some control) and doubt, which leads to fear, which renders us useless. My challenge is for us (me, me, me) to get better at calling him out early in the process. Remind him he's not invited to this thought party. Recite Truth. After all, the Word is our only offensive weapon AND it's what Jesus did when HE was tempted. And lastly, pray, giving it over to God as often as necessary while listening and looking for His response. We can expect that. We just have to remember His timetable doesn't look like ours. ;)

2009-08-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

Opinions

Everybody's got 'em. Some have more than others. I have too many. I see so much freedom in the simple-minded outlooks of others. I've asked God many times why it can't be mine. I'm left with the conclusion that all my analysis must have a purpose for the Kingdom. Like a gift or weapon, it must be wielded well or it's a waste or even worse, a danger.

So many opinions rise to the surface of my mind quickly: (laugh if you want)

about Jon and Kate Gosselin and their marriage
about Ahmadinejad being a crook and a joke as a leader and how in the nation he continues to be allowed to lead
about teenagers in our country and the lack of parenting
about the government's role in healthcare

However, one thing I've noticed is that I am so limited to my human perspective. And limited it is. I need Truth. I need a constant infusion of Truth to interrupt and address my human-sized thought processes. So I'll keep these opinions to myself for now. I need to spend time on some Truth before I'm equipped to speak. THAT's where freedom is. (John 8:32).

2009-07-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

Our highlights from Tijuana, Mexico

The testimonies about what God did on our trip

2009-07-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

He's so much Greater

I already knew that, but man, He dropped off a load of blessing on my trip to Mexico. You never know exactly how and where He's going to work. You just know that He is, and you try to get your "yes" ready for when the missions are doled out. It's almost funny to read back through my blogpost prior to the trip. It was interesting to talk with another of the girl leaders who had a day pre-trip that looked a lot like mine in terms of doubting, considering backing out, and just overall feeling discouraged about what the trip had in store for her.

There was not a single time on the trip where I needed my space. There WAS one afternoon/evening where I had the second worst migraine of my life (and wanted to die) where I wanted everyone to go away for quiet and darkness. But that's an extenuating circumstance. AND my team and the missionaries down there were so gracious to pray over me, give me compassion, and nurse me back to health. But in terms of social space, I was never craving that. I enjoyed being around the whole team the whole time. In fact, as soon as I got back to my empty house on Saturday evening, I was sad. It was fun living in a compound, seeing the same happy faces with a similar purpose on a daily basis.

I was incredibly encouraged on this trip. I had multiple people speak specific words of edification into my life on this trip. I was affirmed in certain giftings (that I'm encouraged and feel compelled to develop). I was able to be just a clear and empty vessel for whatever the Holy Spirit wanted to do through me. It was so liberating.

That's most of what I love about missions. You have no distractions. You are entering a new place, with new people, with only one objective: obedience to whatever God puts in front of you. You won't be able to plan perfectly for it. Flexibility is the name of the game. But there's nothing like it. Things I had almost forgotten how much I enjoyed being a part of:

Specific and directed intercessory prayer for others. It's such a privilege to lift up another before the throne of God and be a conduit for that person to experience Him. And also, what a privilege to go to battle with and for another soul. THAT's what it's about. I love getting to see God be God.
singing for Jesus. My voice was totally different on this trip. I felt it the first day when we worshipped before we left Washington. I felt freed to lift up my voice in praise to Him. It was different. I sounded different.
Encouraging others. I loved getting to speak Truth and compliments into those around me either in Mexico or on my team. I was there with some stellar youth from Washington, Cali, and Montana. They all have beautiful hearts and are extremely gifted. Not to mention they were a BLAST to be around.
Being doctrinally challenged. I got to know an amazing pastor who really took to challenging me in my faith. He shared my passion for the preservation of the Truth of Scripture. He does not take his job of handling the Word of God lightly. I so respect that. He wielded it well, and was very encouraging to me in his teaching of it.

I feel like I have lots to learn and process from this trip. I see a threshold or a crossroads in my near future. I'm just trying to remain on the altar. (Rom. 12:1) It's hard to be a living sacrifice. You DO want to keep crawling away. And honestly, the Enemy didn't waste any time shooting fiery arrows at me. He immediately hit me in my weak spot the day I returned. But the One my heart loves is faithful. He continues to fight for me. He's given me amazing people to fight with and for me as well. This isn't the end of my Mexico lessons...just a quick overview.

2009-06-18T00:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to pretend to have a cute little title that prefaces or allows some clever insight into what this blogpost will include. Honestly, I don't know what's coming. I'm a bag blogger. I haven't invested emotional output in this guy for over a month!

And a lot has happened. I've learned a lot. A more accurate description would be to say that God has revealed Himself in many ways. He's amazingly faithful like that. He's so pursuant. I don't understand it. What's new.

And tomorrow I leave for Mexico for 10 days to help lead a team of youth in doing VBS for kids in Tiajuana. I'm still not 100% on that spelling. And so many things intimidate me about it:

There's so much unknown and that can't be planned for. I'm a bit of an overthinker when it comes to things coming down the pike because I don't "roll with the punches" super-well. And I don't like scars or regrets. So I figure if I can foresee all the problems pre-emptively, then I can forego them. ;) You can see how well that schema works out for me.

I'm real. Way too real. I'm one of those expressive folks whose faults are really obvious early on. I'm impatient, opinionated, mouthy, and even a complainer sometimes. (I know, I hate that about myself too.) It's only a matter of time before these kids knock me right off whatever pedestal they may have fashioned for me in their minds before this trip.

I'm needy when it comes to my social support system. Said differently: I live in community and enjoy sharing my life pretty significantly with those around me. I check in pretty frequently with various folks in my life sharing my heart and thoughts and asking them to weigh in and offer advice about such things. I call my mom pretty much every day even if just for a minute to share my latest neurotic observation or analysis. This will be 10 days around folks I don't know that well. And I won't be able to call up or text or email the folks I depend on for affirmation.

I spend a lot of time by myself. Not an option on this trip. It's literally not safe. We're in Tiajuana, folks. My family can tell you what I'm like when I'm forced into small spaces with the same people for an extended period of time. Refer back to the second bullet point and draw your own conclusions.

BUT, the good news is:

I look forward to the opportunity to learn flexibility. I'm pumped to see how God will be amazingly bigger than my plans and calculations.
God loves me. And accepts me. And is able to use me despite my mess. Plus, He uses the weak to shame the strong and the foolish to shame the wise. I meet all the criteria!
I look forward to the fellowship between God and me. I think too often I don't allow time or place for this. It's sad but true.
I'm pumped about being trained in loving people better. I think one of the reasons I still have some edges to my personality is that I'm not around people in close enough community to have them sanded off. What a great opportunity for that.

So God will use this to prosper me (Jer. 29:11, Rom. 8:28, Phil. 1:6). It will happen. I'm excited for the opportunity.

2009-04-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been forever...since I blogged. I'm kinda scared to do it now. I'm always nervous about what emotional place I should be in before I let loose on here. What's ironic is that when I'm in a great place with everything is when I don't take the time to jot it down on here. Oh well. The blog will have to take what it can get.

I'm learning a lot of things. And they're not super-comfortable. I don't like lessons that involve my pride getting pricked. Most of the big lessons usually do. My most recent one involves the realization (which is not necessarily new, just manifested through real circumstances) that two things about me will always make it hard for me to develop and sustain deep relationships: 1. pride and 2. insecurity. They're hard workers and together they build nice big walls of fear and doubt with perfect footholds for Satan to climb on. That's junky. I don't accept this.

God wants more for me. He loves me perfectly, and I don't understand that. And I don't do a great job of receiving that...and certainly not abiding in that. 2 Tim. 1:7 says I wasn't built for fear. And I forget where, but the Word says that perfect love casts out fear.

He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion (Phil. 1:6). I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). He loved me first (while I was still in my sin), and I am altogether complete in Him. What can man do to me?

Equip us to love, Father. Remind us first always that you love us with a perfect and complete love. Our hope is safe in YOU alone. I'm so thankful for the promises of His Word.

2009-03-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

Adulthood...rated PG?

I wish. I wish I could just summon parental guidance when I needed it. And I practically can. My parents (all 4 of them) are great about giving advice and helping out anytime I need it...and even when I don't realize I need it. And I'm so blessed to have had them all these years to feed me, clothe me, house me, support me, and encourage me.

But today was different. Today I received the keys to my first house...that is mine...that I now own...that I will be paying for over the next 30 years. Geesh. And that was my reaction.

After Shu left, I just walked around the empty rooms...trying to slow my heartbeat. Trying to not breathe quickly. Trying not to cry. And I did good. (Yes, I intentionally chose my usual Tennessee terminology). I didn't cry. But I did go straight over to my friend Alyson's house to interrupt her and Paul's dinner. You can't say enough about the importance of community and quality friends. They were perfect. They talked me down. They even walked over with me and went back through the place, giving me ideas about furniture placement. They really liked it. I feel so much better now.

All in all, I'm going to be okay. I did a quick prayer-walk before I left the first time. I expect God to do so many things in and through that place. And I know that He'll be with me there. He's still and always will be my Shepherd. I'm excited to start this journey.

2009-03-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

Our Puddles

In true Washingtonian fashion (I consider myself one now), I took advantage of the sunshine regardless of the 42 degree temp outside and went for a jog/walk out on Ruston Way. It was perfect and the kind of day that makes me LOVE this state and LOVE my town. The scenery's hard to beat. I was down on the end past all the business after making the loop, and I noticed a bird flapping/splashing around across the street. It looked like a suzy, but I'm not placing bets. (Sorry, Dad, I know you woulda been proud if I could call a duck when I saw one.) Yes, he was on the hill side of Ruston (across the road from the water) in a big puddle, just hanging out. The puddle was pretty big - maybe 20 yards at its widest point and no more than a foot deep at any point. But it was brown, and pretty muddy. And an inlet of the Puget Sound was just across the road!

I couldn't help but immediately think of us (mankind) and God. We work so hard to get our "puddles" to fit, to be enough, to make us happy. We get everything in our lives catered to what we think we can "control" and call it good. God has infinitely more, and it's usually not even that far away. Now, it has its costs. Sitting in the Sound, you're gonna get thrown around a bit from the wakes of the ships. The water's gonna rise and fall. But there's so much opportunity. I can pretty much bet there isn't much food, fellowship, or provision for that little bird in the puddle. The Sound, on the other hand...tons more birds, infinite food supply, and ridiculous scenery.

God, I want the Sound. Never let me be content in my puddles. Remind me that contentment rests only in hoping in You. It's not here. It's not even in the Sound. It's in You. Forgive me for my facade of control.

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." -Phil. 4:19

"But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Matt. 6:33

2009-02-26T21:59:00.000-08:00

Wow, so much stuff...

It's been a big week. So many things have occurred. It's kinda thrown my thinker's brain for a loop. I haven't really had time to sit and overanalyze before being bombarded with the next task or event. I don't know what I think about that. So many micro-lessons...so many bigger ones.

I've seen answered prayers, disappointments, pleasant surprises, scary opportunities, and new-ness...all since Sunday. Geesh, what a week.

Most of it ends well. A few things I'm still confounded by. Maybe more of this will be hashed out at a future date. I'm learning things about myself. I haven't decided whether to share them with you yet.

2009-02-20T20:21:00.000-08:00

Where's the Line?

So I'm an idealist. And I know this. And it can fuel so much energy for positive change. Just in general, I believe that idealism IS necessary as fuel for positive change. Recently my idealism has fueled me to take on a representative-type role at my work. Our patient care system (a computer program) is far from ideal. And we, as pharmacists, are very familiar with many of its short-comings. Since different pharmacists work in different areas, we all get different perspectives and notice wierd little caveats. So I wanted us to pool what each pharmacists understands about the system and share those insights with everyone else.

One of our managers totally took me up on this and assigned me and another coworker with this task of compiling tips and disbursing them weekly in staff developments. And I think it's going relatively well. The problem is when I'm reminded of the broken parts of the process because of meds not getting to patients. Sometimes it's the computer system setting us up for failure. Other times it's apathy on someone's part along the way. Sometimes I get frustrated about things that have nothing to do with the computer system but are still making my job unnecessarily more complicated, such as insurance companies and outpatient facilities who won't accept the patients we're trying to discharge.

Oh, a broken world. Sigh. It's crazy when I think about the original plan. If Eve hadn't eaten the fruit, I wouldn't have a job. There would be no sickness. There'd be no need for healthcare, insurance, or my career. But we're way past that.

So I've yet to master the discipline of having peace in the midst of being unsatisfied with the way things are. Contentment doesn't look like apathy. It's not the same. Do I learn to separate my emotions from my idealism? Then how would I maintain the passion that IS the fuel for working for change? But there's got to be a better way to control the frustration that comes from an imperfect world.

I want Psalm 112:6-7 to be characteristic of me at some point in life:

For the righteous will never be moved;
he will be remembered forever.
He is not afraid of bad news;
his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

2009-01-31T00:03:00.001-08:00

Blinded by Happy

It seems like I often fall into a cycle of learning a cool new Truth about God and His love or having a heart-changing encounter with Him, and then in my effort to "abide" I find myself sitting on the sidelines, totally missing the game. I get in a happy (pseudo-contented) place, and for some reason stop pursuing. I think it's a maturity thing that I don't have yet. My mistake is trying to abide in that experience instead of IN HIM always and only. My contentment or happy emotion is a sad and gross substitute for being in constant fellowship with Him.

It's funny how no matter what you think you've known or where you've been, I always feel new at this. I feel like a kid walking with Him. And I get a strong sense that right now it's where He wants me. Now if I can just keep holding His hand and walking (Micah 6:8) instead of running off the trail to chase a distraction or sitting and trying to stay where I am.

2009-01-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

I find it interesting...

that people are praising Obama for shutting down Guantanamo, because he's the same man who said the first thing he'd do in office was sign the Freedom of Choice Act legaling any and all types of abortion. Hmm. Is that not torture? Of the worst kind? To an innocent life?

Don't get me wrong. I'm fine with Gitmo gettin' gone. I just think he's contradictory in his stances on the true value of human life. Who gets to decide that value? Do we? Why? Who said? I guess it could be spun multiple directions. I just wish people would think a little bit more, read a little more, and try to understand what's real. Myself included. I could certainly spend more time scavenging for sources of unbiased information. This just came to mind in reading a friend's status. That's it.

I'll end with this...and I've said it before (and fallen victim to its truth many times): Misplaced hope is a sure source of disappointment. I hope for change just like anyone else. But I already have a Savior. And he's not of this world. And THAT'S the only safe place for my hope.

2009-01-05T22:00:00.000-08:00

Yep, I said it...

I'm going to boldly travel into uncharted territory. Perhaps to a place where no person in my position has gone before...well, except for that Joshua Harris kid that we kinda laughed at for a bit. I'm going to address the topic of the young single Christian...as a young single Christian. I know, questionable you say. Please, spare me the cliche's. I know, I know: God's got something great for me, you just know it! And let me guess: God's timing is perfect, and it just isn't His timing yet. Grrrrreat! It's still not always the land of contentment over here, and it's easy as the single person to tie some of that to singleness. But that's not even what I wanted to blog about.

So here goes the real issue on my heart: we as Christian singles need more faith. We need faith that God loves us, that He does have a plan for us, and that His will IS for our good (Rom. 8:28) and better than we could ask for (Eph. 3:20). But please, if you're married, do NOT take it upon yourself to speak these Truths to us. We're like tarp and your words are like rain. It just rolls right off us. And not because it's not true, but just because we don't believe you can relate to how we really feel at all. And I'm sorry your pure intentions aren't rewarded with our response. It's just life.

But the reason I bring this up is because I'm kinda tired of the pressure. You know, that silent, underlying pressure in any social situation where a group of young Christian singles are gathered. Will any of these people hit it off? Do I see/feel compatibility in this situation? I dream of a time when Christian singles (myself included!) can meet a Christian single of the opposite gender without immediately sizing them up as dating potential. I don't even know if it's a conscious process for some. But let's be honest, it totally happens. I wish we could all just truly hang out and be friends purely, experiencing legit and natural friendship processes. Instead, we're making mental pros and con lists and seeing if their name sounds good with ours. Don't lie; it happens.

I'm not calling anyone out as much as I'm preaching to my own heart. I guess as a facilitator of this type of group at Discovery, I wonder what my role is in working toward this ideal. Isn't it a burden sometimes? Being an idealist? I'm not even sure where to start in this one.

2008-12-22T21:06:00.001-08:00

Wish I had a tape...

of my adventure tonight. It would definitely be worth a laugh...or two. So there I was (I mean, that's how all great narrated stories start, right? A good hook like that?), I was driving amidst the ice/snow/slush in Tacoma for the first time since I made it back to Washington last night. I was taking major roads, and they seemed to have just enough snow on top to allow for some traction before the layer of ice. Things were actually very pleasant (as pleasant as they CAN be when you're driving 20 mph) until I saw a person sitting on the ground with a crutch in their hand. It didn't look good. They certainly didn't appear to be down intentionally. So I decided I should help. I pulled off onto a side street nearby. MISTAKE NUMBER ONE. I was able to park without a problem, but by the time I made it to her another walker had helped her up. I was no longer needed, and my rescue efforts were somewhat in vain.

So I trudged back to my car to make my retreat. P.S. Let me say that it would my dad proud to know that I was wearing the Vasque boots he got me years ago. Nevermind that I was rocking them with a feminine white peacoat. The outfit was working from about the knees up. ;) Back to the retreat - I decide I should try to turn around rather than follow that smaller street back to a main road. MISTAKE NUMBER TWO. I wasn't exactly sure when that would be. So I start across the street, then back up where I had been formerly parked. However, when I try "DRIVE" again, my tires don't make nice with the packed snow. I go nowhere. Dilemma. I don't want to call anyone. No one else is around. What to do, what to do. I get out to check out the situation near by backtires. I don't see any pieces of wood nearby to throw under one of them. I figure I'm going to have to push. So I put the car in neutral, and brace myself against the curve to push. No luck. Then I get really brave, and throw it in drive before heading back to push again. Well, the incredible hulk in me came out to the point where the car rolled across the road against the snow pile/curb on the other side.

My next logical step was to change the gear to reverse while standing outside the car. MISTAKE NUMBER THREE. The car rolled back into the street, and with matrix moves, I somehow jumped into the driver's seat as it was moving. Thankfully, the brake worked, and I comandeered the vehicle back onto the main road.

Geesh, what an adventure. And if only someone could have taped it...

2008-11-26T12:13:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving

Too easy of a pun. Recently I've explored different thoughts about me being so far (mostly geographically) from my family. I worry that other people or even my family will perceive that as family not being important to me...or that they'll assume I don't have a tight-knit family unit or that there's some drama causing emotional distance as well. But that's not it at all. Everyone has to follow God's plan for THEIR own life. I would love to be closer to family, but that would be the only advantage to moving back to the south. I feel so much purpose in my place here (in Tacoma). I love being in the most unchurched state of the US. I love people hopefully catching a glimpse of Christ in me (somewhere amidst the chaos).

On a temporal note, I like my job. I like Washington state and what it has to offer. It's beautiful here. I like the temperate climate. Sure, I could live with a few less days of rain, but I can't complain since we get perfect summers. And how do you get over getting to see majesty like Rainier on a regular basis? Really?

On an eternal note, I have community here unlike any I've experienced in a long, long time. I can think of having it at Union and with my girls back in Memphis. It looked a little different in both instances, but so did I. I'm in legit koinonia with 6 girls who are passionately pursuing Christ and spurring me on continuously to do the same. I'm in discipleship with a lady who loves Jesus as her Shepherd and has been walking this Road for a while as a mother of 4 and the wife of a church planter. (P.S. She also lives a couple thousand miles from her large family as well, and we've talked about how hard it gets sometimes.) I have a church family who loves with everything they have. We're growing and wrestling with sin and fighting on in the process of sanctification like the Bride of Christ.

So I know I'm where God wants me. I guess I feel guilty sometimes for enjoying being here...which sounds silly. But I think we chalk up the Christian walk to this life-long struggle of daily martyrdom - and don't get me wrong, it is- , and in many ways dying to self and taking up the Cross daily is ALWAYS a struggle. My point is: I don't think I should be surprised that where God has me fits how He's made me. It makes sense that living in the fullness of His plan for me would bring joy. And hopefully more times than not, I can echo the Apostle Paul in saying the joy that comes from knowing Him IS greater than anything else in this world.

But let me end by saying how thankful I am to have family that support me in my pursuit of God and His plan for me. Every time I've asked my mom if it bothers her that I won't be moving back to Huntingdon to have the 3 bedroom home, the husband, and the 2.3 kids, she's never hesitated to reiterate that she wants God's best for me and for me to be happy- nothing less. It's empowering and encouraging. And for THAT, I'm eternally grateful.

2008-11-19T00:51:00.000-08:00

Recent Ramblings...

So I don't have any earth-shattering updates on life or learning, but I wanted to post some of the quotes that have sharpened my perception in the past few months.

We are not products of: gene pools, our impulses, our society, or our past. -sermon from Pastor Jon (but I added the "past" part)

Being dead to self means putting no conditions on me, which also means putting no conditions on others.
Forgiveness is supernatural.
"I can't give what I don't have" (referring to LOVE and GRACE)
-all these from Abby Santiago

Restraint sets us apart. (as Christians) -Traci Fredricks

The goal of eternal life is to SEE Jesus. But there are two obstacles to overcome:
My blindness apart from grace
The world is still in darkness.
Darkness in me is overcome by regeneration. Darkness in the world is overcome by reincarnation. The key to both is His glory through grace. Grace is the goal and the means. Grace transforms us from an advocate of a system to a witness of a reality.
-all from a sermon by John Piper

We died to the list of rules. We try to prove our sonship, but we're already there. Just BE. Sometimes there is nothing to obey. How would those around you characterize your Christianity? Do they think you live SO that God will accept you? Or BECAUSE God has accepted you? Don't look at hope and joy as indicators of the intensity of your faith.
-thoughts from different girls in my small group (Oh, how I love these girls and the time I get to spend with them in the Word)

I hope you are blessed and challenged with each of these as I am.

2008-10-22T11:45:00.001-07:00

P.S.

After spending some time with super-stellar Traci Fredricks yesterday, I was left with a pricking thought. She asked me what God had been saying to me this week. I ended up somehow on one of my rants about an issue going on in my heart, and like the discerning woman that she is, she said (with a perfect preface) "You're going to want to hit me when I say this, but again, what is God saying to you this week?" After thinking through what my objectives have been in this valley (abiding), I realized I've been missing the point. I learned through the course of Experiencing God that His objective is NOT obedience. His first priority is my relationship with Him...that I KNOW Him more.

I've been trying to DO the right things for God. That's empty...and pointless. He wants ME to spend time with Him. If I'm squirming, if I'm sad, if I'm disappointed, if I'm elated, He wants to be there WITH me through those things. Talking with my friend Cham last night reminded me of this. He was describing this newness in His walk with Christ after God being WITH him through a really tough time, almost tangibly. I haven't been allowing God that opportunity.

So now I see (and hopefully I'll remember) that ABIDING is not OBEDIENCE. It's more than that. This Christian life is about a RELATIONSHIP with a PERSON, Who is Truth. My EG girls know that. The list of rules is religion. I ain't signing up for that. Now if I could just remember the difference between the two in my heart...

2008-10-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

Abiding...

in the valley. It's new for me. I've talked a lot over the past few months about the pasture that I feel like God has been leading me through. It's been lush and green, and it represents such refreshing growth in my walk with Him. I knew that would be preparing me for other times of not-so-fun growth, and I was right. Being a "feeler" or a person of emotional intensity (does that make it sound cooler?), my highs are high and my lows are low. Very rarely am I hanging out consistently in the middle- apart from the transitions. If you're a math/trigonometry/algebra-type person, think of a sine wave as opposed to just the ol' x-axis. I'm a sine...wave.

So following this spurt of spiritual growth, I hit one of my usual downs. Now for me, this is a time of feeling kinda blah and lots of thought invested in why this cloud of blah settled over my heart. Usually I can pinpoint a number of possible causes without being able to fix or remove any of them. I sometimes get beat (by the Enemy) with the question of "Shouldn't God be enough that you never feel sad? If you really believed in the victory that salvation brings you, shouldn't that bring true joy to your heart despite anything that's going on right now?" I don't necessarily know the answer to those questions, but I know how I feel, and I know what I know about God and His Truth. I know that people in the Bible were legitimately sad. Read about Job. Read about Jesus! How we feel and who God is can both exist in our hearts if we have them in the right perspective.

I've talked to quite a few fellow believers about this concept over the past few days, and I've been really encouraged by their answers. Much of the responses involved what I just typed in the last paragraph. And honestly, I'm grateful for the opportunity to travel through one of these valleys with a better perspective. My normal approach is to check out for a few days (not get into the Word, slack off in prayer, and overall just retreat into introspection) until I come to a breaking point. But I will gladly leave behind this empty regimen that basically wastes a lot of Kingdom time and personal energy. So I'm trying to use this time to be still, to watch, to keep trusting. I'm still honest in prayer. I mean, God already knows how we feel anyway, right? So I trust in His power to change my heart. He renews my mind (Rom 12:2), and He is greater than our hearts (1 John 3:20). So I have hope. And hopefully I'm getting better at abiding.

2008-10-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

Perception

...is a choice. We make it all the time. No one has the full picture because only God is omniscient. So the rest of us interpret our reality as best we can. This leaves Satan a lot of room to twist and deceive and distract us from God's Truth in our mind. Being on guard is hard, but we can't afford to succumb. It hurts. It causes us to miss out. And it can equip us to wrongfully damage others. So we step out in faith based on what we know from His Word instead. We let the peace that passes all understanding guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. We choose to believe His Word instead: about our worth, about our future, about our potential, and about our identity. We pray for His vision of our environment and those around us. It's hard to remember that we'll never see the whole picture and that our perspective on everything is quite limited. This word is for me. I've learned that the hard way this week. Some verses that have been valuable:

Phil. 4:8, James 1:19-20, Phil 2, Psalm 27, Psalm 131

2008-09-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

Koinonia

This has been the theme of Experiencing God this week. Not coincidentally I have gotten to experience this in various forms this week. I met with Traci, our pastor's wife, and Pastor Rob, our small groups pastor, this week for various reasons. But in both situations, I came away encouraged, spurred on, and affirmed in my walk and where God has me. I constantly get that feeling at Discovery. Pretty much every Sunday morning I walk out to my car in the parking lot just puffed up after being with my church family.

And then the Enemy steps in. He knows exactly how. He uses what seems as small as a pin prick to rip open my insecurity. It starts with small wonderings of the mind. Little morsels that I begin to ponder until they turn into how I feel. I start doubting the quality of love in my life. It goes something like this: "Lauren, if they knew, if they really knew, they wouldn't see you like that." Or "Just wait, things are good now, because you're listening and trying to be obedient. But wait until you're wrong, or you get hurt and look stupid. All that positive perception will burst like a balloon."

There are many things wrong with this.

The first is identifying the true problem at the root of why this works on me. Going back to Rob's sermon on the progression of : what we do stems from how we feel, which stems from what we truly believe. So the reason that I feel insecure about how I'm perceived is because I believe people only love me if they think I'm good or entertaining or have something to offer them. It's the performance trap AND the approval addict if you've read Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. Whatever good people might see is not mine (Rom. 3:10). So whether I fail or succeed by whoever's standards, my worth never changes. Because He proclaims it in His Word, and He doesn't change (Heb. 13:8), neither does His Truth.

The second is that I'm cutting my church family at the knees if I limit their ability to love only happy people. I KNOW better. I've seen otherwise. These people love WELL and without judgment. So back off, Satan. You are clearly not invited.

This won't be the last time he draws me off track with this one. It's certainly not the first. I just want to get better at the battle. Reading Psalm 139 and whining to my mom pretty much whipped it, but still. How debilitating. There's too much I want to do and experience to be side-tracked with such nonsense. And besides, I have some serious koinonia to be a part of!

2008-09-14T15:06:00.000-07:00

Exposed

You know how that feels during a time of growth where God's tinkering on your heart? Sometimes there's some demolition and reconstruction involved? And you just feel Him near. You know He's with you. You get that whole "walking with Him" sense throughout your day. I love that, but there's another part to it. It kinda draws you away from your immediate environment. It kinda makes you "not fit". I've kinda felt like that all weekend. I haven't been down or upset, but just like this place doesn't fit me very well. "This place" being life here and now.

Please don't get me wrong. I love my life. God has overwhelmingly blessed me with family, friends, a growing church, a job I like and feel a purpose in, and a beautiful place like Washington to live. It's not that. It's just when I'm in one of these growth spurts, I feel like my emotions are just below the skin. They're right on the edge for anyone to see and hopefully not damage. I had been looking forward to church this morning since Friday. After working this weekend, I just anticipated the opportunity to join with other believers that I know and love to experience God. And I did. The music was amazing. I teared up on more than one occasion.

In these states, it may not be visible to other people. And that would be great, actually. But I'm just softer, with my heart a little more exposed. It makes me a little hesitant to stand too close to someone, afraid they might get wild with their keys or something, and rupture a heartstring of mine. That was a bit of an exaggeration, but you know. I feel exposed.

Then I remember a couple of things: 1. Per the Bible, perfect love casts out fear. He loves me perfectly. There's NOTHING for me to be afraid of.

2. Per the wisdom of Kirstin Hawkins, to love IS to be vulnerable. And how vulnerable did and DOES God make Himself in loving us? He has nothing to gain. He just loves us. So I guess growth will look like living in that vulnerability with my heart out for the injuring without fear, trusting that with the reconstruction of it, my heart will grow stronger.

2008-09-11T17:29:00.000-07:00

It's HIS Gig

It is. I've known that. But my heart forgets sometimes. I've been so caught up and excited about all the things God's been laying on the heart of my friends and myself. Then Satan tried to twist it to make nervous about getting it wrong. He started making me fearful of messing tasks up and experiencing total failure with any and all attempts at progress in these visions. THEN the other day God reminded me what Blackaby says in Experiencing God about the fact that God tells you what He's going to do. NOT what He wants you to do FOR Him. Get that? No tasks with boxes to check. That's just your invitation to join Him. Look, listen, watch. Not go, do, run...fast. We're the ones obsessed with efficiency and the NOW of capitalism. God doesn't work on that time frame. So we shouldn't feel pressured to. And we shouldn't live like He's going to start.

So I found rest this week. Or more like God gave it to me. I'm in process. Plus, like we (the girls) have realized over and over during this study: the end objective in God's heart isn't completed tasks, obedience, or accomplishment for the Kingdom. It's that I and others come to KNOW HIM better. It's about the relationship. No, this stuff isn't rocket science, but it's heart-lifting every time. And I have yet to stop needing to hear it.

2008-09-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

Full

I feel that way. Not my schedule or my stomach, but my life...in a good way. I've been blown away by what God is doing in and around me over the past few weeks. It just keeps intensifying, and it's ridiculously exciting. And the coolest thing is, I'm not alone in the journey. Ever since Amanda, Erin, Kirstin, and I have started Experiencing God, this has been the norm: seeing God's activity.

And let me say this, it's clearly making Satan nervous. The Father of Lies has been present and in full effect in certain areas, picking at my (our) insecurities, planting doubt, and just doing his best to cause delay, disillusionment, or disobedience. "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come so that you may have life and have it to the fullest." John 10:10. Jesus wanted us to know the Truth. And the truth is that God wants to do some pretty monumental things in our lives over the next few months. Satan's scared, and he should be. But he wasn't invited to this party. And sad news: he already lost the battle. It doesn't end well for him. We just need to, as believers, get better at recognizing him and calling him out. The whole "when Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future". We have the power. We've been given it thorugh the Holy Spirit, not to mention the armor of God (Eph. 6:10).

So if God's working in your life and you see He's about to do big things, as one of my new favorite sayings goes, "Gird up your loins". Call that kid out. I figure it's okay to insult the Devil.

But fight for what is good, like Paul talked about. Hold tight to the love promises of your Lord. My prayer is that He continually equip us for battle. It's already going on. Being close to and growing in Him means more involvement in the war. So we need to be ready, and there's no need or room for fear.

I'm excited. I'll keep you "posted".

2008-08-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

It's JUST Obedience

The Experiencing God lesson today talked about how God reveals to us what He's going to do, not what He wants us to do for Him. Interestingly enough, Jada (my sister in Memphis in pharmacy school) called last night and we talked about a sermon she had just heard about how God doesn't need us. He will accomplish His purposes regardless of whether we say yes to Him or not. It is our greatest joy to take part. I don't want to diminish in any way the fact that He loves us and passionately pursues us, but we need to make clear that He does that FOR OUR GOOD. Not because He's a weak, needy lover like what we see portrayed in movies and literature. His Name WILL be made great...one way or another.

Now back to my original direction with this...it seems like our ticket to involvement in what God's doing in this world is faith. The more tickets we have, the more we get to take part in. Faith seems scary to us because it is, in fact, trusting in things unseen. But hear me now, faith is NOT trusting in our ability to be obedient. Did you get that? We are NOT trusting in our ability to get it right. We are trusting in the sovereign Creator of the universe that started this thing and is intricately involved in holding it all together (Col. 1:17). Another point that Henry Blackaby makes earlier on is that how we respond when God invites us to join in His work says more about what we believe about God than it does anything else. Read that sentence a couple of times until it sinks in. Sure, there's a reflex reaction to doubt self. But He wasn't depending on us. So we shouldn't be. He knows what He's going to do. Get that? Going to do. He is so gracious to ask us to join Him in the work. And THAT'S where our joy is found.

Father, forgive our self-dependence. Forgive our American dream of working hard enough to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. Forgive our Oprah-mentality of self-help and inner strength. Forgive our incredible blindness and failure to hope in an omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent God who loves us more than we can know. Forgive us for denying Who You are. Remind us of Your power. Show us the difference between what we dream of doing for You and what YOU want to do in and through us.

Remind us that faith is safe in an all=powerful God. It WILL come to fruition in our lives. Do not let our focus and our goal be in the production of fruit, but in growing deeper and falling more headlong in love with our Father who has loved us from the beginning. So grow our faith to pray for, expect, and see God-sized activity in our lives. I'm tired of mediocre.

Remind us that when we say yes, and You begin to do God-sized things, it won't be due at all to any good in us or any gifts we have to offer. It's just obedience.

Not to diverge too much, but Dietrich Bonhoeffer explains in Cost of Discipleship about how to reconcile Jesus's commands in the Sermon on the Mount about not letting the right hand know what the left is doing (Matt. 6) and then letting your light shine before men (Matt. 5:16). Seems contradictory, right? The gist is Christ is the plumbline. We don't measure up. Anything we do in obedience to Him (which will produce things that only God can do in a life) is just that: obedience. But to a lost world depending only on the ability of man, they WILL seem extraordinary. So it's fine to "Go big, or go home." Just make sure everyone knows Who was and will always be responsible for it. We're just doing what we've been told (and it's awesome to be a part), and that's JUST obedience.

2008-08-26T04:13:00.000-07:00

God is good...

ALL THE TIME. You know where I'm going with this... I was with my girls (E-Randle, A-Graves, and Kirst) having our Bible study time at Origin 23, and I was going through a timeline of spiritual markers in my life. Part of our assignment this week was to document times where God has spoken His will or made clear His purpose for us in ministry. As I was sharing mine, Amanda keeps looking over my head with this look of fear on her face. Finally, I stopped to ask what was wrong, and she explained that the college and singles minister for one of the local churches was standing right behind me, partially listening in as I explained that the common themes in God's calling on my life had been evangelism, discipleship, and community.

The rest of the story is that for a couple of weeks now I have had this idea on my heart for a regional gathering of young adults (singles). Most of the people I know here go to smaller churches that just don't have enough people or resources to facilitate a ministry focused on the needs of this group. In Memphis and Nashville we had multiple options for such a gathering (e.g. The Loop, Metro, Kairos, etc.). So why not get a group of people that I already know together for music, a message, and tons of fellowship for the edification of believers from college to mid-30s? I mentioned it to Rob, our small group pastor at Discovery. His response: Sounds great! Go for it. Not exactly what I expected (or wanted) to hear. So the more I've prayed, the more God has ignited this flame in me for this to come to fruition. Not only that, but my girls here have said they were in. Whatever God led us to, they would help. Since then I've been praying, looking, listening, and waiting expectantly for the next step.

After she tells me who this guy is and that he was almost trying to hear my conversation, my heart started racing. I didn't know what to do or what this meant. So I asked the girls to pray as I submitted the whole situation to God. After "amen" I went over to the group (he was meeting with the worship leader and another guy) to introduce myself and kinda share my vision. I got his email address, and it was done. He sounded excited, and I emailed him this morning. How crazy is that?

Why is it that I still get so surprised that God will work out His purposes? Maybe the real surprise (and sublime) part is that He calls us to be part of the plan!

2008-08-25T05:33:00.000-07:00

Identity

This was the topic of Pastor Rob's sermon today (or yesterday) at church. He started a two-part series on singleness. A group of us actually did a little skit to help kick things off (written and directed by my dear friend Erin Randle, the lyrical wordsmith). We all went over to his house earlier this week to discuss issues that we single people frequently encounter. It (and the skit) was funny to go over all the phrases single people have thrown at them. Here were some of the examples:

You'll find him (or her) as soon you stop looking and/or when you least expect it. Do you have a 12-step program to get someone to "not looking" or "least expecting"? What about us observant folks? Are we just ruled out forever? And what does that even mean or imply? I don't (nor do any of my friends) sit around and pine for some person to complete my life.
Are you dating anyone? Do you have a boyfriend? Why not? Don't even get me started on this one. How do I begin to address this? The obligatory courtesy laugh usually ensues.
Maybe there's something God has for you to do before then. Where are you not plugged in? This is where I feel like building a resume would be most appropriate, documenting all my "spiritual activity" like some scoreboard that proves my eligibility as a member of a godly dating relationship.
Just keep running the race on the path God has for you. Eventually you'll look to the left or right and see someone running right beside you. Then you just link up to run the race together. While this is a beautiful picture of how a love story God writes might go, it's kinda silly. Most of the single people I know ARE running the race the best way we know how. It's not like we've stopped, sat down for a second, and decided to scavenge our immediate surroundings for any and all possible dating prospects. Most of us are doing the dang thing. And enjoying it as we go!
Maybe your expectations are too high. You should ease up on guys. Expecting a boy to love Jesus before I would date him is NOT an excessive expectation. It's sensible. It saves him money and both of us time in the grand scheme of things. If we don't have the most basic part of my life in common, then where would we even start? I'm not willing to chase that rabbit. Waste of time.

Things are really good right now. I can't remember a time when my life felt this full. Now that I've been able to shank the school/residency monkey-on-your-back syndrome, my life is MINE again. I'm in an amazing Bible study with 3 girls who love Jesus and love me. I'm plugged in to a beautiful little church full of people fully-devoted to encountering God and equipping others to do the same. I really like my job and the people that I work with. I get true fulfillment by using my education/training to help others to the best of my ability. And more than all these things, God has shown Himself to be active in my life. He's inspiring my heart for new ministries; He's linking it with others to walk this journey with; and He's drawing me to know Him more.

So for this season, I am eternally grateful. I know I will look back and see this is as a fruitful, sweet time in my life. I praise God for showing this to me in the midst of it.

2008-08-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

Square Pegs

...in round holes. Frequently used phrase, I know. I think of Jill Philip's album every time I hear it. But it's the best cliche to describe how I feel in this recent phase of growth/life/whatever you want to call this process of sanctification. I'm a redeemed soul built for glory submerged in this fallen world. And it feels like that. Nothing fits. I don't fit. Please note at this point that my redemption/salvation/justification was and is due to no merit of my own. That's clear. (Eph. 2:8-9, Romans 3:10) I'm not saying, "Woe is me because I'm better than my environment".

But I don't fit here. And I don't think I'm supposed to. There are times where this life feels better than other times, but as I'm going through this Experiencing God study with my girls, I'm really having to wrestle through some Truths. I went into it expecting God to just show up and make my heart light after the first week. Well, that specific event hasn't happened yet. I know He's at work. He's been at work (Phil. 1:6) ; that's what this whole study is about.

Here recently the focus has been on my personal relationship with Him. That's a tough one. It has honed in on the basics: He LOVES me. He asks me to LOVE Him back. It's that simple. So why is that the hardest part? Why do I think in my heart that His love is no better than mine? Why do I struggle trusting Him, as if everything's not in His hands to begin with (Col. 1:17)? Why do I hesitate to hand Him the hope of my heart?

Honestly, I'm a little gun-shy. My hope constantly disappoints. But why? Oh, that's because I've placed it in events, or people, or changes, or results, or control. Why does my heart not understand that He's the only safe place for my hope, for my heart?

Because, let's be honest, I'm not going to be cheerleader-happy very consistently on this earth. And I'm learning just today that what He asks me to do is not "be happy", but rest in the discontentment. Rest in the knowing that He IS Who He says He is. He will do what He said He will do. THAT, and that alone, is the only safe, secure place for my hope. It's the only place my heart fits.

2008-07-31T22:27:00.000-07:00

Random Musings...

I had an exciting day at work. I got to be the primary pharmacist on a code (which means somebody wasn't doing well at all), and despite the horridness of the situation, it was a rush. As a healthcare worker, sometimes the worst situations for others are the most shaping for your career. I had two residents and a technician helping out and looking on, and I was actually just charged (in a positive way) by the whole crisis situation. I seem to flourish under high-pressure, crunch-type situations. So despite the underlying cause, I appreciated the experience.

And then two things made me laugh at myself today:

I was talking to a 21-year-old who's about to hit 22 at the gym today, and he was complaining about it. You know I wasn't going to let him have all the glory, so I made a topping reference to my own age (which he already knew). And his follow-up comment? "But you're well-preserved!". REALLY? If someone uses a phrase like "well-preserved", doesn't that automatically mean you're old? Seriously?
I had a blast tonight. I did something that made my heart happy. I used my new Hoover vacuum cleaner in my apartment. It's just nice for ONCE to have your expectations exceeded. Well, my trusty new Hoover came through for a girl. And I'm content about it.

That's all. Britt and Caleb come to visit tomorrow! Who's excited? Pick me!

2008-07-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Right as Rain

That was today. Today the rain was just...right. It was my day off for this week. I work through Sunday. Not much to look forward to. But the rain was somehow refreshing. I didn't really want the sun with its pressure to be outside making good use of the day. I wanted the slowness, the okay to feel a little dreary that a rainy day brings. It was ironically uplifting.

I've started "Experiencing God", the Bible study, with three bombin' girls from my church, and it's been really good. Just deep, gut-checking, faith-pushing, good. We meet in a coffee shop, but that hasn't barred the tears when they were looming. We're only in the first few units of the study, but God is already pushing me to hard places. He's calling me out on a lot of things and calling me to follow Him out on different ledges of faith. It's been a while since He interrupted my life so blatantly. It's uncomfortable. I'm overarchingly thankful for it, but squirmy through part of the process.

But I heart these girls. More so every week. It's amazing how we each can see how God wants the other to let Him love her. Two of the girls gave me "You are Special" by Max Lucado for my birthday. I read it last night for the first time and teared up. When the puppet realizes that the only thing that matters is what the Creator thinks, he's free. He's whole. I want that. Consistently. All the time. Just because God spoke it. I want that to be enough for my heart to hope in. About everything.

I'm enjoying the process...as much as you can in the midst of discomfort. We talked about that...lots of uncomfortable-ness. lol. That was a time of laughing. But overall, I expect to experience God. I expect to know Him more and trust His heart with all of mine. I'll keep you posted.

2008-07-25T18:27:00.001-07:00

Amazing story

If you went to Union, do you remember Amber Donovan, April Donovan's older sister? You probably also know that she was married and that she and her husband were missionaries overseas. They had just adopted their second child from overseas when she was killed in a car crash on the way to pick her husband up from the airport. Here's an interesting article about one of the fruits from her life:

Check it out here.

2008-07-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

30 SIDE OF 20

It's coming for me on Sunday. The big 26. Originally I wasn't looking forward to this one. I mean, 25's the year, right? It's the time of your life, right? Well, it was a good year for me, true. Lots of transition, growth, and newness. No regrets.

I have a new home in a new state, a career I enjoy and am proud of, and a great community here to do life with. I love my church home, my coworkers, and my friends here.

More than ever, I'm grateful for the amazing family members and friends from life pre-Washington. I'm more comfortable being me than ever before.

So yeah, bring on 26. It's gonna be the best year yet!

2008-06-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

Discomfort

I guess that's the most appropriate term. I don't ever know what to expect. At different points in life, I begin to think "I thought I would get this by now. Why do I still feel ill-prepared? Why do I keep coming to the same points over the same issues? Why do I end up feeling the same way?" In college, during what I consider one of my greenest times spiritually, I often felt alone. I felt like no one else in the world understood what I was going through. And at the time, I always felt like it was God preparing for a life called out, one set apart. I felt He was equipping me for what He had called me to. And at the time I was sensitive enough to the Spirit, and my faith muscle was conditioned enough to lean on Him and let Him be more than enough to get me through it.

At many points I've been able to stand on the thought of me and God for the long haul. I'll be fine because it's Him writing my story, and He hasn't left me to live it blind or alone. But I think over the years I fell under the deception that things would be different when I got older or after I hit these certain milestones. I've made a ton of friends over the years. And not just people being nice to me: I'm talking people in the trenches with me. Living LIFE together. Sometimes they've had to drag me through when I couldn't see to the other side of my obstacles. Great friends. But I still come back to this place: the feeling that I am alone. It's just my story that God is writing. He hasn't made anyone a consistent player in this production. Please don't misunderstand me: my family is amazing. They are ALWAYS there and willing to offer love, prayer, and support. But it's different. I can't live with them. That's not adulthood. And my amazing friends (my old skool college friends) are scattered across the globe. Communication is hard.

All this comes up as I transition to the next step. No more school. No more tests. No more projects or assignments. It's over. I have no next box to check, no hurdle to jump. I have a stable job, and I'm considering purchasing property. And it scares me to death. I think the answer will come in the form of response to this question: Is how I feel independent of my immediate circumstance or is it there to spur me on to my next step?

Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet

2008-06-18T11:48:00.001-07:00

My new anthem. This girl's phenomenal.

2008-05-25T19:23:00.000-07:00

Vessels

Not the bloody kind. But I received some great insight from a friend who's learning about being one, and I wanted to share her thoughts. I hope you are as challenged and encouraged as I was by them.

"1 Corinthians 3:5 says "What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants through whom you came to believe - as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who makes things grow."

We are pushed from Day one to be someone, to fill a role and to have success and accomplishments, to make a name for ourselves as our culture dictates. We put so much emphasis on forming this individual identity that we believe it actually matters, when the reality is that while those things can be good they are secondary to being used by Christ. It really hit me that Paul refers to himself as a what, the same greek word used for objects because that's what we are, we're vessels - of God's love and grace and mercy, a testament to His name. And apart from that, we're nothing.

Every creation was formed to give glory to God, to praise the works of His hands and we are simply another creation to be used for the same end. To start thinking of ourselves as a what instead of a who takes away the need we've created for this individual identity and allows us to simply be useful. Like the potter and the clay - the clay finds its identity in what the potter is doing with it - there's no value in the clay itself, even if it's expensive or rare or beautiful. If it is not used, it's worth nothing. The value and the purpose comes in the potter crafting the clay for a specific use and the clay fulfilling that. We are merely vessels, unformed clay - and without Him using us, we could accomplish nothing.

A friend recently told me that marriage is not about our happiness but about our sanctification and looking more like Christ. I think that's true for every area of our lives. I have such a tendency to think my desires are genuinely of consequence. And they're not. He controls those desires and puts them there for a purpose, but my view of what the outcome will be is not always the same as His because it's not that we have desires and God fulfills them, but rather that He gives us desires to guide us to a specific direction, and to make us content in His placement. Ultimately my happiness is secondary to my usefulness in bringing Him glory. That's why I can't find my identity in being a paramedic or a wife or anything else aside from the task He has given me, which is to trust Him, to follow Him above all else, and to be a vessel for His use.

There's this line in a Rascal Flatts song that says "I drive myself crazy trying to stay out of my own way" I feel like that defines my life. By thinking it mattered who I am or what I accomplished or anything else, it took my focus off Christ and continuously got me in trouble. I trust His purpose, and know that He can and will and wants to use this life to bring Him glory. I just have to stay out of the way, quit thinking I have any right to figure things out, quit acting like my desires are of any relevance, and to allow myself to be useful."

I love my friends! I'm thankful that God has blessed me with so many that challenge me to know Jesus more.

2008-05-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

Asilomar

The Western States Residency Conference is held at Asilomar, a state park in Monterey, California every year. This is where the residents from the western side of the country get together to present on the research project they've dedicated their year to. There are 750 people here at the neat little rustic grounds to either present or support those who are presenting.

The good news is that I'm done already. I gave my presentation on the impact of a pharmacist in an ambulatory cystic fibrosis clinic this morning. And it went pretty well. No one drilled me with ridiculous questions, and most people were complimentary. So now I feel great. For the most part, that was the pinnacle of my year. And now I'm past it. It's a bit of a wierd feeling. Either way, I'm here until Friday.

The bad news is that's it's cold. It's sunny and beautiful here (the scenery), but the breeze is clipping. And I didn't bring any sleeves. Looks like me and the Marmot jacket are 'bout to be best friends. I want to get out and jog, but after they warned us about the potential of meeting up with a mountain lion, I reconsidered.

James (one of my co-residents) presents this afternoon, then Callie (my other co-resident) tomorrow afternoon. Other than that, we're networking (the professional word for hanging out and meeting folks) and relaxing (which is new to most of these attendees).

2008-05-20T05:17:00.000-07:00

TENNESSEE

The land of big trucks and sweet tea. Where people talk to you as if they've known you all your life, even if you've never met. The weather was absolutely perfect during my time at home: about 80 and sunny with a cool breeze. I drove with the windows down most of the time. The fragrant smell of honeysuckles was constantly in the air. And I could always go on about how much I love my family. They just keep getting better.

I love being from small-town Tennessee. You can't beat it. That will never change. But I still look forward to returning to my current life in the beautiful Pac NW. I am reminded that I have been and continue to be truly blessed.

2008-04-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

HOPE

Big part of my life...of my outlook. Since way back in the day of Huntingdon FBC, singing with my two friends where we each dubbed ourselves with the nicknames of Faith, Hope, and Love. I was Hope, even then. And it's accurate. I'm a closet romantic, idealist, all the perspectives on life that have hope as its basic tenet.

Today, when Pastor John brought the Word from the book of Esther he preached a bombin' sermon on inner beauty, women and our source of attractiveness, etc. And it was so dead-on and culturally relevant. But the part that sliced me the deepest was one of his wrap-up statements:

"We get disappointed because we hope in the wrong things."

Wow...yes, I do. I hope in the wrong things. Romans 5:3-5 talks about enduring suffering so that we produce character, and after character, hope. And our hope doesn't disappoint because of the love God pours into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that lives inside of us. Wow. A hope that DOESN'T DISAPPOINT. Why have I been wasting my time and energy? Seriously? What futile pursuits. A hope that doesn't disappoint. That's a promise. One I'm gonna chase until I can call it mine.

2008-04-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

Idealist...to be or not to be?

That is my question. I got into an interesting argument about Biblical truth this weekend. I understand that arguments do no one any good, but it was eye-opening for me. Not that my opinion was changed about the issue, but I was bombarded with a completely different worldview than my own. There is actually a group of people, a school of thought-if you will, that chooses to take a different perspective on the world and its current state.

As I was recapping the prior night's events with a friend of the different worldview at church the next day, I was moved to tears as I explained to him the reasons for my passionate opinions on matters of God and Truth and Man. I was pigeon-holed by my friend, and maybe rightfully so, as an idealist. I see things in black and white. I want sin called what it is. That is important to me. Mainly because I think it's important to God. Let me finish before you start preaching grace at me. I think sin is important to God for two of maybe many reasons: 1. It's less than His best. It flies right in the face of the Truth of who He is when we believe the deception that causes us to sin. 2. It separates us from Him. He loves us too much to be complacent about this. Because He's holy and cannot dwell in the same space as sin. Without the cleansing redemption of Christ's blood, we're all wretched anyway.

I want God's best...period. I'm with John Piper in Christian Hedonism. You'll have to google that one. I believe Jesus when He said He came to give us abundant life (John 10:10). So I want that life. For myself. For my family and my friends. For everyone in the world. So yes, when people are living in utter deception, whether it be to strongholds of cult belief, addiction, homosexuality, insecurity, fear, I hurt. It gnaws at me like a thorn in my heart.

But it's hard. People don't like to hear that. People from the opposing school of thought are really good at accepting people. I admire this about them. I wish it were more natural to me. They accept almost everything as it is. There's a freedom to that...but I'm not built that way. I have to work for change. I can't help it. I think about improvement...always. Without idealism, there's no drive for positive change. So I know I have it for a reason...but I also know I need to move a little toward the other side. I need to be able to leave things be. I need to let people be who they are, let God be who He is, and remember who I am in light of these things.

I don't want to recite the AA prayer here, but Lord, I do ask that you grant me the wisdom to find this balance.

2008-04-14T21:32:00.001-07:00

Our night at the Sonics game with Gary Payton

Erin's aunt had some season tickets she didn't plan to use, so the four of us girls decided we should check out the Sonics before they get sold to another city. We're sitting there on Row 1 right by the Mavs entrance, when Gary Payton walks out and asks to slip by me to sit down right beside my friend Amanda!

It was a star-studded night with Jason Kidd, Dirk Nowitske, Mark Cuban, and the whole gang. It was good times. Man, how awesome are my church friends?

2008-04-14T21:06:00.001-07:00

Rascal Flatts concert - 4/5/08

I got to sit in floor seats for this stellar concert thanks to my buddy Jason. It was decided on the Thursday before that he still had an open ticket, so I was more than willing to take that off his hands for him! We had so much fun, and we were so honkin' close when they came out onto the center stage!

2008-04-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

B-eautiful

That's all there is to it. Tacoma was absolutely honkin' gorgeous today! I woke up and immediately began itching to be outside running and playing. So I called up my girls, and we walked to a nearby beach and threw the frisbee. This reminds me why I want to stay here. The spring and summer totally make the winter worth it. I love Tacoma. It's the prettiest place I've ever lived. And the people aren't too bad either. ;o)

2008-04-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

Rough Day

I sat in my car along Ruston Way looking out across the Puget Sound. The choppy water seemed to match my mood. I think many influential factors were external, but still. Choppy waters. Then I saw it. The beautiful rainbow gleaming like it was its job. And it was. And only in a quirky little spot like Tacoma does the sun shine bright while rain is pelting your head.

And there's no point except to say, you know you're going through growth when you can clearly separate the inklings of your mind and those of your heart. And you can, after tears and turmoil, whip your heart into gear. That is, after much prayer and whining. Because God is faithful, I think we're all going to make it.

2008-04-03T13:08:00.001-07:00

You can take the girl outta the South...

It's not a new thing for me up here in Washington state to be asked where my accent is from. And those of you that know me know that some of my quirky sayings are just "Lauren-isms" and not exactly cultural. However, I was surprised yesterday when I was recapping a presentation I had just given with my preceptor at the Tacoma Family Medicine clinic and she mentioned a colloquialism that I might want to be aware of. At the end of May, the culmination of my residency will be a beastly presentation over my year-long project at the Western States Residency Conference in Monterrey, CA. So feedback on my presentation skills is valuable to me.

What was it that I said, you ask? I threw in a couple of "might-oughta"'s. I said "might-oughta" in reference to how you should use certain oral diabetic medications. I had no idea this was a regional phrase, but I quickly learned that people don't use such phrases up here. I laughed for about 5 minutes. And now I will reserve my southern phrases/Lauren-isms to nonprofessional settings.

2008-03-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I'm lame...or just lazy for not posting for so long. I think distracted would be a better term to describe my state of being as of late. I had Jada visit, then Dad, Lecia, Daron, and Kellen. I improved my ski skills. I've been hanging out with friends like it's my job. And doing a little work stuff on the side.

But life is so good right now. So many things are changing for so many people. A friend got engaged. A friend had her first kid. A friend had a rough car accident. A friend got a man. It's been a time of change.

The change for me has been a pleasant one. I'm more content with my life now than ever before. I love where I'm at, what I'm doing, and what my options are for the future. I have an amazing support group of family and friends, and my network of friends locally continues to grow.

My involvement with my church here has deepened, and I'm pumped about ministry there. If I could change one thing, it would be to deepen spiritually. I desperately want godly wisdom, maturity, humility, and love to be more evident in my life. I want a pure heart. I pray for these things. I believe God does, can, and will use me in the meantime as He slowly cultivates these.

With the residency winding down in a few months, there's a new freedom on the horizon. I don't know what that means, but I'm excited. Stay tuned!

2008-02-27T11:24:00.000-08:00

Almost Leap Time

It's partially because I'm a slacker and partially due to a lack of worthy material, but I haven't blogged in a bit. Life's kinda flipped since I've been working down in the ER. My shift is 2 to 10:30 p.m., which I actually like. I'm definitely built to function well during this time of day. I even have time to hit the gym in the morning. But it does preclude most of my regular social interaction. It's hard to set aside time in the morning before work to call the family and friends, as well as run all the necessary errands during normal working hours. I will actually be working four 10's on an evening shift like this when I get through with my residency. We'll see how that goes.

All in all, things have been going well here. I've had some great times with friends on the weekends. Drove up to Snoqualmie on a beautiful sunny day where I got to watch the snow melting off the majestic peaks. (Do I sound like a Deep Thought by Jack Handy yet?) Then I came back and threw the frisbee near a local beach here in Tacoma. How many places in the world have that to offer? See snow-covered mountains within an hour's drive and then drive over to a beautiful waterfront in the same area? It just reiterated my number 1 reason for loving Tacoma.

On a more serious note, I'm still reading through Matthew and following the story of Jesus, and I can't help but be impacted by the reality that He was here for the broken. Every time. And it required that the individual realize their brokenness before He could change them. Because the Truth is that we're all broken. The Pharisees didn't know that, though. His hometown didn't know that they were either. As a result, He didn't minister too long or very much in these crowds. But the broken...Wow. The people who recognized Who He was would bring the dirty, the sick, the possessed in droves. And He would effortlessly change lives. It makes me think about a few things:

Is His ability to change me dependent on my realization of my brokenness without Him? If so, a greater recognition of who I was before Him or who I would be without Him AND (don't forget this part; it's just as important) Who He is/what He can do would revolutionize my heart. It would completely reconstruct my outlook.
What is my hope for the brokenness I see around me? Do I believe He can change them? Do I pray for them in the hopes that He will?
How do I respond to brokenness around me? Do I look for opportunities to take Jesus there? or do I try to just minister to people or in places that are clean, easy, and comfortable?

Jesus didn't place comfort anywhere in His list of priorities. I don't have anything remotely similar to His omniscience, but I don't think seeing the end result was required before initiating the process. I don't know if I'm explaining this well, but I know my biggest obstacles are the limits of my own faith. I don't have to have things figured out to be obedient. God doesn't ask that of me. That's my own safety mechanism that directly inhibits me from living up to my fullest potential in Him. Regardless of what statistics show, of precedents set, of my past behavior, God is still God. And He's limited by nothing, even in a life and a heart like mine.

2008-02-09T22:49:00.000-08:00

2008-02-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

This is what is left of one of the girls' dorms at my old alma mater, Union University. What's even more shocking is that my own sister, Daron Webb, was huddled with two other girls in a downstairs bathroom when the tornado blew through campus. I was brought to tears when I saw the footage of the damage on the Today Show online this morning. I was speechless when Daron recounted her experience of covering her head in her hands when she heard the "train" noise coming. She said she felt debris swirling all around her, and she even breathed some in. When it had passed, she looked up to see the sky above her instead of the ceiling, which was the floor of the second story. The wall of the shower behind her looked as though it had been "punched in". The girls had never shut the bathroom door, so they were able to grab a matress that had landed in the living room floor before the next wave hit. When all had passed, the RAs called to them to tell them it was okay to come out and to head to the PAC (or the science building for non-Unionites). She went with the other soccer girls to her coach's house until Dad and Lecia could pick her up.

Today they let people come back on campus in waves to see if they could find their cars. Daron hadn't been able to park close last night because there were no spaces. Surprisingly, her car survived with two busted rearview mirrors and a dented hood. All of her clothes, belongings, EVERYTHING is gone. She's already been asked to make a list for insurance. Her computer, her guitar, her camera, her video camera, all of it gone. All of these things are nominal in value when I think about how grateful I am that she is okay.

There are no words to provide even remote explanation for how no life was lost on this campus except to say that God was at work. Lives were spared for a reason. It makes no sense for the place to look like Ground Zero of a bomb site, for cars to be flipped upside down or thrown atop buildings, for buildings to be leveled, and for everyone to come out without critical injury. I'm so thankful. And I even believe that there will be Kingdom results from this event. Union University, a truly Christ-centered institution is getting national news coverage. Its wise and godly leader, Dr. David S. Dockery, is being shown on tv consistently to speak about the storms and the rebuilding efforts.

Please pray. So much will need to be done. Please give. They've already set up a fund where people can contribute.

Click here.

Most of all, be thankful. Be aware that God is in control, and He has a purpose for every moment He gives you breath. Don't waste it.

2008-01-29T22:54:00.000-08:00

Blessed

I have the coolest friends. I'm serious. There's no way another person could have a higher number of quality individuals that have poured into their life. I have been reminded lately since I was able to catch up with so many of them this weekend.

I talked to Meg (from the FAB Four in Memphis), Buckle (one of the original Super-Christians that I busted my tail to keep up with spiritually my freshman year of college), Donna (sweetest heart, always a blast and full of encouragement, pharmacy school companion), my family (they're all awesome and I continually sing their praises), Alyson (one of my newest but truest friends here in Tac-town), and then I got to spend Saturday night hanging out on "the Ave" in Seattle with Ronnie (my good friend I met here who moved to Seattle and works for NAMB) in the U-dub district.

I'm not done. After church, I had lunch at my favorite Tacoma locale, Famous Dave's (they have sweet cornbread and sweet tea- you can't beat it), with Alyson, Jana, and Jeff. These kids have become constants, and I'm thankful for each of them in my life. We shared good laughs, and Jeff shared a lot of stories from his childhood...hence the laughs.

Then my oldest friend (all the way back to when I beat him in the math contest at UTM) Casey called from Lithuania, and I laughed so hard I thought I was going to run off the road at a comment about how sweet we southerners like our tea. I'm still grinning. A great, mind-bending, philosophical, sociopolitical conversation followed, and overall it was refreshing to have caught up.

We'll round it out with getting to catch up with Mr. Ziegenhorn tonight. Great conversation was shared about evangelism in friendships/relationships/work settings. That was refreshing as well to get to relate to someone about the urgency and concern I feel for the lack of understanding of Truth around me. He lives in LA, so it's not a stretch for him to match that.

All this leads to one conclusion: God is great. He's given pieces of Himself to each of these individuals to shed light on my life. I'm more than blessed, but that's the best word the English language offers me as far as my knowledge will reach.

2008-01-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

Dance War

One of the new shows on ABC didn't catch my attention UNTIL...

I found out my friend Phillip was on there!

I met Phillip last January at a Super Bowl party for young singles from Brentwood Baptist Church. We immediately had a blast cutting up, and before the night was over I had gotten see some moves from Mr. Jesus-loving, Justin Timberlake-esque young Virginian. He had just moved to Nashville to do music, but he happened to be trained in ballroom dance (and could show out with some hip-hop as well). I even went salsa dancing with him a few times. But you have to go online and watch an episode or two to check out my buddy in action.

Here's the link.

Check it out. You can watch the show online! He's doing so well; I'm so proud. I can say I danced with him when...

2008-01-04T23:02:00.000-08:00

2008 Projections

post-contemplation, of course. I love any opportunity to assess, evaluate, analyze (can I think of a few more words that mean to think through something?) my life, where I am, where I've been, and where I would like to go. 2007 brought so much change: graduation, new job, new home, new friends.

I don't know if I qualify as a visionary, but I like to cast visions, to set goals, and to get people excited about working towards them. Other than the typical desire to get into shape, start eating better, get more organized, my main resolution was this:

Stop worrying and instead truly pray about weights on my heart, giving them over to God and being open to see Him do things only He could do.

At Aroma last night, the six of us discussed our different resolutions and plans for the new year. We had such a stimulating and heart-pressing discussion about our need as Christians to be different. I'm reading through Matthew in my quiet time in hopes of truly KNOWING Jesus better. I'm just now to the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5-7), specifically the Beattitudes followed by the verses in Chapter 5 about being salt and light.

I have felt such a burden lately for myself and other Christians to more visibly live that difference. Not just in hopes of converting people, but for the bigger purpose of better-reflecting God's glory, His character, and the changes He can make in a life submitted to Him.

We pointed out that ministry was not the goal. It's not the focus or the objective. I don't remember who said it, but "Ministry is the wake we leave as we pursue Christ". So if we desire to bring more people to know Him and exhibit more fruit (Gal. 5:22), we need to just up our intensity with which we pursue Him. Refocus. Reprioritize. Put everything we invest in (with our time, money, and thought) through the filter of eternal vs. temporal importance.

So that's my initial challenge in 2008 to you: Live the Difference. Not by "trying harder", but by fixing the eyes of your heart on your Savior, the Lord of all, and seeking the LIFE He died to offer us. (John 10:10, Matt. 6:33)

2007-12-12T22:14:00.000-08:00

Tough Stuff

After a recent in-depth discussion with some fellow believers about some of the difficult questions in life, I grew burdened about the average churchgoer's level of understanding of basic doctrinal truths. The conversation spun off of the initial question: Where did evil come from? Did God create it? Did it start with Adam and Eve? Did it come into being when Lucifer fell?

These are all good questions, and I can't say that we reached a consensus answer. And it's a bit irrelevant, whatever the answer is, because it doesn't change Who God is, or who we are, or what we're called to do. So I'm gonna move on to my source of concern.

Here are a couple of the truths somewhat debated. I warn you; these are not happy topics. There will be no Joel Osteen sermon here. We're talking about sin: the reality of it, the weight of it, and how God views it.

1. Hell is real, and people apart from Christ are condemned to it.
2. God in His infinite justice punishes sin. God in His infinite love provided salvation from that punishment through Christ's death and resurrection on the cross.
3. God hates sin. Read any books start to finish from the Old Testament and read where God tells His people and prophets to completely wipe out whole people groups. I mean, have we forgotten the story of Noah? He just started all over. Sodom and Gomorrah? Need I go on?
4. Anyone who does not know Christ is dead in their sin and deserves hell. It's a tough one, but if the consequences for sin are not that dire, then why did Christ have to die? If you have trouble with this concept, I challenge you to ask God to show you the weight of sin. Let me warn you that this is not a pleasant answer, but it's one that will stay with you.

So yes, these concepts should light a fire under us as Christ's followers to go tell people about their need for Him and the free gift of salvation and eternal life offered through Him WITH THE UNDERSTANDING that He IS sovereign. He WILL accomplish His will. He desires to bring people to Him more than you do. And you are (or I am) not big enough to mess that up. It's ultimately the work of the Holy Spirit in a man's heart that brings a man to know Christ. We are simply the vessels that get to be a part of the process sometimes.

Please understand that these are not concepts that are usually appropriate in evangelistic settings, but as believers, we need to know what the Bible says about Who God is, what He does, and who we are in light of that. My concern is that the life-long church-goer can't say with confidence that they are certain about these things based on revelation from Scripture.

Thoughts?

2007-12-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

Viva Las Vegas

So I went...and I saw. And I'm glad to be back in Tac-town. Even though most of WA south of me is under water. Nice reception. I enjoyed getting to spend time with work people outside of work. Callie got a bigger dose of me than I'm sure she ever hoped for. But we had fun bonding, laughing, learning, and discussing life. I feel really blessed to be a part of such a great program with great people in a great area. Enough of the "great"s.

It was also the bomb to get to see Donna, Leela, and some of my old UT crew. I would have loved to sit down with every old pharmacy friend from around the country (old ASP peeps included) and discuss our journey post-graduation, but time didn't allow. It was at least nice to share a smile, a hug, and maybe even a 2-minute update.

Overall, it left me tired, a bit pensive, and ready for the weekend. I'm trying to learn this whole "live in the now" and stop wishing your life away. So far, I get an F.

I will say I had one of the neatest conversations with a pharmacy director from Cali at dinner one night. A very smart man working for a Catholic group was explaining to me how the nuns who run the organization expect the leadership to conduct themselves the way Jesus would. After I mentioned my desire to do missions and the basis of my faith (which was based on a personal relationship, not on rituals), he was extremely intrigued about this new concept of Christianity he had never encountered before. I wasn't expecting to have one of the best evangelistic conversations of my life that night. I'm glad that God uses me despite my inconsistent focus.

2007-11-20T22:30:00.000-08:00

Somebody help me...

Why can't I love people? Especially when I want to, need to, and try to really hard? Why am I not nicer? If we as Christians don't love people, who's gonna? They will know us by our love, right? Is there a special prayer I can pray so that He'll drop it off in my heart? Lord, please help me to love everyone and hold my tongue and my thoughts when I can't!

2007-11-10T23:31:00.000-08:00

Cheers to newness

I've always belonged to the school of thought that lines and principles and precepts protect. They ward off danger. They prevent scars. Most of my life has been lived with this outlook at the forefront. I'm definitely no scaredy-cat, so please understand that I hide behind this mentality most often in reference to matters of the heart.

In terms of calculating risk and acting on the conclusion, that's usually not my style. I would jump out of a plane with a parachute (but haven't done this yet). I would fly across an ocean to spend a month in Europe with a classmate. I would move across the country to live and work in a land where I know no one. Okay, so none of it's that dramatic. I'm just trying to make a point. My point is that these things sound exciting. Sign me up.

However, any social situation that I haven't initiated or somehow obtained semi-conrol over freaks me out. Neurosis for days. I think too much, talk too much, and no one enjoys it. Ask family and friends. They will confirm.

But today, I took a step. After much mulling (on my part) and encouragement (on my friends' part), I left those precepts (read: the cage) by the wayside and did something out of character. And it was, of course, nothing to be afraid of. No big deal. That's what's on the other side of that fear: nothing lost. And maybe a little freedom gained.

2007-10-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

BOO!

Here's what we did Sunday night.
The group is as follows (L to R): Jason, Charles, Ronnie (girl), Jonathan, Lauren, Sheena, Liane, Alyson, and Tucker (dog)

We did this Alyson's. That is her stoop above and her pumpkin below.

Jason Burke's creation. It's "AROMA" for our coffee house group on Thursdays.

This is Jonathan's. Pizza and a coke. Making you hungry?

Liane's is the cute little squash. Mine is the one with swoopy bangs.

This is Ronnie's creepy tree. Good times!

2007-10-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge

This book is the follow=up to Wild at Heart, the book about how godly men should actually pursue their rugged adventure because that is what they were built for. I've never actually read it, but I do remember some key points. Men desire three things:

To live an adventure
To fight for something
To discover beauty

Women also wants three things at their core that actually coincide. God knew what He was doing here. Surprise!

To join in the adventure
To be fought for
To have her beauty discovered

These make sense to me, and I wasn't surprised or super-enlightened when I heard them. They made sense, so I just added this to the repertoire of small sermonettes that may come in handy.

However, this week, the new book for women (the title of this post) has been rocking my face off. Stasi describes that men and women are made in God's image (Gen. 1:26-27, nothing new), but she goes on to say that men represent God's strength and His power. Here's the take-home: what makes men attractive? STRENGTH. Hold up, let me finish. I'm NOT talking about meat-head in the gym strength. I'm talking about strength of character, fighting for what's right, defending those that are weaker than you. THAT is super-attractive. You think about the heroes in the movies. What makes them studs? Their character, conviction, and drive to set things right (examples: Gladiator, Braveheart, The Last Samurai).

Women represent God's beauty. What makes women attractive? BEAUTY. And not as defined by Elle or Cosmo magazine. We all know drop-dead gorgeous girls that no ones wants to be around and certainly not date simply because they have bad attitudes. No, a woman's beauty is defined by her heart. When a woman is loving, compassionate, and serves the needs of those around her, that's attractive. Men can say a lot of things about appearance and such, but I would dare to say that the only aspect that truly pulls at a man's heart would be the genuine compassion and encouragement found in the heart of a woman.

It brings up all new objectives in terms of self-improvement. I'm challenged not to find the best new product to prevent fine lines around my eyes. I'm challenged to learn to love better, to think of others first, and to battle the urge to self-protect. Stasi mentions that sharing your beauty as a woman will make a difference in your world, but it's a process to make your heart vulnerable. Isn't that the title of my blog or something?

2007-10-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

Turning the Corner

I'm roundin' it, homes. It's invigorating. I'm reading up on a neuro-muscular disease for a presentation tomorrow for my neonatal intensive care rotation (NICU for all my medical friends), and I'm loving it. I don' think it can be credited solely to the fact that I had coffee earlier, either. I seriously am enthralled.

This week has been very interesting. The amount of assignments and the weight of my workload has only increased. Very few items have been completed and removed from the To-do list. But after freaking out and asking for much prayer from friends and family...something's changed.

Being at the hospital ~ 12 hours Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday was not that bad. I even worked on some stuff before I went to bed as well. For my other friends doing a residency and especially those doing their medical residency, I probably sound like a lightweight. But for me, this is huge. I'm very selfish with my time, and I have expectations as to how long I think it should take me to complete assignments. Plus, I've never let one thing (job, school, etc.) completely monopolize my life. Call it a weakness, lack of discipline, whatever you want. But I'm not sorry for it.

However, now there's a new motivation. I truly want to know. I want to grow as a practitioner. Sometimes I truly don't mind putting it extra time, coming up with my own little assignments to consolidate what I'm learning, or provide myself a quick reference in the future. God is truly affirming where I am, what I'm doing, and why He's brought me down this path.

Once again, story of my life: I am blown away by the evidence of His faithfulness. He is truly validating Psalm 37:4 by putting in my heart the desires that it should have in order for me to live my life to the fullest (John 10:10). And I'm delighted in Him.

2007-10-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

If you would have asked me on Wednesday of last week, I wouldn't have had any spectacular expectations for this weekend. However, it was a bombin' one (maybe un milagro, one might say). lol. insider. My buddy Justin (from the GBC crew in Memphis and Zach's old roommate), who now lives and works near Boise, drove over with a friend heading to Seattle. It was a good opportunity for him to ride along and head on down to Tacoma and see me.

We were out all day Saturday fighting the fog and trying to see the sights around Tacoma. It ended up being a gorgeous day. Good food, good times, good friends, good weekend. I will purposely fail to mention details about the worst bowling I've done in years.

With bowling and church today, Justin got to meet most of the people in my life here outside of work. After he left, lunch, and a nap, I headed out with some friends to Wild Waves, a huge amusement park here on I-5. One of my friends from church works there and got us passes to ride the rides and go through the haunted house. It was really fun. I felt kinda old. I haven't ridden carnival rides in ages. But along with Ari, a college freshman, I rode almost all the big ones. The haunted house got a couple of screams outta me, and I definitely had a death grip on the person in front of and behind me.

Overall, great weekend. Now back to the grind...ugh.

2007-10-07T16:37:00.001-07:00

Of course it happened today...

I let Jada talk me into looking like a scrub to fly back to Seattle this morning. I at least had a small amount of makeup on when I was sitting in the Memphis airport, talking with my mom on my cell, and people-watching. I notice an attractive guy pretty far off, and as he comes closer, familiarity begins to materialize. And then I can't believe it! It was NOAH WYLE with David Schwimmer, strolling through the Memphis airport! David was about two feet from me, wearing two different forms of camouflage and making me feel much better about my clothing choice.

I neglected my initial reflex to run up and ask them for a photo. I decided to be too old for that. But it's still a cool story. Now if it woulda been John Krasinski, I would've had a pic to post.

2007-10-03T22:17:00.001-07:00

Okay, okay, I get it...

I've decided to take the plunge. After two different instances of being questioned and explaining my stance on things, I've changed my mind. And I still haven't decided what the right choice is.

Those who know me well know that I have a small band with the words "TRUE LOVE WAITS" that I wear on my left ring finger...a.k.a. the "here's-how-you-know-whether-I'm-taken" finger. Since I've been in Tacoma, I've had one in-depth conversation with an endocrinologist in which the man assured me that I was deterring all respectable, date-able guys wearing it on that hand. The other night my grandmother asked me about it, and it came up again tonight with my friends at dinner.

Initially my thoughts were that it provides a good filter. Any person would have to get to know me at least a little bit before they asked me out. I figured that saves them money and both of us time. Seriously, I'm a handful. It's only to the kid's advantage that he figure that out beforehand. The fact that I'm never seen with a guy and work with the SINGLE'S group at church is clear enough to me.

I had originally thought I could wait a couple more years before I made the switch. I think I saw it as a last-ditch effort. Wow, this sounds sad. But maybe it's more about correct representation and keeping your options open. I still haven't decided.

All of this led to my ultimate decision: tonight I switched the ring to my right hand. My friend Donna made a good point: most guys get confused about which hand it is anyway. But I still feel a twinge of being a sell-out. I even called a couple of trusted guy friends to ask their opinion. They of course didn't answer the phone. So I need some feedback. Help a sister out.

2007-09-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

After staffing an incredibly too-busy weekend, I can't tell you how great it feels to know I'll be hopping a plane tomorrow to my homeland. Can't wait to see everyone!

2007-09-25T21:14:00.001-07:00

Why is it that you learn the most about yourself in high-stress situations or those that evoke strong emotional response? Today was one of those. As a learner, you're constantly in a cycle of ignorance then mastery. I sometimes struggle when the bouts of ignorance are brought to light by those supervising you. And more than that, so much of it has to do with the style in which the enlightenment or the drilling (that's how it fills most of the time) is delivered.

Couple with this the face that I'm too proud. I know humility is a struggle for me. It's a constant prayer request and sometimes when it's answered, I feel pain. When people make me feel stupid, especially in front of other people, my pride gets pricked. And I don't respond well. It usually evokes an animosity deep within me that brings pictures of physical retaliation in my head. Thankfully, I'm old enough now to not follow every instinct.

Now I'm left to respond as an adult. It's a good trial. Life's not easy, and I'm rarely the boss. Therefore, there will undoubtedly be more of these uncomfortable situations. As a pro-active person (that I'm trying to be) instead of a reactive person, I decide how I will respond in these circumstances.

So what did I do? I took a really long nap.

2007-09-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

Fried Pickles

Today was my debut at church as a greeter. It was also "nametag Sunday", so I had a great excuse to walk up to people, ask their name, and their favorite fair food. (Evidently, the bottom part of your nametage contains your answer to a question posed for the day). I had forgotten how natural it is for me to walk up to strangers and engage them in conversation. It was great. I really enjoy it. I had forgotten.

My answer to the question was fried pickles, which was befuddling to the people of the Pacific Northwest, since they had never experienced fried pickles. But I distinctly remember my first encounter. It was the midsouth fair in Memphis. I don't remember who I was with at the time, but I remember loving them...with ketchup or ranch, these things are money. I didn't let my church friends make squeamish faces long before I forced them to admit they'd never actually tried them. That negates one's opinions on anything edible.

Then I myself had my first Washington State fair experience. I mainly went because people kept raving about certain foods that I needed to experience. Today was the last day after two weeks, and it was still packed out! I won't list all the foods I partook of except for the scones. They were money. They were pretty much all they had been talked up to be...and more if you consider the price. It's just a little sweet biscuit with butter and jam. But man, it's good.

That's pretty much all we did...that, and people watch. Always fun.

This is my last week rotating in pediatrics. I'll be kinda sad to leave this area. I really found a niche there. We'll see if I still feel drawn to it after my other rotations. And another good thing about this week ending is that I go home to visit in a week! How exciting!

2007-09-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

I can tell it's Monday

So far I've managed to

get a blister on my heel from my awesome rain boots that the weather warranted for my walk to work

print two beastly documents to a phantom printer

set off the exit alarm in the children's hospital by pushing the door before it read my badge

go the wrong way once I did find a stairwell sans alarm and had to walk back up two flights now instead

BUT...

last night I had one of the coolest bowling experiences of my life. I had a 6-10 split after bowling right down the middle. So I thought I'd be clever and bowl with both hands. I put a 12-pound ball in my right and left hand and made my usual release. The two balls traveled down the lane pretty smoothly, bumped each other about midway down, and traveled out to level the pesky pins that thought they had me beat! It was awesome! I couldn't believe it. I will never be able to reproduce it, but I did have witnesses. I can get you names and numbers if you need them.

And yes, this was the coolest part of my weekend. It's okay if you're a little jealous.

2007-09-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

Everyone please check out Pastor Sam's blog from my blog roll (click on SAM SHAW on the left) and check out the video...HI-larious!

2007-09-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

Lil Update...

So I've noticed no one comments when I get super-deep with my post topic on here...it's kinda like giving a speech, finishing, and the room just sits in silence. But that's an acceptable response, it's kinda like trying to find words when someone's really upset or something. Maybe it's best to just quietly console? No big deal, just observation. Moving on...

Went to a concert with one of my new friends here, a cool transplant from Texas who actually knows one of my college buddies (Burgett) because they both work for NAMB (google it). We saw Phil Wickham, who I've enjoyed the music of for at least two years and never gotten to see because he kinda stays toward the west coast.

I'm also loving my pediatrics rotation this month. It's fast-paced but I get to round every morning with an attending, two medical residents, and 3 medical students. It's good times, and I actually feel like I make a contribution. Other than that, nothing doing. I get to go home after this rotation! Yay, back to Tenne-too hot (in the words of the great Ben Bredow) to see my friends and fam! And be in a wedding. Good times.

2007-09-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

Reaction vs. Response

As part of the management portion of our residency, we began reading the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. I initially expected the book to be a bit cheesy and super-business-focused. Much to my surprise, the first two chapters (the intro and the first habit) were incredibly insightful. He addressed so much about our culture, and how we as individuals can better ourselves for the sake of society as a whole.

One of the main points (or maybe for me the most convicting point) was to be a responsive person as opposed to being a reactive person. Reactive people are at the mercy of their environment, their situation, and the world's effect on them. Responsive people take all that into account but believe they can effect change by making choices that dictate their emotions, thoughts, and actions. I'm a passionate person (do you hear the tone of excuse in my words?), so reaction is what people can usually bank on with me. That's why I'm a fun target for picking at, people find it amusing to get me riled up...and it usually doesn't take much or long for that to occur. I've never minded this; I've even learned to play off it in order to get to know people, entertain a group, etc. However, in the work setting, particularly one of high stress, it is nothing but a burden. It certainly doesn't improve or optimize workflow.

Last night I came home pondering the implications of the various points made during our book discussion. I decided to turn on the tv and found that my cable wasn't working. I just thought it was probably out in the area, no big deal. They will probably fix it soon. Later on I decided to check my email...no internet. My whole connectivity was gone. I called Comcast; they had no sufficient answer to my dilemma and promised to send someone the next day.

After calling and venting to my mom (this whole situation for some reason pushed me past some tipping point; I'm hoping hormones were a little to blame), I decided to turn on my computer and listen to music. What better to time to optimize my itunes playlists? I was listening to a Bethany Dillon song (She's a Christian singer and her music is amazing), and my heart fell open. Seriously, I was overwhelmed with a sense of deep repentance and convictional purging. I realized it had taken God cutting me off to get me alone with Him, to get my full attention. I was broken. I missed that. It is such a cleansing experience, and I really couldn't tell you the last time I experienced it. I was thankful...for the lesson but mostly for the encounter.

Here's the gist: GOD PURSUES US...for some reason. I've never understood it fully. But He, in His infinite wisdom and love, has decided to go before us and hem us in behind. I'm never outside of His hand...but sometimes He cups His hand close against His heart.

2007-08-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

Too Much To Post...

Dad and Lecia left today after being here for a few days. It was great. I got to show them my life here and experience a little luxury at the same time. We took an overnight trip to Seattle and went whale-watching up around the San Juan Islands. It was very neat. I love both my huge families, but I must say there's something so rich about spending time with just the parentals. I don't ever wish I was an only child (seriously, my sibs are awesome), but visits from both parent couples have been unique and priceless.

Being with people who know you that well can be a little grounding. I had forgotten what it's like not to be able to control what people perceive about you. Maybe THAT'S what I really enjoy so much about new-ness...the naivety. I hope I'm wrong, but it was a rude awakening when Dad and Lecia were sometimes able to call me out about different things I'm not so happy with about my life right now. It was refreshing.

And now I have the responsibility of addressing my issues. I thought I could live around them...pretend they weren't there...deal with things until I had something else to replace them.

But there's a bigger draw going on here. If my earthly father who loves me more than I may ever know is concerned about me and wants me to be happy, how much more does the Father Who thought of me and orchestrated my design before I was a zygote want those same things for me? Why do I assume that God always wants me to be better and to grow and to improve? Why do I think that it's only through trial, punishment, and poverty that God proves Himself near? I've been selling Him so short. I've bought into Satan's lies about Who God is and what He feels towards me.

THAT is true poverty.